- Slumber Inc. Attendant: The stiff, ehm, the deceased back there... Your brother, Mr. Franks?
- James Bond: Yes, it was.
- Slumber Inc. Attendant: I got a brudder.
- James Bond: Small world.
- Plenty O'Toole: Hi, I'm Plenty.
- James Bond: But of course you are.
- Plenty O'Toole: Plenty O'Toole.
- James Bond: Named after your father perhaps?
- [Plenty O'Toole is thrown out of the window by some goons perhaps from the 10th floor, and lands in the middle of the hotel's swimming pool]
- James Bond: [looking down] Exceptionally fine shot.
- Slumber Inc. Attendant: I didn't know there was a pool down there.
- [a couple of oil workers open a hatch down to the oil pipe, and James Bond comes up to their surprise]
- James Bond: Thank you very much. I was just out walking my RAT and seem to have lost my way...
- Blofeld: [to Bond, casually walking towards a large sharp object] Please don't get any foolish notions. that missile is not a practical weapon.
- James Bond: [confronted with two Blofelds] Well, it's hardly worth the effort. After all, I wouldn't know which one of you to kill.
- Blofeld: [Second one across bond from the first one] We appreciate your predicament, Mr. Bond
- Blofeld: [First one] We deeply sympathize.
- [Bond kicks cat, which immediately jumps to one of the two Blofelds. Bond draws his piton gun and shoots that one dead. The other Blofeld, the real one, cocks and levels a revolver at him. A second cat enters, chases away the first one, and goes to the real Blofeld]
- Blofeld: Right idea, Mr. Bond...
- James Bond: ...But wrong pussy.
- Felix Leiter: I give up. I know the diamonds are in the body, but where?
- James Bond: Alimentary, Dr. Leiter...
- [Bond tastes the Mouton Rothschild wine served]
- James Bond: The wine is quite excellent. Although for such a grand meal I would have expected a claret.
- Mr. Wint: But of course. Unfortunately our cellar is poorly stocked with clarets.
- James Bond: Mouton Rothschild IS a claret. And, I've smelled that aftershave before, and both times - I've smelled a rat.
- Sir Donald Munger: Tell me, Commander, how far does your expertise extend into the field of diamonds?
- James Bond: Well, hardest substance found in nature, they cut glass, suggests marriage, I suppose it replaced the dog as the girl's best friend. That's about it.
- M: Refreshing to hear that there is one subject you're not an expert on!
- James Bond: Weren't you a blonde when I came in?
- Tiffany Case: Could be.
- James Bond: I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette.
- Tiffany Case: Which do you prefer?
- James Bond: Well, as long as the collar and cuffs match.
- Tiffany Case: We'll talk about that later.
- [while fumbling inside the pipeline, Bond sees a rat]
- James Bond: Well, one of us smells like a tart's handkerchief.
- James Bond: [sniffs] I'm afraid it's me. Sorry, old boy.
- [Tiffany Case opens the door almost nude]
- James Bond: That's quite a nice little nothing you're almost wearing. I approve.
- Tiffany Case: I don't dress for the hired help. Let's see your passport, Franks.
- [Bond gives her his passport. She looks it over]
- Tiffany Case: Occupation: Transport Consultant? It's a little cute isn't it? I'll finish dressing.
- James Bond: Oh, please don't, not on my account.
- [Bond sees Saxby gunned down after trying to assassinate Willard Whyte]
- James Bond: Saxby!
- Willard Whyte: BERT Saxby?
- James Bond: Yeah.
- Willard Whyte: Tell him he's fired!
- [a knock on the door; Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, posing as host and a steward, brings into the couple's suite a romantic dinner]
- James Bond: [puzzled] There must be some mistake. I didn't order any...
- Mr. Wint: No mistake, sir. On specific instructions and with the complements of Mr. Willard Whyte: Oysters Andaluz, Shashlik, Tidbits, Prime rib au jus, Salade Utopia...
- [Mr. Kidd sets the timer for the bomb in the fake La Bombe Surprise]
- Mr. Wint: ...and for dessert, the pièce de résistance...
- [Mr. Kidd shows the fake dessert]
- Mr. Wint: La Bombe Surprise.
