- Alma Parker: I didn't know you knew karate.
- Luther Heggs: Oh, yeah. I've been studying it by mail for years. My whole body's a weapon.
- Whitlow: I'm asking you a question, Heggs! Can't you curb your imagination for one minute?
- Luther Heggs: Can't you curb your tongue for a minute?
- Man in audience: Atta boy, Luther!
- Police Chief Art Fuller: I'm sorry, Mrs. Maxwell, Nicolas Simmons gave me strict orders. No one's allowed on this property.
- Halcyon Maxwell: Oh, Mr. Fuller, you don't seem to understand. We're followers. We're on the path of the occult.
- Police Chief Art Fuller: I'm afraid you won't find anything like that around here.
- Halcyon Maxwell: Oh well, it's obvious you don't understand. Our society is dedicated to contacting the other world.
- Police Chief Art Fuller: The communists?
- Halcyon Maxwell: The spiritual world!
- [Springer calls his "surprise" witness to the stand]
- Springer: Your full name, sir?
- Gaylord Patie: Gaylord Patie.
- Springer: And what is your occupation?
- Gaylord Patie: I'm a certified public accountant for the state.
- Springer: Now then, I understand that you, Mr. Patie, have heard the organ playing in the Simmons Mansion. Am I correct, sir?
- Gaylord Patie: You are. I have heard organ music coming from the tower of the Simmons Mansion on three seperate occasions.
- [gasps of awe come from the audience]
- Gaylord Patie: That's why I came to you, Mr. Springer.
- Springer: And at what time did you hear this music?
- Gaylord Patie: At the stroke of midnight.
- [more gasps of awe come from the audience]
- Springer: And what else have you heard coming from the Simmons Mansion, Mr. Patie?
- Gaylord Patie: On the first occasion, a woman's scream. And on the second and third occasions, a man's scream.
- [even more gasps of awe come from the audience]
- Springer: And what kind of screams were they, Mr. Patie?
- Gaylord Patie: Oh wild, maniacal screams.
- [audience is really excited now]
- Springer: Thank you. Your witness.
- Whitlow: [cross-examining] Mr. Patie, I understand that you're president of the Internation Conclave for Unidentified Flying Objects
- Gaylord Patie: That is correct, sir.
- Whitlow: Where was your last meeting held?
- Gaylord Patie: On Mars.
- [courtroom erupts in laughter]
- Whitlow: You really love the newspaper game, don't you, Luther?
- Luther Heggs: Yeah, I sure do. I guess if you cut me, I'd bleed ink.
- Ollie Weaver: [quoting Luther's newspaper story] The horribleness and awfulness of it will never actually be forgotten?
- Mrs. Hutchinson: I was only two blocks away that awful night, at my sister Clara's. We we sort of... listening to the organ, you know... the midnight bells were ringing... I turned to Clara and said, "Clara; the organ music sounds strange tonight!"...
- Mrs. Natalie Miller: Well... what did Clara say?
- Mrs. Hutchinson: She said, "Yes, it does!" You know Clara!
- Mrs. Natalie Miller: Well, they say there are still bloodstains on the organ keys...
- Mrs. Hutchinson: That's right; they've never been able to get them off.
- Mrs. Cobb: And they used Bon-Ami!
- Mrs. Natalie Miller: Everybody says he still comes there and plays, at midnight...
- Mrs. Cobb: Doesn't play as well as he used to!
- Suzanna Blush: It's Calver Weems! He's DEAD! He's been MURDERED!
- Luther Heggs: Well don't panic! DON'T PANIC!
- Suzanna Blush: Oh Luther! Luther! It was terrible! He was walking along the streen when: BANG! Right on the head!
- [points to 2x4]
- Suzanna Blush: With that!
- Luther Heggs: Well did you see who did it?
- Suzanna Blush: No, it was just: BANG! Right on the head! With that!
- Luther Heggs: Well I'll just get a picture of it. Lets see... f32... and it's dark, it's been rainin'... and uh... Oh for heaven's sake STAND BACK Suzanna! Stand back! Get out of the way! And for heaven's sake don't TOUCH anything! This is all EVIDENCE!
- Suzanna Blush: He was just walking down the street when: BANG! Right on the head!
- Luther Heggs: All right, I'll get a picture of the murder weapon...
- Suzanna Blush: BANG! Right on the head! I was just getting ready to brush my teeh and watch Lawrence Welk, then I looked out the window and: BANG...
- Luther Heggs: For heaven's sake Suzanna pull yourself together! I'm goin down to the Police Station! Now you get on the phone and call my editor!
- Suzanna Blush: WHO?
- Luther Heggs: George Beckett! tell him to get down to the police station as soon as possible! And for heaven's sakes, whatever you do, KEEP your HEAD!
