- Gilbert: Can I help?
- Iris Henderson: Only by going away.
- Gilbert: No, no, no, no. My father always taught me, never desert a lady in trouble. He even carried that as far as marrying Mother.
- Gilbert: Come on, sit down, take it easy. What's the trouble?
- Iris Henderson: If you must know, something fell on my head.
- Gilbert: When, infancy?
- Charters: If only we hadn't missed that train at Budapest.
- Caldicott: Well, I don't want to rub it in, but if you hadn't insisted on standing up until they'd finished their national anthem...
- Charters: Yes, but you must show respect, Caldicott. If I'd known it was going to last twenty minutes...
- Caldicott: It has always been my contention that the Hungarian Rhapsody is *not* their national anthem.
- Miss Froy: Everyone sings here. The people are just like happy children with laughter in their lips and music in their hearts.
- Charters: It's not reflected in their politics, you know.
- Miss Froy: I never think you should judge any country by its politics. After all, we English are quite honest by nature, aren't we?
- Charters: You can't expect to put the two of us up in the maid's room.
- Hotel Manager: Well don't get excited. I'll remove the maid out.
- Iris Henderson: You're the most contemptible person I've ever met in all my life!
- Gilbert: Confidentially, I think you're a bit of a stinker, too.
- Iris Henderson: Did you notice the nun in there with the patient?
- Gilbert: No, not really...
- Iris Henderson: Nuns don't wear high heels.
- Iris Henderson: I was having tea about an hour ago with an English lady. You saw her, didn't you?
- Charters: Well, I don't know, I mean, I was talking to my friend, wasn't I?
- Caldicott: Indubitably.
- Iris Henderson: Yes, but you were sitting at the next table. She turned and borrowed the sugar. You must remember.
- Charters: Yes, I recall passing the sugar.
- Iris Henderson: Well then you saw her.
- Charters: I repeat we were deep in conversation. We were discussing cricket.
- Iris Henderson: Well, I don't see how a thing like cricket can make you forget seeing people.
- Charters: Oh, don't you? If that's your attitude, there's nothing more to be said! Come Caldicott. "A thing like cricket!"
- Gilbert: Wrong tactics. We should've told him we were looking for a lost cricket ball.
- Iris Henderson: I've no regrets. I've been everywhere and done everything. I've eaten caviar at Cannes, sausage rolls at the dogs. I've played baccarat at Biarritz and darts with the rural dean. What is there left for me but marriage?
- Iris: Boris? Miss Henderson speaking. Look, someone upstairs is playing musical chairs with an elephant. Move one of them out, will you? I want to get some sleep.
- Charters: [Speaking into the telephone] Tell me, what's happening to England?
- [pause]
- Charters: Blowing a gale? No, I'm inquiring about the test match in Manchester.
- [pause]
- Charters: Cricket, sir. Cricket!
- [pause]
- Charters: You don't know? You can't be in England and not know the test score.
- Charters: [Turns to Caldicott] The fellow says he doesn't know.
- Caldicott: Silly ass!
- Miss Froy: Some people've so little consideration for others, which makes life so much more difficult than it need be, don't you think?
- Caldicott: [In the middle of the shootout, pausing before firing his gun again] We'll never get to the match now!
- Miss Froy: My name's Froy.
- Iris Matilda Henderson: Did you say Freud?
- Miss Froy: No. O-Y, not E-U-D. Froy.
- Iris Matilda Henderson: l'm sorry l can't hear.
- Miss Froy: Froy! lt rhymes with joy!
- Gilbert: What was she wearing? Scotch tweeds wasn't it?
- Iris Henderson: Oatmeal tweeds.
- Gilbert: I knew it had something to do with porridge.
- Iris Henderson: [Seated with Gilbert in the Foreign Office waiting area] Where are we going for our honeymoon?
- Gilbert: I don't know, somewhere quiet. Somewhere where there are no trains.
- Foreign Office Man: [Emerging from the door to an office] Mr. Campbell will see you now.
- Gilbert: [Walks toward the door with Iris, then stops] Wait a minute. It's gone!
- Iris Henderson: What's gone?
- Gilbert: Why the tune! I've forgot it!
- Iris Henderson: No, no!
- Gilbert: Wait a minute, let me concentrate.
- [sings]
- Iris Henderson: No, no, no , no, that's the Wedding March!