- Tiffany Case: Mmm! That's looks fantastic. What's in it?
- Mr. Wint: Ah, but then there would be no surprise, Madame.
- James Bond: Good morning, gentlemen. ACME pollution inspection. We're cleaning up the world, we thought this was a suitable starting point.
- James Bond: Anyone seeing you in that outfit, Moneypenny, would most certainly be discouraged from leaving the country. What can I bring you back from Holland?
- Miss Moneypenny: A diamond? In a ring?
- James Bond: Would you settle for a tulip?
- Miss Moneypenny: [Bond leaves; she sighs longingly] Yes!
- Bambi: [seductively] I'm "Bambi."
- Thumper: And I am "Thumper." Is there something we can do for you?
- James Bond: I can think of several things, off hand...
- James Bond: What do you intend to do with those diamonds?
- Blofeld: An excellent question. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon. If I were to break the news to anyone it would be to you first, Mr Bond, you know that.
- M: Star of South Africa. 83.5 carats rough. 47.5 carats cut. The Akbar Shah. 116 carats rough. Are you paying attention 007?
- James Bond: The Akbar Shah. 116 carats rough.
- Shady Tree: How do you like me so far? People say I have the body of Rock Hudson. If he ever finds out what I'm doin' to it - he'll be madder than hell.
- [to Tiffany, as he turns the lights out and gets in bed with her]
- James Bond: Presumably I'm the condemned man and obviously you're the hearty breakfast.
- [first lines]
- James Bond: [tossing Japanese man around] Where is he? I shan't ask you politely next time. Where is Blofeld?
- Japanese Agent: Cai... Cai... Cairo!
- James Bond: [Plenty O'Toole enters Bond's hotel room] Well, if you'd like to come in, Plenty.
- Plenty O'Toole: Oh, how pretty, what a super place you have!
- James Bond: Mmm...
- [Plenty kisses him; Bond unzips her purple satin dress and it falls from her, leaving her almost completely naked except for her purple high heels and her transparent pink panties]
- Plenty O'Toole: [holding up a finger, moving back] Just give me one second, lover.
- [she walks into the bedroom]
- James Bond: [Bond picks up her dress and tosses it onto a couch. He turns on a lamp and finds a goon pointing a gun at him] Good evening.
- [other lights come on, revealing another goon, also pointing a gun at him]
- James Bond: Well, I'm afraid you've caught me with more than my hands up.
- Plenty O'Toole: [being forced out of the bedroom by a third goon, her arms folded across her chest protectively] Hey, what the hell is this? A pervert's convention or something?
- [the other goons come over and pick her up, carrying her over to the window]
- Plenty O'Toole: Now listen, you can't do this to me! Stop that! I've got friends in this town!
- [she is thrown out of the window and lands in the pool]
- Blofeld: Well go on, go on, it's merely a lift. Or should I say elevator? In any event I'm sure you'll find it far more convenient than mountaineering about outside the Whyte House.
- Tiffany Case: [while Q is playing the slot machines, winning big every time] Hi there, Mr. Q. Are you having any luck?
- Q: I'm being somewhat successful, thank you.
- [as Bond, still incognito as Peter Franks, removes his underwear to seduce Tiffany]
- Tiffany Case: Why, Peter, there's much more to you than I imagined!
- Marie: Who are you?
- James Bond: My name is Bond, James Bond.
- Marie: Is there something I can do for you?
- James Bond: Yes, as a matter of fact, there is. There's something I'd like you to get off your chest.
- [Pulls off her bikini top and wraps it around her neck]
- James Bond: Where is Ernst Stavro Blofeld? Speak up, darling, I can't hear you.
- James Bond: [playing craps] I'll take the full odds on the ten, two hundred on the hard way, the limit on all the numbers, two hundred and fifty on the eleven. Thank you very much.
- Plenty O'Toole: Say, you played this game before.
- James Bond: Just once.
- James Bond: Tiffany Case? Definitely distinctive.
- Tiffany Case: I was born there, on the first floor, while my mother was looking for a wedding ring.
- James Bond: Well, I'm glad for your sake it wasn't Van Cleef & Arpels.