- Herkie: [checking the Chamber of Commerce guests at the picnic] You're C of C, and you're okay. You're - hey! You're not C of C.!
- The Rotarian at picnic: I'm Rotary!
- Herkie: Get outta here!
- Milo Maxwell: Oh, I-I-I-I'm so sorry that I'm late, but we had a seance at the house last night and it ran on until all hours.
- Halcyon Maxwell: Why, this is bigger than the - than the whispering steeple in Kansas City. It's bigger than - than the headless ballet dancer in Dublin, Ireland. And it's even bigger than the day our dear Theresa received that personal message from Rudolph Valentino in Toledo.
- Luther Heggs: [after being heckled as he walks to his car] All right, you two guys! You'd just better watch it. You see these two hands? They're just as hard as steel!
- Heavyset Man at Police Station: Hey, look at him, Billy Ray. He's a karate champion! We'd better watch ourselves.
- Billy Ray Fox: Yeah, go ahead, Luther!
- Heavyset Man at Police Station: Do something!
- Luther Heggs: [chickens out] Why don't you run up an alley and holler fish!
- Nicholas Simmons: What kind of a man runs his bank at the whims of his wife?
- Milo Maxwell: Well, you-you just don't know Mrs. Maxwell.
- Nicholas Simmons: In heaven's name I've waited 20 years for this.
- Milo Maxwell: Well, she owns 51 percent of the bank's stock, for Pete's sake!
- Nicholas Simmons: Don't tell me your wife believes all that Luther Heggs hogwash!
- Milo Maxwell: With all her heart. She came home last night and vibrated for an hour!
- Luther Heggs: What are you tryin' to do? Make a fool out of me?
- Ollie Weaver: You don't need much help, Scoop.
- Mrs. Hutchinson: I never liked his eyes. So dark.
- Mrs. Cobb: His eyes were blue.
- Mrs. Hutchinson: Dark eyes!
- Mrs. Natalie Miller: Girls, really.
- Mrs. Cobb: *All* the Simmonses had the Simmons eyes.
- George Beckett: Luther, from now on, let Ollie and me run the paper and write the stories. You just keep setting the type.
- Milo Maxwell: Oh, good morning, Eileen.
- [looking at Eileen's chest]
- Milo Maxwell: My, oh, my, what a lovely sweater.
- [Eileen looks down]
- Milo Maxwell: You know, of all your sweaters, I love this one the most.
- Luther Heggs: I just love good food.
- Alma Parker: So do I.
- Luther Heggs: Do you?
- Alma Parker: Uh-huh.
- Luther Heggs: You know, you and I are a lot alike. My mother liked good food.
- Mrs. Natalie Miller: Where on earth is Luther? He'll be late for his own speech.
- Mrs. Cobb: Celebrities are never on time.
- Loretta Pine: Mrs. Maxwell! Mrs. Maxwell! The cosmic vibrations!
- Halcyon Maxwell: Coming, coming. Oh, the divine emanations from it.
- Halcyon Maxwell: You know, my group and I have always felt there's a very active spirit life in that old house.
- George Beckett: You mean, spooks?
- Halcyon Maxwell: Ohh! We prefer "manifestations."
- Luther Heggs: All right, all right, up to the organ loft! Come on, folks. Up to the organ loft. Follow me to the organ loft. The organ loft is next.
- Mayor Carlyle Preston: That name has been on every tongue. And the name of that person who's been on every tongue is none other than - and I really don't have to say it - Luther Heggs!
- Luther Heggs: Now you're apt to see some pretty frightening things, but don't panic, you're in no real personal danger. Now you ladies of the jury, stay close together. Hold hands if you wish.
- Luther Heggs: Don't bother us now, Calver. We got a murder on our hands. Calver! Calver, what are you doing here? You're dead!
- Mrs. Natalie Miller: I don't blame Luther one iota. If I'd seen someone laying in front of that spooky place, I'd think he was dead too.
- Mrs. Hutchinson: It's a murder house. I wouldn't go near there for 100.
- Mrs. Cobb: I wouldn't go near there for 200.
- Mrs. Hutchinson: Three hundred.
- Mrs. Cobb: Four.
- Mrs. Hutchinson: Five.
- Mrs. Cobb: Six.
- Mrs. Natalie Miller: Girls, girls, please.
- Mrs. Hutchinson: Anyway, it's a murder house.
- Mrs. Cobb: Murder *and* suicide. Murder and suicide.
- Kelsey: You didn't do so bad. Your pictures turned out nice. You had a good murder story going there. Only trouble was, nobody got killed.
- Kelsey: You got spunk.
- Luther Heggs: You - you know, I guess I got that from my mother. She had plenty of spunk.