- Evil: God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!
- Robert: Slugs.
- Evil: Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
- Kevin: Yes, why does there have to be evil?
- Supreme Being: I think it has something to do with free will.
- Supreme Being: I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, more shrubs, that sort of thing... with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time.
- Randall: Oh, thank you, sir.
- Supreme Being: Yes, well, I am the nice one.
- Supreme Being: Is it all ready? Right. Come on then. Back to creation. We mustn't waste any more time. They'll think I've lost control again and put it all down to evolution.
- Robin Hood: The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?
- Randall: Who?
- Robin Hood: The poor.
- Randall: The poor?
- Robin Hood: Oh you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because they're poor.
- Evil: When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding.
- Robert: Uh, understanding of what, Master?
- Evil: Digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being!
- Robin Hood: And you're a robber too. How long have you been a robber?
- Strutter: Four foot one.
- Robin Hood: Good lord! Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?
- Kevin: I don't understand. What's so special about that map?
- Randall: Well, this map, Kevin, used to belong to the Supreme Being.
- Kevin: You mean you stole it?
- Randall: Oh, no- well, sort of. Y'see, he used to be our employer. He made all the big stuff like Good and Evil, men and women, night and day, and we did trees and shrubs. We helped make all this.
- Kevin: Whew! That's not bad.
- Randall: Yeah. But did we get a thimble full of credit for it? No! All we got was the sack, just for creating the Pink Bunkadoo.
- Kevin: Pink Bunkadoo?
- Randall: Yeah. Beautiful trees that was. Og designed it, didn't you?
- [Og nods]
- Randall: Yeah. 600 feet high, bright red, and smelled terrible. Well, as a disciplinary measure, we were sent down to the repairs department.
- Kevin: What?
- Randall: [Hushed] Y'see, to be quite frank, Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of a botch job, you see; we only had seven days to make it. And that's where this comes in; this is the only map of all the holes! Well, why repair them? Why not use 'em to get stinkin' rich?
- Wally: Yeah, stinkin' rich!
- [Holds up a bottle]
- Wally: Lads, here's to stinkin' rich!
- Wally: Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time?
- Supreme Being: Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being, I'm not entirely dim...
- Kevin: I'll never get the chance to meet Robin Hood again.
- Randall: Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man, unbalanced if you ask me. Giving away what isn't even his!
- Kevin: That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that.
- Randall: Of course, you know it all.
- Kevin: He was one of my heroes.
- Randall: Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?
- Supreme Being: Do be careful! Don't lose any of that stuff. That's concentrated evil. One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs.
- [tossing out a fishing net]
- Winston the Ogre: There used to be a time when you could be sure of catching old boots, cans, hat racks, boxes. Now it's prawns all the bloody time.
- [the gang is confronted by Kevin, who they think is the Supreme Being]
- Randall: Heh heh. We can explain everything, sir. It's not as bad as it looks. We... We just borrows the map and... Sort of got rather happy about it and... Ran off in high spirits.
- [They laugh]
- Kevin: Who are you?
- Strutter: That's not Him.
- Fidgit: That didn't sound like Him, did it?
- Wally: It doesn't even look like Him!
- Strutter: It isn't him!
- Randall: Let's get him!
- [They all pounce on Kevin]
- Randall: Strutter, get his torch! Shine it right in the face.
- [Strutter shines the torch full in Randall's face]
- Randall: His face, dummy!
- Robin Hood: Here we are, madam. Congratulations. Well done. Congratulations.
- [Redgrave belts the lady]
- Robin Hood: Is that absolutely necessary?
- Redgrave: [Gibberish]
- Robin Hood: What did he say?
- Marion: He said yes, he's afraid it is.
- Robin Hood: Ah, fine.
- [from trailer - One man has supposedly been reading the trailer script, while the director has been correcting him. Now the frustrated director interrupts again]
- Trailer director: What about the plot?
- Trailer reader: The what?
- Trailer director: The plot. What the film is about.
- Trailer reader: Well I haven't *seen* it, have I?
- Trailer director: Haven't seen it? You're sitting there telling millions of people to go and see a film you haven't even *seen*?
- Trailer reader: Well, I can't see every film I do, now can I?
- Trailer director: Oh, wonderful! Terrific! Look, give me that!
- Trailer reader: What're you doing?
- Trailer director: Taking over! You're out! O-U-T! Finished! Kaput! Finito!
- Trailer reader: But what about the trailer?
- Trailer director: *I'll* do it!
- [clears throat]
- Trailer director: Time Bandits is an awfully good film. We have worked ever so hard on it. It's a tremendous adventure story. We like it, and we're pretty sure you will.
- Trailer reader: [snickers]
- Trailer director: What's wrong with it? It's direct. Punchy. Honest.
- Trailer reader: *Honest?*
- [laughs]
- Trailer reader: Honest shmonest! What's that got to do with anything?
