Bad Movie Night: A List of Terrible Films Screened Since 2002
For those of you who enjoy mocking terrible cinema with friends, this is a list of films that I either own or have viewed at countless Bad Movie Nights since I began making a habit of it back in 2002. Please send me your comments and suggestions of other terrible films. My friends and I have Bad Movie Night every week, so this list will be continuously updated. "It's a bad time." (Motto for BMN)
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- DirectorJoseph ZitoStarsChuck NorrisM. Emmet WalshDavid TressColonel Braddock launches a mission deep into the jungles of Vietnam to find the POW camp that he escaped from and free the Americans still held captive there.Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris (aka Col. James Braddock) in a pre-incarnation of Walker Texas Ranger. He fights the evil Vietnamese army post-Vietnam War to free American POWs that are still being kept there (post-war, of course - did I mention that the Vietnamese are evil?) This film follows the three rules of a Chuck film pretty well. What are the three rules you ask? Check out my description of The Octagon for that information.
Memorable characters: The Chinese food restaurant maitre-d from Seinfeld plays an officer for the Vietnamese that is keeping Braddock down. Of course Chuck gives him his comeuppance. No one messes with Chuck and gets away with it. - DirectorLance HoolStarsChuck NorrisSoon-Tek OhSteven WilliamsPrequel to the first Missing In Action, set in the early 1980s it shows the capture of Colonel Braddock during the Vietnam war in the 1970s, and his captivity with other American POWs in a brutal prison camp, and his plans to escape.The second (actually first) film in the Missing in Action trilogy. Chuck reprises his role as Braddock, but this time he is back in Vietnam but as a POW (even though technically the war has ended). Follow Braddock and his men as they devise a master escape plan that includes lots of explosions, most of them dying, and round-house kicks to the face.
- DirectorAaron NorrisStarsChuck NorrisAki AleongRoland Harrah IIIBraddock mounts a one-man assault to free his wife and son who are still being held in a Vietnam prison camp.The final installment of the Missing in Action trilogy, Braddock is summoned back to Vietnam because he is told his wife and son are still alive. I must note that the timing of all of these movies is very confusing because supposedly all of them take place post-war, but they're never really clear on dates, which makes it seem like some of these stories would have overlapped, but that's too much thought for a Chuck Norris film. Braddock finds his wife and son and will single-handedly destroy a Vietnamese army base whilst saving a large group of orphans.
"Says you, Braddock!" - DirectorEric KarsonStarsChuck NorrisKaren CarlsonLee Van CleefA martial artist must defeat a plan by ninjas to create a worldwide training camp for terrorists.This movie established the three rules of a Chuck Norris film that would be followed, somewhat closely, for many Chuck films hereafter. The first rule: women cannot resist Chuck Norris. There are at least 4 women in this film that will lustily pursue our hero, some of which will die in the process. But who could blame them, especially because of rule number 2.
Rule 2: Chuck will be shirtless at least once during the film (battle-torn shirts count).
And rule number 3: Chuck Norris is very slow to anger, but will eventually mete out his wrath on the wicked. This of course means that Chuck will not do anything for the first half, to 2/3rds of the film, but eventually will destroy all of those who wronged him within 20-30 mins. This movie can really be summed up as Chuck's brother has a ninja training camp and his ninjas keep killing people somewhere in the world. Many people ask Chuck to go and stop his brother. Chuck hesitates for 45 mins. Chuck finally decides to go over there, enters the Octagon, kills everybody but his brother, and then has a final showdown with Sakura (sakura, sakura -whispered echo), and then the film abruptly ends. - DirectorChris ArthKevin SummerfieldStarsMeagan Adele LopezRuben BrownAntonio Benedict5 teenagers are forced to clean up the woods of Sleepy Hollow, but one by one they are decapitated by a man with a jack-o-lantern mask and a sword, but who could it be?The first movie by Kevin Summerfield (and also the only one he will star in) that follows a Breakfast Club-esque crew of at-risk youth as they spend one day cleaning up the woods as punishment for being bad or something. Of course all of them end up being hunted by the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow legend. After suffering for an hour and a half of bad acting, bad editing, bad everything, you are treated to [SPOILER ALERT] another "it was all just a dream" let down. Though it is his first feature film, this movie is not Summerfield's worst.
Make sure you watch the Documentary in the special features to introduce yourself to the one-and-only Chris Arth! - DirectorKevin SummerfieldStarsAnselChris ArthTerrence J. ArthGreedy land developers threaten to shut down the financially strapped animal shelter unless the owners can find a way to save it and its animals who have the ability to communicate among themselves.The second, and by far the most painful of any, Kevin Summerfield movie. All of the animals talk (poorly overdubbed) all of the time and each animal's voice is a terrible imitation of an early 2000s pop icon. If you can endure all of that, you'll be treated to a random dancing moose at the end of the film and Chris Arth grinding on the Hot Dog king. This movie may provoke you or other viewers to physical violence. I suggest that you announce a disclaimer before viewing that everyone in the room is free to leave at any time to prevent any of your viewers from having you arrested for torture.