- Blofeld: The satellite is at present over... Kansas. Well, if we destroy Kansas the world may not hear about it for years. Perhaps New York, with all that smut and traffic... might give them a chance for a fresh start. Washington, DC. Perfect. Since we have not heard from them, *they* will hear from us.
- Tiffany Case: [reading Bond's ID card planted on the deceased Franks] My God! You just killed James Bond!
- James Bond: Is that who it was? Well just goes to show, no one's indestructible.
- [James Bond is lucky with the dice while gambling]
- Plenty O'Toole: You handle those cubes like a monkey handles coconuts.
- Blofeld: Tiffany, my dear. We're showing a bit more *cheek* than usual, aren't we?
- [Tiffany takes the cassette out from her bottom and hands it to Blofeld]
- Blofeld: [to the guards] Take her below and lock her up with Mr. Bond.
- [the guards take her to a cell]
- Blofeld: What a pity, such nice cheeks too. If only they were brains.
- [referring to the cassette]
- Blofeld: Destroy this, Metz.
- [Plenty O'Toole is found face down in a swimming pool]
- Tiffany Case: She's...
- James Bond: Dead. Supposed to be you. The next link in the "pipeline".
- Tiffany Case: What are you talking about?
- James Bond: Poor Plenty must have stumbled in here looking for you.
- Tiffany Case: I don't believe you!
- James Bond: A dentist is dead in South Africa. That little old lady in Amsterdam. Shady got his last night. They've missed me once. And you're next. Now, who's your connection?
- Tiffany Case: You sound like a cop to me...
- [Slaps her]
- James Bond: Who's your connection?
- Tiffany Case: All I know, his voice is on a phone. They got me this place and told me to wait for further instructions.
- James Bond: You'll find that rather difficult to hear underwater.
- [last lines]
- Tiffany Case: Oh, James.
- James Bond: Oh, yes. What were you about to ask me?
- Tiffany Case: James, how the hell do we get those diamonds down again?
- Blofeld: [to Bond] As La Rochefoucauld observed, "humility is the worst form of conceit." I do hold the winning hand. Why don't you let me take you on a little tour of our facilities. Your chance to see the real tape once again.
- Tiffany Case: Can I tag along Ernst?
- Blofeld: I'd put something on over that bikini, first, my dear. I've come to far to have the aim of my crew affected by the sight of a pretty body.
- Tiffany Case: Listen, you can drop me off at the next corner. This whole thing is getting a little out of hand. No regrets, but when you start stealing moon machines from Willard Whyte, GOOD bye and GOOD Luck!
- James Bond: Just relax, I have a friend named Felix who can fix anything.
- Tiffany Case: Is he married?
- [after being pulled over by the sherriff]
- Tiffany Case: [sarcastically] Relax, you've got a friend named Felix who can fix anything.
- James Bond: Unfortunately, so can Willard Whyte.
- Blofeld: Good evening, Mr Bond.
- James Bond: Blofeld?
- Blofeld Double: Good evening, 007.
- Blofeld: Double jeopardy, Mr Bond.
- Blofeld Double: You killed my only other double, I'm afraid. After his death, volunteers were understandably... rather scarce.
- Blofeld: Such a pity. All that time and energy wasted, simply to provide you with one mock, heroic moment.
- Sideshow Barker: Here, for the first time, see Zambora. Strangest girl ever born to live. She was captured near Nairobi, South Africa. And is believed to be of a cruel, inhuman experiment. This beautiful girl will be locked into a steel cage, right in front of your eyes, will change very slowly into a ferocious 450 pound gorilla.
- James Bond: And, eh, that's all there is to it?
- Thumper: Not quite. First, we're going to have a ball!
- [Knees Bond in the crotch]
- [Bond has shoved a tape in the rear end of Tiffany's bikini bottom]
- James Bond: Bitch. Your problems are all behind you now.
- James Bond: Pity about your liver, sir. Unusually fine Solera. '51, I believe.
- M: There is no year for sherry, 007.
- James Bond: I was referring to the original vintage on which the sherry is based, sir. 1851, unmistakable.
- Sir Donald Munger: Precisely.