- [the trailer ends]
- Robin Hood: [loudly and cheerfully, saying goodbye to the Time Bandits] Thank you very much! Thank you very much. Thank you very very very VERY much!
- Robin Hood: [quietly, to his men] What awful people.
- Evil: What sort of Supreme Being created such riffraff? Is this not the workings of a complete incompetent?
- Baxi Brazilia III: But He created you, Evil One.
- Evil: What did you say?
- Baxi Brazilia III: Well He created you, so He can't be entirely...
- Evil: [Blows Baxi to bits] Never talk to me like that again! No one created me! I am Evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. *I* am all powerful!
- Cartwright: But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress?
- [Evil blows him up]
- Evil: That's a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?
- Robert: Because you...
- Evil: Shut up, I'm speaking rhetorically.
- [from trailer]
- [the following is heard over various scenes from the film]
- Trailer reader: Remember my voice? I do trailers. All kinds of trailers. One day they'll put me in a film - the proper full-length job - until then I'm just stuck with this sort of stuff. "Go and see this," "don't miss that," "the most terrifying thing you ever saw is coming to baby-sit for you tonight."
- Trailer director: Alright, cut it there. Look, just read what's on the script, will you?
- Trailer reader: The what?
- Trailer director: The script! Other way up!
- Trailer reader: Ah!
- [clears throat]
- Trailer reader: Ready?
- Trailer director: Yes. Yes.
- Trailer reader: You flocked to see Brief Encounters for the special effe...
- Trailer director: "Close"!
- Trailer reader: Huh? Oh, "Close Encounters"
- Trailer director: Close Encounters! The film.
- Trailer reader: Oh, I never saw that.
- Trailer director: Well forget that film, we're on about *our* film. Time Bandits.
- Trailer reader: What?
- Trailer director: Time Bandits! The one you are supposed to be promoting! Remember?
- Trailer reader: [clears his throat again] You flocked to see Close Encounters for the special effects. You went to Superman to see a man fly. You went to Star Wars for the droids. You went...
- Trailer director: Now what?
- Trailer reader: Where's page 2, man?
- Trailer director: It's under page 1! See?
- Trailer reader: [mumbling to himself] ... you went to Star Wars...
- [finds his place]
- Trailer reader: Time Bandits can offer you much, much more. It's not the special effects, nor flying men, nor droids which makes Time Bandits a unique cinematique... cinema...
- Trailer director: "Cinematic"! You know, pertaining to the cinema!
- Trailer reader: ...cinematic experience. It's the make-up. Yes, folks, you've never seen anything like it: men made up to look like monsters! Monsters made up to look like men! Look-alike men made up to look different, different men made up to look alike! No expense has been pared... spared on the pan-shtick... pan-stick... No expense has been spared flying in the world's greatest make-up men...
- Trailer director: Just a minute, just a minute. What about the plot?
- Trailer reader: The what?
- Supreme Being: Oh, I do hate appearing that way, it's an entirely noisy manifestation. Still, rather expected of one, I suppose.
- Kevin: I'd like to stay.
- Robin Hood: Jolly good! What's your name?
- Kevin: Ke...
- [Is pulled away by Randall]
- Robin Hood: Ke? What a jolly nice name. Well never mind, cheerio! Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very much.
- [Under his breath]
- Robin Hood: Awful people.
- Vincent: Pansy! I can explain! It's only the thing on my nose and the hair piece. Everything else is fine!
- Robin Hood: Hello, I'm Hood.
- Hood's Assistant: Say good morning, you scum!
- Time Bandits: Good morning, Scum.
- Kevin's Mother: Honestly, Trevor, if you were half a man you would've gone in there after the blender.
- Robin Hood: Oh yes and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor, aren't they Redgrave?
- Redgrave: [Gibberish]
- Robin Hood: You see- what did he say?
- Marion: He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all.
- Vincent: Pansy, look at me.
- Pansy: Yes, Vincent.
- Vincent: Do you... do you... love me?
- Pansy: Of course I love you.
- Vincent: You... you don't mind the thing... on my... on my nose...
- Pansy: Oh you mean your...
- Vincent: Yes, my...
- Pansy: No, darling... of course I don't mind...
- Vincent: You could get used to have a chap around the house with a... with a... with a damn thing on his nose.
- Pansy: Of course, my love. Everyone has something odd about them. Why I've got an enormous...
- Vincent: Pansy!
- Kevin's Father: You must wait for your food to go down.
- Kevin: I haven't eaten any food.
- Kevin's Mother: Well you must eat your food.
- Kevin's Father: And then wait for it to go down.
- [the Ogres have caught the Time Bandits and Kevin in their fishing net]
- Mrs. Ogre: Aren't they lovely? We can have them for breakfast.
- Winston the Ogre: You mean eat their boots?
- Mrs. Ogre: No dear, I mean eat *all* of them. Every little bit.