Mississippi (1935)
W.C. Fields: Commodore Jackson
Quotes
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Commodore Jackson : Even a dead fish can float downstream.
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Commodore Jackson : My last encounter with the redskins was over thirty-five years ago. I was a mere stripling.
Skeptical Passenger in pilot house : Is that so?
[skeptically]
Commodore Jackson : I whipped out my revolver...
Skeptical Passenger in pilot house : Revolvers weren't invented thirty-five years ago.
[sneering]
Commodore Jackson : Uh... uh... I know that, but the Indians didn't know it. It doesn't matter - I threw it away.
Female passenger : Oh, how exciting - please don't interrupt.
Commodore Jackson : I had just swum the rapids. I had my canoe under one arm and a Rocky Mountain goat under the other.
Skeptical Passenger in pilot house : How could you swim without the use of your arms?
Commodore Jackson : Uh, uh... in those days I had, uh, I had very strong legs. Uh, excuse me
[sheepishly doffs hat to woman]
Commodore Jackson : , very strong limbs.
Female passenger : You must have been full of fire in your youth.
Commodore Jackson : I had to carry fire insurance until I was over forty. As I arrived at the river bank, I was encountered by the entire tribe of the Shug Indians. The most ferocious... have you ever been to Shug country?
Skeptical Passenger in pilot house : No, I haven't.
[glaring at the Commodore]
Commodore Jackson : Uh, that's fine. I unsheathed my Bowie knife and
[slowly and dramatically]
Commodore Jackson : cut a path through this wall of human flesh, dragging my canoe behind me.
Female passenger : [collapsing] Oh, oh, oh... oh.
Commodore Jackson : Ah, I'm sorry. Perhaps I've gone too far.
Skeptical Passenger in pilot house : What, what happened to the goat?
[no trace of skepticism]
Commodore Jackson : He was very good with mustard.
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Gambler #1 : Four aces.
Commodore Jackson : Huh?
Gambler #2 : That's funny... I've got four aces.
Commodore Jackson : Oh, don't tell me.
[starting to worry]
Gambler #1 : [brandishing a pistol] There's only four aces in the deck and the man that holds the first four wins.
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Commodore Jackson : ...unsheathing my Bowie knife, I cut a path through this wall of human flesh, dragging my canoe behi
[wooden Indian passes by the door whose top half is open, startling him]
Commodore Jackson : ...
[cough]
Commodore Jackson : ... behind me. Since that time of course, the noble red man and his pale faced friends have smoked the pipe of peace.
[another Indian passes by - pause and cringes]
Commodore Jackson : Why I wouldn't of more think now of harming a hair on a red man's head than I would sticking a fork in my mother's back. Heh... why, some of my best friends are Indians... Shug Indians.
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Commodore Jackson : Never mind what I told you! You do as I tell you!
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Commodore Jackson : I like women as I like elephants, I like to look at 'em but I wouldn't own one.