The Worst, of the Worst, Horror Films Ever Made
A personal collection of the biggest piles of (insert noun here) I have ever seen. This is either a recommendation or warning, depending on what's in your noggin. For Horror Fans
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- DirectorMichael RasmussenShawn RasmussenStarsBree ElrodDayna CousinsMichael ReedA film crew moves into an abandoned psychiatric hospital with a shadowy past to shoot a low budget horror movie.Made such an impression on me that I can barely remember what it was about. Dull, tedious, unoriginal will suffice to describe it.
- DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsJames WoodsDaniel BaldwinSheryl LeeRecovering from an ambush that killed his entire team, a vengeful vampire slayer must retrieve an ancient Catholic relic that, should it be acquired by vampires, will allow them to walk in sunlight.I will admit that my review of this film was never going to be great because of my intense dislike of James Woods, as an actor. But this is countered by my love and admiration for John Carpenter (The Thing, Halloween and Big Trouble in Little China are amongst my favourite films). But, as much as I hate to say it, this is a really poor film.
Derivative, poor performances, editing seemingly done with a spoon and just all around badly done.
Carpenter has only made 2 stinkers. This is one.
The other is Ghosts of Mars. - DirectorMichael J. GallagherStarsCaitlin GerardMelanie PapaliaShane DawsonAfter discovering an urban legend of a demented serial killer, who has nothing but a carved "smiley" on his face, a mentally fragile teenager must figure out if she is going insane - or if she could be the next victim.Whilst I appreciate that many horror films rely on having groups of protagonists who seem functionally stupid, Smiley takes it a step further. No logic or sense to the story and characters that are so dumb you start hoping for them to die as soon as possible.
Not worth your time. - DirectorTod WilliamsStarsJohn CusackSamuel L. JacksonIsabelle FuhrmanWhen a mysterious cell phone signal causes apocalyptic chaos, an artist is determined to reunite with his young son in New England.A decent budget and Stephen King source material should make for a good film but this one completely misses the mark. Not even SLJ can save this one.
- DirectorVictor SalvaStarsStan ShawGabrielle HaughBrandon SmithSheriff Dan Tashtego and a team of creeper hunters enlist the help of officer Davis Tubbs to help stop the monster's eating spree.I liked the first one and the sequel was decent but this was the step too far. The main direction here must have been "Ham! We need lots and lots of Ham!" And the actors didn't disappoint.
- DirectorJoseph SargentStarsLorraine GaryLance GuestMario Van PeeblesChief Brody's widow believes that her family is deliberately being targeted by another shark in search of revenge.Arrant nonsense and gets the one star because it blights the legacy of one of my favourite films.
- DirectorNeil LaButeStarsNicolas CageEllen BurstynLeelee SobieskiA sheriff investigating the disappearance of a young girl from a small island discovers there's a larger mystery to solve among the island's secretive, neo-pagan community.The Wicker Man is a stonecold British classic and remaking it was akin to remaking Citizen Kane. Just NO. But even if you had never seen the original, you would still wonder at the appalling script and terrible acting that infect this film.
- DirectorJames IsaacStarsKane HodderLexa DoigJeff GeddisJason Voorhees is cryogenically frozen at the beginning of the 21st century, and is discovered in the 25th century and taken to space. He gets thawed, and begins stalking and killing the crew of the spaceship that's transporting him.Jason Voohees on a spaceship? On a spaceship? With a "new machete". No. No. No. No. No.
- DirectorLulu JarmenStarsMark PellegrinoElisabeth HarnoisDave FrancoOrdered to a delinquent camp by their exasperated parents, a group of wayward teens fall foul of a deadly virus that infects the guards and turns them into flesh-eating monsters! Gristle and gore are on the menu-as are the kids in this Brat Camp slaughterhouse massacre.Just grimly awful and not in a good way; trying to be troma but failing.
- DirectorMichael S. OjedaStarsAmanda Adrienne SmithMarc Anthony SamuelRodney RowlandA deaf girl is brutalized by a murderous gang who are then hunted by her when the bloodthirsty spirit of an Apache warrior inhabits her lifeless body.It should be difficult for a film to be unpleasant and ridiculous, but they managed with this one.
- DirectorStanton BarrettStarsEd QuinnMichael DudikoffRick FoxA team of Navy SEALS find themselves embarking on the battle of their lives when they come face-to-face with the undead.Utter shite. But just in case you wanted some more, Navy Seals vs. Demons has now been made.
- DirectorRobin HardyStarsBrittania NicolHenry GarrettGraham McTavishCharmed by the residents of Tressock, Scotland, two young missionaries accept the invitation to participate in a local festival, fully unaware of the consequences of their decision.Sometimes you should just leave it at one. Particularly as Robin Hardy's debut film was the Wicker Man. But no, someone persuaded him to make this sequel 38 years after. He should have refused because this is a confused mess. Looks cheap, the soundtrack jars the ear and it is just soooo poor. Avoid.
- DirectorAndrew BlackStarsAdam JohnsonMaclain NelsonRenny GramesWhen marauding orcs invade a US National Park, our collective fates lie in the hands of Ranger Cal Robertson and his side-kick, Volunteer Cadet Hobie, who must stop the wave of destruction before the whole world is overrun.In one of the reviews for this film, the reviewer wrote "Obviously, this isn't better than the The Lord Of The Rings trilogy......".
No Sh*t Sherlock. - DirectorSteve WolshStarsLachlan BuchananPujaBryce DraperAfter narrowly escaping an ancient burial ground, a group of friends find themselves trapped between two evils, forcing them to fight, die, or go back the way they came.This is what happens when a producer/writer/director completely disappears up his own a**e. This is nothing more than a sexploitation film pretending to be something else. And the something else makes no sense, either.