- DirectorKevin SummerfieldStarsTimothy StultzErika AnnKen MitzkovitzA shy, bullied boy receives an ancient tome with the power to transport him to an enchanted forest, where the woodland inhabitants rely on him as their only hope for fending off an evil king and invaders.The third and most iconic of the Kevin Summerfield films. Follow Max as he discovers a secret doorway that has been superimposed over a tree in a forest in Maryland. Traveling through the doorway, he comes across a group of badly-costumed LARPers at the Maryland Renaissance Festival who hail him as their new hero. This movie can be turned into a wonderful drinking game once the evil Lord Dagda is introduced. Take a shot/drink every time Dagda yells his famous catch-phrase "Daahh". Make sure you call a taxi cab for you and your guests for all of you will be inebriated by the end of the film. And make sure you don't have any liquid in your mouth when they reveal Krimble's true form.
Favorite Quote: Mr. Tim Tim, "Believe in yourself Matt-x." - DirectorKevin SummerfieldStarsEvan BarronRonnie CaldwellZach CarsonFour teens set out to capture four stallions that escaped from a wealthy farm in order to claim the reward.The fourth of the Kevin Summerfield films. Join a group of misfit children as they set out to find some horses that have gone missing. These children are supposed to be friends but are terrible to each other and let their poor dog take all of the beating as they run from a rifle-wielding redneck in hot pants who is also in pursuit of the horses. You really feel bad for that poor dog most of the movie.
- DirectorKevin SummerfieldStarsKen MitzkovitzFreddie SabaughNed NarangThe teenaged descendant of Professor Van Helsing must fight an ancient demon named Simon Magus for control of a powerful sceptor.The last of the Kevin Summerfield films. This one is a classic. Stupid plot, bad acting, altered Sony discman for a magic compass, typo in the subtitles, lip-snyc performances to Asian Creed, the list goes on and on. This is definitely a must-watch/own for any bad movie connoisseur.
- DirectorPhilip RidleyStarsBrendan FraserAshley JuddViggo MortensenA young man who has spent his life as a member of an ultraconservative Christian cult loses his parents and becomes disoriented, wandering into a forest and meeting a coffin transporter, a caring woman, her mute boyfriend, and his mother.The film that started my bad movie "passion." This pseudo-art film will certainly give you new opinions about once-decent actors Ashley Judd, Viggo Mortensen and Brendan Fraser (although Fraser had already made a bunch of bad movies at this point). You'll watch day by day as Darkly finally reaches his limit, equips himself with an explosion stick and barb-wire shirt, and burns the house to the ground. If you don't feel like you have endured a tragedy by watching this awful film, then you deserve a giant floating shoe to send your dog to heaven with.
- DirectorRoger ChristianStarsJohn TravoltaForest WhitakerBarry PepperIt's the year 3000 A.D., and the Earth is lost to the alien race of Psychlos. Humanity is enslaved by these gold-thirsty tyrants, who are unaware that their 'man-animals' are about to ignite the rebellion of a lifetime.Blow the dome!
- DirectorMartin BrestStarsBen AffleckJennifer LopezJustin BarthaLarry Gigli is assigned by a crime boss to kidnap the brother of a prominent district attorney. A beautiful woman known only as Ricki is sent to stay with him to make sure he doesn't mess up the job.The best part of this film is when Christopher Walken and Ben Affleck have their scene. You can tell that Walken's lines were improvised and that his whole intention is to make Affleck laugh. Kudos to Affleck for not actually laughing, because I was on the floor by the time Marie Calendar's is discussed.
- DirectorJames NguyenStarsAlan BaghWhitney MooreTippi HedrenA horde of mutated birds descends upon the quiet town of Half Moon Bay, California. As the death toll rises, two citizens manage to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic?This movie was viewed for obvious reasons, but I gotta go. I hear a mountain lion.
- DirectorEric ParkinsonMatt ReevesOley SassoneStarsVivian SchillingMartin KoveBrion JamesHorror anthology about a psychiatrist who uses virtual reality to probe the minds of three unsuspecting patients, a paranoid woman home alone, a meek man with a roommate from hell (Paxton) and a man obsessed with his own death.Bill Paxton plays Bill Paxton. You hate him just as much in this film as you would any other of his films (or in real life for that matter). It's a horrible thing when a movie is so bad that you begin cheering for the demise of the characters that are enduring hardships like wild dogs, a bad roommate and earthquakes, but you just want them all to go away and burn forever.
