Actors who should be delivering pizzas in hell and a few worth saving
pure snark during quarantine is saving my soul , people, i'm middle-aged, not PC, and uglier than your mama, so deal with it
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- DirectorKristin BarloweShana FesteChristopher SimsStarsGwyneth PaltrowRobbed Cate Blanchett of an Oscar for talking to herself in Shakespeare in Love, one of the most boring movies ever. Nepotism and skinny genes propelled her into the spotlight. Bland and forgettable, but somehow loved by many. Will sell you a ten thousand dollar vibrator on her idiotic and narcissistic "Lifestyle" website. Moonlights as Dorothy Day, clearly. Somewhat tolerable in Sylvia, but one never forgets she's Gwyneth Paltrow. Would she last a day in a trailer park?
- StarsOrlando BloomLiam NeesonRidley ScottPrettier than most women, Bloom was most tolerable in Elizabethtown and least tolerable in everything else. Smiles and does algebra equations in his head to induce look of faux smoldering intensity. According to Aylin, the poor man's Leonardo Dicaprio. Most are jealous of him. Married Katy Perry, who still prefers kissing girls.
- DirectorGreg CarsonStarsClaire DanesWinnie HolzmanNeurotic, intense, and full of precocious sensitivity, Danes always looks like she'd rather be reading a book. Most preferably a classic. Died poetically in Little Women and married to Hugh Dancy. He went to Oxford. No doubt they spend evenings reading poetry to one another and discussing liberal causes by fire light.
- DirectorMichael DempseyStarsGeorge ClooneySally FieldRichard GereA truly bad actress, Roberts vacillates between angry speeches and pure condescension in most of her roles. Became famous for playing a hooker, then was allowed to morph gradually into "serious" roles. Best in Mystic Pizza, her worst roles were in things like Notting Hill, in which she played herself. Co-stars are required to worship her in most of her vehicles. Would love to see her play a garbage collector.
- StarsPete HandelmanLaura Jeanne MeyerA parody of characters from True Detective Season 1.A big ol'Texan grin is perpetually plastered on his face, or wherever the hell he's from. Knows he's attractive, which makes him insufferable. Liked him best in Contact, where his screen time is mercifully short. Plays the bongo drums, smokes weed, and has starred in too many rom-coms to count. Your mother probably thinks he's hot. On bad hair days, probably still thinks he's Robert Mitchum.
- StarsGary JohnsonJoanne SmithDespite claims that no animals were harmed, there are no happy endings for elephants provided for movies, neither for Tai who appeared in "Water for Elephants" with Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson, nor for Rosie who appeared together with Kevin James in "Zookeeper". Both of the elephants are back at the circus, forced to perform and give rides with El Zagal Shrine Circus in North Dakota. Workers at Have Trunk Will Travel, that provides elephants for movies and other media, are seen giving such animals cruel training by punching, beating them with bull hooks, and hitting them with electric shock devices.Anemic and lanky, Pattinson looked like he swallowed a newt during most of his vampire playing days. A teen sensation, he followed his Twilight stardom by appearing in movies about grim topics like 9-11. While not the worst actor ever, his face suggests ennui and existential crises he'll never solve. Was Kristen Stewart really his girlfriend? We'll never know.
- DirectorJustin DecStarsClancy McLainTaylor Anthony MillerDenver MilordTwo eager roommates wait for an old friend to drop by their home for dinner. It just so happens that friend is Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence and when it comes to blowing people off, she gives them the performance of a lifetime.A bizarrely overrated actress, Lawrence speaks like the prettiest sorority girl at the party, bursts of hilarity tinged with euphoria derived from bad mixed drinks. Most tolerable in The Hunger Games, she began to believe she was the second coming and it showed. Spends long hours in meditation eating gummy bears and watching trashy eighties soaps. Stars in movies in which people talk too much and think too little. Silver linings, anyone? Ahem.
- StarsPaul Joseph WatsonMeryl StreepPedro AlmodóvarPaul Joseph Watson accuses Meryl Streep of hypocrisy and moral grandstanding for claiming to support women's rights, while defending the likes of Roman Polanski and Harvey Weinstein.For some she's the gold standard for acting. For others, we cringe at the sight of her. Self-important, giddy with liberal vehemence, and probably a secret needlepoint addict. She's been in holocaust movies and one highlighting union worker activism. Thanks to people casting her in this shit, she now treats us all to long speeches about how MMA are not the arts. Please keep her in Connecticut and off my TV screen.
- DirectorJohn RutterStarsNatasha CotroneoCameron DiazSoftcore bondage video starring future superstar Cameron Diaz.A very loud and goofy woman who looks the way Hollywood thinks most chicks should look. Incredibly obsessed with her own ass. Made my eyeballs and ears slowly melt (and not in a good way) in The Holiday. Best role was as a blind woman in a movie with a title too long to type out. Perpetually highlighted on the Graham Norton Show to take the piss out of Americans, clearly.