There is a sequel in pre-production but f**k knows why. - DirectorRichard PepinStarsChristopher AtkinsColm MeaneyAngela FeatherstoneDisguised as extreme adventurers, a group of high profile thieves unknowingly lead a group of wealthy tourists on an expedition through an abandoned salt mine that is guarded by ancient creatures.Not sure where to start with this. Appalling acting, terrible special effects and just utterly ridiculous. Not even the saving grace of unintentional laughs.
- DirectorLeo McGuiganStarsShaun BlaneyJenna ByrneVicky AllenA serial killer returns to a small town on the anniversary of his initial spree, forcing a young cop - himself a survivor of the original massacre - to catch him before it's too late.I've watched a lot of slasher movies over the years and this ranks as one of the worst. Terrible acting, plot holes you could drive lorry through and writing that is trite and formulaic beyond belief.
Now, some terrible films transcend how awful they are and can be unintentionally very funny.
This isn't one of them. - DirectorGeorge A. RomeroStarsAlan Van SprangKenneth WelshKathleen MunroeOn an island off the coast of North America, local residents simultaneously fight a zombie epidemic while hoping for a cure to return their un-dead relatives back to their human state.Similar to my review of Vampires, above, I am an admirer of Romero but couldn't find anything positive to say about this. Tired, rehashed ideas and it delivers nothing new. For this one, he was just mailing it in because Survival contains none of his trademark intelligence or savage wit.
- DirectorKaare AndrewsStarsSean AstinCurrie GrahamRyan DonowhoWhen a group of friends enjoying a bachelor cruise in the Caribbean stumble upon a research facility on a remote island, a deadly virus is unleashed. The group must find a way to survive before the flesh eating virus consumes them all.The only thing to admire in this is some of the make-up and that's a stretch. Boring and tedious.
- DirectorDeclan O'BrienStarsDoug BradleyCamilla ArfwedsonSimon GintyA group of college students, on a trip to the Mountain Man Festival on Halloween in West Virginia, encounter a clan of cannibals.Wrong Turn was a genuinely well made, scary film and as usual the sequels gradually got worse. This one scraped, and I mean SCRAPED, the bottom of the barrell.
- DirectorAndrew HullStarsEoin MackenAnna SkellernTereza SrbovaStrange goings on ensue, when a few friends on a sailboat find an island with a beautiful lone female inhabitant.I genuinely cannot remember anything about this film. It seems that my mind has blanked the memory to save me from psychological damage, because this was such pile of S***E!
- DirectorWilliam MaloneStarsStephen DorffNatascha McElhoneStephen ReaA New York City detective investigates mysterious deaths occurring 48 hours after users log onto a site named feardotcom.Where to start? Camerawork - Sh*t. Acting - Terrible. Script - Confused Mess. A truly awful film but one that may rank alongside Ed Wood, at his best/worst.
- DirectorDaniel de la VegaStarsJulieta CardinaliEleonora WexlerRafael FerroVirginia will do the impossible in order to rescue her daughter, who has been abducted. After a lethal accident, she is given the the chance to live one day more. On her path, she will find out that there are worse fates than death.I didn't make it to the end of this one. Just very very poor.
- DirectorLuis CarvalhoStarsBrinke StevensJocelyn PadillaRyan BoudreauA story of revenge from beyond the grave, centering on a group of teenagers who unknowingly supply the catalyst for the murdered Jonah's return from the grave. A day like any other in a town not unlike that found all across the country, like minded teens hanging out, laughing, enjoying each other's company. When the darkness takes over the day and boredom sets in, they retreat to their basement hangout. Francis, the self-imposed leader of the group, a wannabe mystic, decides to play with their heads and breaks out a Spirit Board. Eagerly the game is played and soon they make contact with the tormented Spirit of Jonah. They begin to ask questions and soon learn how, when, and why Jonah was murdered in his lifetime. Mocking Tony, who warns them that it is a dangerous game to play, they make the choice of their young lives when they participate together in summoning Jonah beseeching him to come to them through the spirit board, What starts as a joke soon turns into a nightmare of garish proportions, when Jonah does indeed join the young teens with an agenda of death on his deceased mind,... Meanwhile,.. Zora Matthias the lecherous trophy wife ,who secretly murdered her husband Jonah for his fortune, parties upstairs with Francis' swinging parents and a houseful of revelers,.. .. oblivious to what is happening right below their feet. The true reason for Jonah's resurrection becomes clear as the teens desperately try to come to grips with the nightmare they have thrust themselves into. Will anyone survive? If they do,.. what will be left of them?For this I'm going to borrow a very short review I saw on Rotten Tomatoes.
"Jesus Christ, that was awful"
Enough said. - DirectorUwe BollStarsJonathan CherryTyron LeitsoClint HowardA group of college students travels to a mysterious island to attend a rave, which is soon taken over by bloodthirsty zombies.Need I say more than that this was directed by Uwe Boll. If you have no knowledge of this man, he is a candidate for the worst living director and by some miracle has managed 33 directing credits.
- DirectorJason ConneryStarsCuba Gooding Jr.Ray WinstoneRon PerlmanAn elite group of soldiers on a covert mission to retrieve a scientist from an underground lab encounter an ancient evil in the facility.No attempt to hide that is a straight rip-off but the worst thing about this is that there are some people in it who can act. But they seem to have made a group decision not to bother in this one. Shite.