- California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange.
- You can take all of the sincerity in Hollywood and put into a mosquito's navel and still have room for two caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
- A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
- Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
- To a newspaperman a human being is an item with the skin wrapped around it.
- I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college and got my tuition fees back.
- [on Ed Sullivan] He'll be around for as long as someone else has talent.
- My eyes look as though they are peeping over two dirty ping pong balls.
- Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
- [on committee] Committee] a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide nothing can be done.
- Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because it's rare when anything is well-done.
- An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
- [observation, 1956] Vaudeville is dead. The acrobats, the animal acts, the dancers, the singers and the old-time comedians have taken their final bows and disappeared into the wings of obscurity. For 50 years vaudeville was the popular entertainment of the masses. Nomadic tribes of nondescript players roamed the land. The vaudeville actor was part gypsy and part suitcase. With his brash manner, flashy clothes, capes and cane, and accompanied by his gaudy womenfolk, the vaudevillian brought happiness and excitement to the communities he visited. Vaudeville was more a matter of style than of material. It was not so much what the two- and three-a-day favorites said and did, as how they said and did it. For 50 years vaudeville's minstrels found their way into all lands, preaching their gospel of merriment and song, and rousing the rest of the world to laughter and to tears. A few diehards who knew and enjoyed vaudeville hover over their television sets, hoping for a miracle. They believe this electronic device is a modern oxygen tent that in some mysterious way can revive vaudeville and return its colorful performers of yesteryear to the current scene. The optimism of these day and night dreamers is wasted. Their vigils are futile. Vaudeville is dead. Period.
- [on Ed Sullivan] He's a pointer. A dog could do that show.
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