- Caldicott: People just don't vanish and so forth.
- Charters: She has.
- Caldicott: What?
- Charters: Vanished.
- Caldicott: Who?
- Charters: The old dame.
- Caldicott: Yes.
- Charters: Well?
- Caldicott: Well, how could she?
- Charters: What?
- Caldicott: Well, vanish.
- Charters: I don't know.
- Caldicott: That just explains my point. People don't just disappear into thin air.
- Mr. Todhunter: l won't be a party to this sort of thing. l don't believe in fighting!
- Caldicott: Pacifist, eh? Won't work, old boy. Early Christians tried it and got thrown to the lions.
- 'Mrs.' Margaret Todhunter: [having been given the choice between a double or two single rooms, Eric Todhunter has hastily chosen the two singles] You might at least have asked which one I preferred.
- Eric Todhunter: Please Margaret, a double room in a place like this?
- 'Mrs.' Margaret Todhunter: You weren't so particular in Paris last fall.
- Eric Todhunter: That was different then, the exhibition was at its height.
- 'Mrs.' Margaret Todhunter: I realise that now. There's no need to rub it in!
- Gilbert: [wearing a deerstalker and brandishing a calabash pipe] Let's marshal the facts over a pipeful of Baker Street shag.
- Iris: [Following Miss Froy back to her compartment] Thank you for looking after me when I was - well, knocked out before.
- Miss Froy: Never mind, dear. Now if I were you I'd try to get a little sleep. It'll make you feel quite well again! There's a most intriguing acrostic in the Needlewoman. I'm going to try to finish it before you wake up.
- [Watches and then smiles as Iris closes her eyes]
- Caldicott: [Listening to Miss Froy sing the tune during the shootout] The old girl has gone off her rocker!
- Hotel Manager: Everything is ready! I didn't change anything.
- Iris Matilda Henderson: Not even the sheets. We know. Lead on, Boris.
- Hotel Manager: You see, l didn't expect you to come so quickly.
- Iris Matilda Henderson: Our legs gave out on us. We had to do the last lap in a farm cart.
- Miss Froy: ln the six years l've lived here, l've grown to love the country. Especially the mountains. l sometimes think they're like very friendly neighbors. You know, the big father and mother mountains with their white snow hats. And their nephews and nieces, not quite so big, with smaller hats. Right down to the tiniest hillock without any hat at all. Well, of course, that's just my fancy.
- Miss Froy: You're very welcome to what's left of the cheese. Of course, it's not like beef steak, but, it's awfully rich in vitamins.
- Caldicott: [reading the "Herald Tribune" newspaper] Nothing but baseball. You know, we used to call it Rounders. Children play it with a rubber ball and a stick. Not a word about cricket. Americans got no sense of proportion.
- 'Mrs.' Todhunter: ln that first careless rapture of yours you said you didn't care what happens.
- Mr. Todhunter: My dear, you must think of it from my point of view. The law, like Caesar's wife, must be above all suspicion.
- 'Mrs.' Todhunter: Even when the law spends six weeks with Caesar's wife?
- Iris Matilda Henderson: You were about to tell me of your theory.
- Gilbert Redman: Oh, my theory. Well, my theory, my dear Watson, is that we are in very deep waters indeed. Thank you, very much. Let us marshal our facts over a pipeful of Baker Street shag.
- Julie: The only thing like about him is his moustache.
- Iris Matilda Henderson: You're a couple of cynics. l'm very fond of him.
- Blanche: Well, l'm fond of rabbits but they have to be kept down.
- Iris Matilda Henderson: Serve us some supper, Boris, in our room.
- Julie: I could eat a horse.
- Iris Matilda Henderson: Don't put ideas into his head. Some chicken, Boris.
- Hotel Manager: Yes.
- Iris Matilda Henderson: And a magnum of champagne.
- Hotel Manager: Certainly.
- Iris Matilda Henderson: And make it snappy.
- Blanche: Bandrika may have a dictator but tonight we're painting it red.
- Gilbert Redman: Naughty. Naughty. You know, that's a very large nose for a very small pair of spectacles!
- Iris Matilda Henderson: Where are you?
- Gilbert Redman: I'm in here with a strong smell of camphor balls.
- Gilbert Redman: You carry on keeping fit. Touch your toes. Stand on your head. Do anything! Only, whatever you do, don't fall asleep.