- Mr. Matheson: [Eating custard with Vera's pus squirted in it] Damn fine custard. Rich and creamy, just the way I like it!
- Guide: You've got... *the bite*!
- Stewart: [the guide reaches for a machete] There's some Dettol in the Jeep...
- Father McGruder: Lionel, despite being deprived of his father at an early age, was blessed with an abundance of motherlove.
- [Mum's hand smashes through her coffin lid and tries to strangle Lionel]
- Roger: You know what they are saying about you don't you? You've got funny in the head! A real bloody weirdo!
- [Seconds before being devoured by zombies]
- Intellectual: Some of my best friends are pedophiles!
- Zoo Keeper: Story goes, these great big rats come scuttling off the slave ships and raped all the little tree monkeys. The natives use them in black magic rituals. Don't ask me how, probably suck the blood of virgins, eh, eh?
- Uncle Les: Christ! What a stink!
- Lionel Cosgrove: Uh... yeah. A dog must have uh, crawled under the house and died.
- Uncle Les: She's history! I know what to do, I've read the comics! Total... bodily... dismemberment!
- [to two housewives, after beating up Baby Selwyn in a public park and stuffing him into a duffel bag]
- Lionel Cosgrove: Hyperactive!
- [the Sumatran rat monkey bites Mum, and she crushes it with the heel of her stiletto]
- Zoo Keeper: Holy shit!
- Mum: Look at this! It bit me. I've been savaged! And my dress!
- Uncle Les: [Wielding a knife and a cleaver and faced with a horde of zombies] Step right up you greebo bastards!
- [after Lionel crashes into the church hugging his mother's 'corpse']
- Nora Matheson: He was always dreadfully attached to Vera.
- Father McGruder: Well I've seen some displays of grief in my day, but nothing quite like that.
- Mum: There's a beetle. Under the fridge! Horrid little creature scuttled right in front of me! I though I told you spray this house! The place is infested with vermin.