Porky's (1981)
Boyd Gaines: Coach Brackett
Photos
Quotes
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Balbricker : [1:07:15] Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who...
Mr. Carter : [abrupt] Miss Balbricker!
Balbricker : Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again
[a murmur of mirth rises from several occupants]
Balbricker : . Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.
[pause]
Balbricker : [irritably] Well, what are you gonna do about it?
[Carter hums and hars]
Mr. Carter : Err
[finally speaks]
Mr. Carter : Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker.
[sighs]
Mr. Carter : Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal.
Balbricker : We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment
[Carter repeats "Hoods" in disbelief]
Balbricker : . Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That
[pause]
Balbricker : tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it.
Mr. Carter : Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... aaa... their... yaha...
[composes himself]
Mr. Carter : their private parts
[now firmly]
Mr. Carter : for an incriminating mole?
Balbricker : But Mr. Carter.
Coach Brakett : [stops stifling his giggling and speaks up] Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists.
[Carter rolls his eyes]
Coach Brakett : And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... "Have you seen this prick?
[Carter struggles not to grin]
Coach Brakett : Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous.
[falls off his chair]
Coach Brakett : It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."
[everyone including Carter falls about laughing in hysterics as an enraged Balbricker storms out in a fury]
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Coach Brakett : [Walks up on the gang while Ted and Brian are away from the gang talking about his plan for revenge against Porky] Count me in.
Tommy Turner : [Sees him] You could get fired, Coach.
Coach Brakett : Are you kidding? I gotta be the worst coach that ever lived.
[They all laugh]
Coach Brakett : I'm long gone after this semester, anyway. And don't call me Coach anymore. Call me Roy. I'm only 23 for Christ sake.
Tommy Turner : You look much older.
Coach Brakett : Why don't you go and sit on a snake, Turner.
[Tommy laughs; Roy shows the kids a scar on his head]
Coach Brakett : You see this? Porky gave me that about 6 years ago. I always wanted a shot at that mutha. I'd feed him his nuts for lunch.
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Coach Brakett : She's a virgin.
Coach Goodenough : Yeah, and the Pope's Jewish.
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Coach Brakett : That's angel food cake. You touch her and the Food and Drug Administration will get ya for fucking food.
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Coach Brakett : [regarding Miss Honeywell] Oh boy, would I like to get next to that.
Coach Warren : Ah yes, Lassie.
Coach Brakett : Lassie?
Coach Warren : Patience my boy, patience.
Coach Brakett : Why do they call her Lassie?
Coach Warren : Why do you think?
Coach Brakett : I dunno.
Coach Warren : Awooooooo.
Coach Brakett : You callin' her a dog? That's angel food cake.
Coach Warren : Well, what can I tell ya?
Coach Brakett : You can tell me why they call her Lassie.
Coach Warren : Just get her up in the equipment room, and you'll find out. But beware of King Kong.
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Balbricker : [Sees Miss Honeywell and Coach Brackett in the stairwell as she is about to come down] Miss Honeywell, do you mind?
Honeywell : [Quietly but sarcastically] Do I mind what?
Balbricker : [as she starts down the stairs past them] It's disgusting! The two of you... squirming around like a pair of eels in heat. You're a disgrace.
Honeywell : [Getting in her face] Yeah? Well, it's certainly better than stomping and waddling around like a frigid hippopotamus, Beulah!
Balbricker : [Hissing] What did you call me?
Honeywell : [drawing each word out] Beulah. Beulah Ball-breaker.
Balbricker : [Yelling] Who do you think you're talking to?
Honeywell : [Voice slowly increasing in volume] Well, if I heard a hurdy-gurdy playing, I'd think I was talking to the fat lady in the circus, but as it stands I guess I'm talking to a bunch of bad news named Beulah, Beulah, BEULAH!
Coach Brakett : [Gets up] Look, ladies...
Honeywell : [Both she and Balbricker push him back down; without even looking at him] You butt out!
Balbricker : [pause, then] Moral turpitude.
Honeywell : What?
Balbricker : [Louder] Moral turpitude! Read your contract, Miss Honeywell! I'll have you fired for moral turpitude!
[she walks off smirking]
Honeywell : [as Balbricker continues down the stairs] You can take your moral turpitude and shove it up the old yazoo, Beulah!
Coach Brakett : [Stands up, concerned] Gee, Lynn, I don't know... moral turpitude...
Honeywell : Oh, come on.
[Runs upstairs pulling him by the hand, making him stumble up with her]