- Title Card: This is the story of El Capitan Thunder, a gay caballero whose word of honor, once given, was never broken, and whose promise was as sacred as his love for life, liquor and ladies.
- Hank: Say, why don't you get a bicycle?
- Commandante Ruiz: Bicycle? What do you mean, eh? I know how to ride the horse. I'm a part of a horse.
- Hank: Yeah, and I know what part.
- Dancing Senorita: Oh you *big* boy!
- El Capitan Thunder: You *little* girl! - Aren't you afraid of me?
- Dancing Senorita: No. I know what you call my onions.
- El Capitan Thunder: I guess you know all the vegetables.
- El Capitan Thunder: Can't we be friends?
- Bonita: Would a bird make friends with a snake?
- El Capitan Thunder: But, I am not a bird.
- Commandante Ruiz: Why you are in your under suit?
- Stage Coach Driver: Commandante, El Capitan Thunder, he steal our clothes.
- Commandante Ruiz: El Capitan Thunder! You bow-wows! You octopus! Dios Mio!
- [Opens stage coach door to Ynez in her slip]
- Commandante Ruiz: She's a no clothes!
- Bonita: What does a bandito know - of promises and honor?
- El Capitan Thunder: You - don't take the word of Capitan Thunder? And the whole world know that I never break my promise! You must go.
- Bonita: I will not!
- El Capitan Thunder: I promise you will.
- El Capitan Thunder: Pablo, look at the stars. They are laughing.
- Pablo: The stars laugh, Senor?
- El Capitan Thunder: What are you think they do, they twinkle that way? They are laughing. Because we are such big fools down here.
- Pablo: I think the Capitan, have too much vino.
- El Capitan Thunder: Pablo, do you remember - the Senorita of the stage coach?
- Pablo: Si. Si-si.
- El Capitan Thunder: She had the eyes that smiled and twinkled - just like the stars.
- Pablo: Si.
- El Capitan Thunder: Pablo, bring me the little dress and hat that she wear.
- Pablo: Si.
- El Capitan Thunder: Put her hat on and hold her dress up in front of you.
- [Pablo obeys, but, El Capitan disapproves]
- El Capitan Thunder: Take them off! Take them off, Pablo! Pronto! Now, you leave me alone, Pablo.
- Commandante Ruiz: Silencio! Please, be quiet so I can discuss business. Remember not to forget to remember, I am still Commandante Ruiz!
- Ynez: But, why? Why you come here?
- El Capitan Thunder: I came to return this little dress and bonnet. Was there anything else I stole?
- El Capitan Thunder: Good vino, makes me hungry.
- Ynez: Thunder, can I fix you something to eat? What you like?
- El Capitan Thunder: Everything! Except, beans.
- El Capitan Thunder: I will make you my queen. The queen of my roving banditos. And you will know what it really means to live and - to love.
- El Capitan Thunder: If you are ever in trouble and need a friend, El Capitan Thunder is yours to command. My promise to you. Capitan Thunder never breaks his promise.
- Morgan: I'll go the limit to make this the rip startin'est weddin' that these parts have ever seen. Wine! Music! And Everything! We'll make it an all day fiesta!