- StarsLori JoyceHeather WhiteMario VairaThe Cupcake Girls follows entrepreneurs and best friends Heather and Lori on a hectic and often hilarious journey to build their cupcake empire. Business is never a piece of cake, but Heather and Lori prove that mishaps can be deliciously entertaining.I just like cupcakes. Next.
- DirectorAng LeeStarsJake GyllenhaalHeath LedgerMichelle WilliamsEnnis and Jack are two shepherds who develop a sexual and emotional relationship. Their relationship becomes complicated when both of them get married to their respective girlfriends.Jake Gyllenhaal probably won at least one spelling bee growing up. Beloved by gay men everywhere, JG has a hound dog face and a sweet puppy soul. His acting is of the intense thespian variety, and he benefited from nepotism big-time. Most believable playing store clerks, least believable in anything requiring him to look older than fifteen. He and his sister will be recast as the Wonder Twins, where the collective force of their privilege will smite even the most stubborn deposits of conservatism.
- DirectorHarold RamisStarsBill MurrayAndie MacDowellChris ElliottA narcissistic, self-centered weatherman finds himself in a time loop on Groundhog Day.A pretty southern woman with no discernible emotions, Andie MacDowell burst into prominence for discussing sex on videotape. More nauseating proof of Hollyweird's ability to turn women into whores, she fails to captivate in every role. Pleasant and unthreatening, she should be cast as a serial killer or waitress with no heart of gold. I will say I enjoyed her when she was riding on buses with her sister, but overall I view her as the human equivalent of a sleeping pill.
- DirectorMel SoriaStarsAction BronsonBig DataFall Out BoyOfficial music video for "Uma Thurman" by Fall Out Boy.With her unique looks and oddly high voice, Thurman became an obsession for people seeking relief from run-of-the-mill actors. Became famous for sexualised performances in everything from Jennifer 8 to Dangerous Liaisons. Smarter than most actresses, she still has all the charm of an icy, day old bowl of miso soup. Best cast in anything pretentious.
- DirectorGillian BartlettStarsAbbe HolmesSince her first major role in BMX Bandits, Nicole Kidman has come a long way.A plastic surgery addict, Kidman became the "it girl" for directors seeking a bankable leading actress. Neurotic, anorexic, and compulsively histrionic, Kidman was best in The Others. Her worst role was with her bug eyed ex, forever scientologist Tom Cruise. Cast mostly for her ability to wear clothes well and to fool audiences into thinking she's not one step away from the mother of all nervous breakdowns. Played Woolf for a reason.
- StarsMatthew BroderickChris KleinAlexander PayneThis interview with actor Reese Witherspoon was conducted by The Criterion Collection in Los Angeles in August 2017.Another blonde white woman with big blue eyes, Witherspoon's grin suggests half part Baptist church meeting, half addiction to Twizzlers. Strident, in-your-face, and least believable playing wallflowers or bookworms, Witherspoon is the second coming of spunky southern attitude meets too many tequilas. Best in The Man in the Moon, worst in Wild, a movie that is probably shown on flights to Thailand quite a lot.
- DirectorMichael DempseyStarsNicolas CageSamuel L. JacksonJim CarreyHosted by the suave Samuel L. Jackson, movie and television stars gather in Beverly Hills to honor Nicolas Cage with movie clips and humorous stories about the Academy Award winning Actor.Not the one I wanted. Next.
- DirectorJack BishopStarsMasami KosakaBob TurtonTsubee UAn actor who also benefits from nepotism, Cage has clearly spent many years discussing his inner traumas in AA meetings and burying his face in chocolate cake. Hilarious in The Wicker Man, oddly genius in Matchstick Men, Cage is a wildly uneven actor whose personal issues overshadow every role. Is he crazy? Does he take everything personally? Does he just need a hug? Yes, yes, and yes.
- DirectorSteve StaffordStarsHarrison FordStephen ChangAn up-close personal look at a superb pilot who also just happens to be the biggest box office star of all time.Legendary as Han Solo, Ford is one of the angriest good looking men alive. Grim, watchful, and always ready to punch people in the face repeatedly, he contains inner volcanoes of intensity unrivaled thus far in the history of cinema. Cast in too many "iconic" roles to count, Ford scares the living shit out of me. Is he a bad actor? A mediocre one? Or just good at playing a man who'd rather sit at a bar and cry, way deep down where it doesn't hurt?