Make sure you watch the deleted scene!
"Baby, I'm gonna rock your world." - DirectorSteven LisbergerStarsBob PeckMark HamillKitty AldridgeIn the near future, where Earth has been devastated by man's pollution and giant winds rule the planet, bounty hunter Matt kidnaps a murderer out of the hands of two police officers, planning to get the bounty himself.Bill Paxton plays Bill Paxton yet again. Mark Hamill has a beard, and this film is an hour and a half of ultra-lights flying around Ireland or something similar to it. I had to watch this movie 5 times to understand the plot, and it still made my brain hurt. How they were able to get Elmer Bernstein to do the score for this film still puzzles me.
Note: this is the first of 3 obtainable films to share this title. The other 2 films were nothing like this one and are also in this list. - DirectorDavid van EyssenStarsSean AstinVinnie JonesIvana MilicevicA scientist goes to a bank to meet a pretty bank teller. His time machine allows him to go 10 minutes back in time and correct his approaches to her. He's shadowed by two FBI agents and the bank gets robbed.You will wish for Sean Astin to die, stay dead, and die again while watching this terrible time travel film. I appreciated that they take time to explain away an obvious plot hole, but then include an obvious plot hole within 10 minutes of the explanation scene.
- DirectorAnthony HopkinsStarsAnthony HopkinsStella HopkinsChristian SlaterAging screenwriter Felix Bonhoeffer has lived his life in two states of existence: in reality and his own interior world. While working on a murder mystery script, and unaware that his brain is on the verge of implosion, Felix is baffled when his characters start to appear in his life, and vice versa.I assume this is what happens when elderly actors consume copious amounts of peyote or hash and then ramble into a tape recorder and then allow members of the memory ward at the local nursing home to transcribe the tape and write the screenplay. I'd have to admit that this art-film was the worst of all of the Slipstream films for its overuse of special effects, editing techniques and story-within-a-story-within-a-story type script.
- DirectorHarold P. WarrenStarsTom NeymanJohn ReynoldsDiane AdelsonA family gets lost on the road and stumbles upon a hidden, underground, devil-worshiping cult led by the fearsome Master and his servant Torgo.My personal favorite bad film of all time! Make sure you get the MST3K special edition DVD that contains the documentary Hotel Torgo! The history to the making of this film is so rich.
It's also fun to walk into random places and shout "The damn car won't start" and just keep saying it over and over again. - DirectorEdward D. Wood Jr.StarsGregory WalcottTom KeeneMona McKinnonEvil aliens attack Earth and set their terrible "Plan 9" into action. As the aliens resurrect the dead of the Earth, the lives of the living are in danger.Of course Ed Wood films would be in my collection. I developed a deep affection for Ed Wood after watching the Tim Burton film of the same name.
- DirectorEdward D. Wood Jr.StarsEdward D. Wood Jr.Bela LugosiLyle TalbotA psychiatrist tells the stories of a transvestite (Glen or Glenda) and a pseudohermaphrodite (Alan or Anne).You gotta love 1950s misogyny.
- DirectorEdward D. Wood Jr.StarsBela LugosiTor JohnsonTony McCoyA mad doctor attempts to create atomic supermen.Has the famous scene where Bela Lugosi wrestles with a stolen giant octopus prop.
- DirectorBill RebaneHerschell Gordon LewisStarsPhilip MortonJune TravisGeorge PerryA space capsule crash-lands on Earth, and the astronaut aboard disappears. Is there a connection between the missing man and the monster roaming the area?To quote Nelson Muntz, "I can think of two things wrong with that title." Although there was that one scene with the teens doing their crazy young people dancing. I suppose that could count for "a-Go Go."
- DirectorBrett PiperStarsPaul GuzziLinda CorwinAlex PirnieIn a post-Armageddon world, a young woman finds herself in a fight for survival against mutant cavemen, dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals.Troma. You should know what you are going to get just from the Production Company. Nice touch with the titular line at the beginning though.
- DirectorPeter GeorgeStarsGail NeelyRobert HardenBarry BrennerWhen the son of a gun-wielding woman is murdered by neo-Nazi surf punks in the post-apocalyptic future, his Mama hunts them down for some bloodthirsty revenge.There is nothing good or redeeming about this movie. Watching it is simply a test of endurance/madness.
- DirectorChris SeaverStarsMeredith HostKurt IndovinaJesse GreenRiding the lofty coattails of the international tween sensation TWILIGHT, TAINTLIGHT is the tale of Stella, a young girl who falls in love with an ancient, beautifully-coifed bloodsucker named Edgar.I was only able to watch the first 15 minutes of this spoof. My friend Brad came over and he watched it at the 10 minute mark and then threatened to hurt me if I didn't turn it off. I could tell he wasn't kidding so I turned it off.