- Nick Charles: If the party gets rough, duck.
- Nora Charles: I'm practically under the table now, but not the way I like to be.
- Nick Charles: I got a great idea.
- Nora Charles: What is it?
- Nick Charles: Let's go home.
- Nora Charles: What's at home?
- Nick Charles: You, my pipe, my slippers.
- Nora Charles: Nickie, you're slipping.
- Nick Charles: Darling, give me my pipe, slippers & a beautiful woman... and you can keep the pipe and slippers.
- Italian Boatman: Hey, you, get out of the boat.
- Nick Charles: Who are you?
- Italian Boatman: Get out of my boat, that's who I am.
- Nick Charles: Look, how'd you like to make yourself a quick five dollars?
- Italian Boatman: Get into the boat.
- Nick Charles: I just want you to row me out to that gambling ship.
- Italian Boatman: Get out of the boat.
- Nick Charles: Twenty-five dollars.
- Italian Boatman: Get into the boat. For twenty-five dollars, I give you the boat.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: [utters impenetrable stream of jazz-cat hipster argot]
- Nick Charles: Mrs. Charles always wears her mouth open with this outfit.
- Nora Charles: [about Phyllis Talbin] Stunning jewelry. Those earrings...
- Nick Charles: [looking off in the direction of Phyllis] Very attractive!
- Nora Charles: Earrings are higher up.
- Nick Charles: You shouldn't have talked that way to my friends. They're very sensitive.
- Nora Charles: I didn't mean to hurt them. I love them. They're perfect gentlemen - right down to their fingerprints.
- Asta, the Charles' Dog: [Sniffing on the floor, while Nick searches for clues] Arrr. Arrrrrrrrrr.
- Nick Charles: What's the excitement boy? Huh? It's just a razor blade. No. No, it couldn't have been Somerset Maugham.
- Nick Charles: Where can I find this whacked-up character?
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Oh, he's been boucin' around from place-to-place, lately. You'll probably dig him in one of the jam joints.
- Nick Charles: Come again?
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Dig him in one of the jam joints! Where the boys go after closin' and really ride. Just for cats and intellectuals. The rooty-toots and bobbie soxers verboten. Solid.
- Nick Charles: Well, I don't wear bobbie soxes; but, would you say I'm a rooty-toot?
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Strictly. But, I guess I can ace you in.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: It's Fran! Fran Page, Hollis' old flame.
- Nick Charles: Unless I got my photographs mixed, she had a fire left over for Mr. Drake too.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Yeah, the 88 man grabbed her off and then he give her the Fuller.
- Nick Charles: The Fuller?
- Nora Charles: The brush. The brush.
- Mug #1: Gee, we sure get a gentrier plateau with these charity shindigs.
- Mug #2: Especially the dames. What class! What refinement! What cultured tomatoes! Hey, get a load of that one. Yoo-hoo!
- Nick Charles: [Turns around to face the mugs] Boys, boys, in polite society, we don't say, Yoo-hoo. We say Yoo-whom.
- Mug #1: Nick, hi!
- Mug #2: Hi!
- Nick Charles: You remember Mrs. Charles.
- Mug #1: Hi!
- Mug #2: Hi!
- Nora Charles: You took the words right out of my mouth.
- Fran Ledue Page: [First lines]
- [singing]
- Fran Ledue Page: You're not so easy to forget. No, you're not so easy to forget. Although I've told my heart to leave your memory alone. My heart seems to have a mind all of its own!
- Phil Orval Brant: [sarcastically] He brings sunshine into everyone's life, doesn't he.
- Fran Ledue Page: Stay out in the sunshine long enough, you get a third degree burn.
- Nick Charles Jr.: I knew Roy shouldn't have trusted that Arsenic Annie. She's a man dressed in woman's clothes.
- Nick Charles: Annie's a man?
- Nick Charles Jr.: Sure. It's a dead giveaway a dame would never pass a mirror like that without looking to see if her slip was showing.
- Nora Charles: Dame?
- Nick Charles Jr.: Well, that's what Daddy always says.
- Nick Charles: I never say dame. I always say doll - eh, dish. Well, anyway, it was a very shrewd deduction.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: No, no, no, no, no. Swinging the classics is strictly off the cars.
- Nick Charles: Taxi!