- DirectorSpike JonzeStarsJohn CusackCameron DiazCatherine KeenerA puppeteer discovers a portal that leads literally into the head of movie star John Malkovich.An actor who defines the word pretentious, JM eerie-whispers his way into the squirmy recesses of your worst fears. A guy who spends hours reading old gardening magazines and who used to fantasise about his grandmother naked, clearly. Whip-smart, painfully uncomfortable to watch, yet touted as an important, thinking man's type of actor. Probably owns several pairs of purple jeans from a vintage thrift store. Most tolerable in Of Mice and Men, a book he actually read.
- 2003– 1h 24m7.1 (1.1K)TV EpisodeDirectorJoel GallenStarsAlec BaldwinSean HayesRobert De NiroSean Hayes serves as roast master as it is Alec Baldwin's turn in the hot seat. Robert De Niro, Jeff Ross, and Caitlyn Jenner among others take jabs at the actor/comedian.The angriest blue-eyed Irish- American guy alive, Baldwin is what Aidan Quinn fears waking up to in the morning. Cast for his hirsute good looks and phone-sex operator voice, Baldwin has both range and talent. Unfortunately, his squinty-eyed sociopathic ways grew more grating as the years went by. Best in things like Prelude to a Kiss, Baldwin will go down as the guy who parodied Trump on SNL. Paranoid, angry liberals love him, but he's happiest on a boat telling dirty jokes as his very young wife changes diapers.
- DirectorRob ReinerStarsBilly CrystalMeg RyanCarrie FisherHarry and Sally have known each other for years, and are very good friends, but they fear sex would ruin the friendship.Which brings us, of course, to Meg Ryan. Yet another American cheerleader with a sad eyed soul, Ryan was America's secretly angry sweetheart for years. Charmingly lispy and slight , she seemed to suggest vulnerability and confusion in spades. Trout Pout Meg is rarely seen these days, but her admirers have never waned. Best in movies playing neurotic yuppies, worst when cast as junkie rocker girlfriends.
- DirectorJustin LazernikStarsCharlize TheronCharlize Theron AKA Furiosa AKA Charlie Knuckles is going to light your ass up like the Fourth of July - at the gym. She's inviting YOU to join her for the ultimate workout session with her trainer. Think you can hang with the star of Mad Max: Fury Road, Atomic Blonde, and The Fast and the Furious?Another in a long line of women with hair dye to burn, Theron was Hollyweird's attempt to turn a mediocre actress into cinematic gold. Detached and willowy, Theron hides secrets even from herself. Putty faced and pliable in Monster, for which she earned an Oscar, Theron tries very hard to act. Most English character actresses could blow her out of the water, but as ever, visually horny theater goers like a pretty lady. Best role: The Huntsman films. Most believable role: her Dior commercial, which she pranced her way through like a show pony looking for a sugar cube at the end of a carrot stick.
- DirectorPierre-Henry SalfatiStarsSandra LevyJean-Christophe BrétignièreMichael Feeney CallanRobert Redford, with his fuzzy blond hair and steel blue eyes, was seen by many, especially female fans, as a sex symbol, despicable lover and daring romantic. But the Hollywood star has been, and is, much more than that, because he's committed to independent cinema, promoting independent directors, and advocating for the environment and North American indigenous people by using his stardom. The documentary tries to get closer to the big film star by means of expert interviews, film excerpts, festival appearances and rarely shown private shots.A Ken Doll brought to life, Redford's condescending and creepy persona has rubbed me the wrong way for years. Best cast as a millionaire who offers Woody Harrelson money to bang his wife. Self-important, this "natural" and instantly recognisable actor banks less on talent than confidence. Still pretty, still hanging out in Colorado, and still overrated as phuck.
- StarsWilliam HurtKathleen TurnerThis short takes us on a flashback to 1981 with interviews from Hurt and Turner.Hurt is arguably the most depressed actor alive, a strangely cocky introvert with eyes suggestive of nights nursing narcotic substances. Cast as himself in the Big Chill, Hurt has played everything from tortured gay men to Mr. Rochester. Brilliant yet often dull, Hurt seems like he's on the verge of either filing his nails or filing a lawsuit during every scene he's in. Bring a whoopee cushion to the theater and you'll be just fine.
- DirectorPhillip NoyceStarsVal KilmerElisabeth ShueRade SerbedzijaSimon "The Saint" Templar (Val Kilmer), is a thief for hire, whose latest job to steal the secret process for cold fusion puts him at odds with a traitor bent on toppling the Russian government, as well as the woman who holds its secret.Val Kilmer is a Julliard graduate, which means during certain scenes his voice rises commandingly and women feel their ovaries explode. Handsome, weirdly vulnerable, narcissistic, and prone to writing bad poetry, Kilmer's eerie likeness to my cousin Jim Morrison is now legendary. He makes moon eyes, he smirks, he seems like he's taking great drugs in every scene. Whether he's playing Ice Man or a real genius, Kilmer makes you either want to remove your underwear or offer him a hug. And yes, I am a distant relative of Mr. Morrison, which explains my love of howling at the moon.