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: A gate who knows his Dodge, takes his Beethoven and his Brahms straight. You know what I mean?
- Waitress: Who gets the bone?
- Nick Charles: The prettier the bait, the better the catch.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Come again?
- Nick Charles: That's an old saying I just made up.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: I want you to meet a couple of friends of mine. Mellow Man Magee and the Missus. Hottest pump man in Memphis.
- Nick Charles: Second hottest.
- Mitchell Talbin: Do you play an instrument too?
- Nora Charles: No, I'm a mud hen, eh, a bird, a canary.
- Mitchell Talbin: A canary?
- Nora Charles: Strictly from Tennessee!
- Nick Charles: You wouldn't advance him the twelve thousand? Even though you knew Amboy was preparing a cement kimono for him?
- Nick Charles: [to Nora] You know, if this rampage of respectability persists, we'll have buy you a bullet proof girdle.
- Mug #1: Whatchu doin' at a clambake like this? You ain't detectivin', are ya?
- Nick Charles: Mrs. Charles thinks that we should cultivate some people who haven't served time.
- Musician: That reed man is really whacked up tonight.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: You'd be sportin' a whack job too if you was carryin' a torch like he's carryin' for little cookie over there.
- Nora Charles: Nicky, the police do make mistakes!
- Nick Charles: Yes, there's a cheerful thought. Just what I've been thinking.
- Nora Charles: Of course, if you were on the case...
- Nora Charles, Nick Charles: there would be no mistake.
- Nick Charles: You're positively sadistic the way you drag me to work.
- Nick Charles: Shall we go?
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Go? Oh, oh, the dust don't start risin' till deuce of bells.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Penthouse, you know. These Talbin jams are the tops! But, it's like I told you, strictly for gates and gutbusters. Hey, I tell you what, you're a slush pump man.
- Nick Charles: Come again?
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Da-da-da-da! Strictly from Memphis. And you, you're a canary. Strictly from Memphis.
- Nora Charles: Canary?
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Well, I could say you pluck a hot harp.
- Nora Charles: If Mr. Charles doesn't find that receipt, he'll be plucking a harp.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Ooo, dig that music. It sends me outta this world!
- Nick Charles: It should have sent you a little sooner.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Yeah!
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Hi ya, king pin. I see you got the old jewel flute. I heard ya breezin' it just now. Still head man, kid. Oh, come on, candy boy, don't you recognize me? This is the old Clinker. Remember how we used to belt it out at those jam sessions? Well, I just come up here to see how you feel. Well, thought there was maybe something you might want. A radio? A noisebox?
- Nora Charles: [Referring to Mrs. Talbin] Stunning jewelry. Those earrings.
- Nick Charles: [Staring at Mrs. Talbin leaving] Very attractive.
- Nora Charles: The earrings are higher up.
- Tommy Edlon Drake: If you ask me, the guy's blown his top.
- Fran Ledue Page: What do you expect after the pushing around we gave him.
- Tommy Edlon Drake: Maybe you'd like to patch things up with him.
- Fran Ledue Page: It would kind of make it convenient for you and those other dames you've been chasin' around with lately, wouldn't it?
- Tommy Edlon Drake: Oh, you've been peeking.
- Fran Ledue Page: I must have blown my top, kicking Buddy over for a road company Casanova like you.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Well, the first spot we hit is Mitch Talbin, Big band booker. Boy, they really flick the whiskers at his bakes. I, eh, brought along the old licorice stick. Of course if the reed man is already ridin', I'm nowheres.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: I'm with the Nick Charles department tonight.
- Mitchell Talbin: Nick Charles - the detective?
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Yeah.
- Mitchell Talbin: I thought you told us he was a pump man?
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Oh, I didn't want you to think I was loadin' up your jams with a bunch of squares.
- Phyllis Talbin: They were the squarest couple of hipsters I've ever seen.
- Mitchell Talbin: What are they doing in a trap like this?
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: They're lookin' for the reed. He's disappeared.
- Clarence 'Clinker' Krause: Fran, this is Mr. and Mrs. Nick Charles.
- Nick Charles: How do you do? Well, you were a, you were very jivie, a hep warbler.
- Nora Charles: Mr. Charles is a bit of a shom.
- Nick Charles: Cracked minds play funny tricks on you. And, by the same token, you can play funny tricks on cracked minds.