- Tutti Bomowski: Stop! Stop that man, Joe. Stop that man!
- [Joe tackles the man]
- Tutti Bomowski: Joe, now I remember what he did?
- Joe Brofmowski: What did he do?
- Tutti Bomowski: He shot his mother.
- [after giving Joe the gift of a an illegal MAC-10 machine pistol]
- Tutti Bomowski: I wanted it to be a surprise!
- Joe Brofmowski: [stunned/horrified] It is!
- Tutti: For now you can keep your pants on, Mister Parnell. But just remember one thing: I'll be back!
- Joe Brofmowski: Mom, what're you doing here?
- Tutti Bomowski: I've got to change you.
- Joe Brofmowski: [looks down and realizes he's wearing a diaper] Mommy! I don't want to be changed.
- Tutti Bomowski: [holding up oversized Huggies diapers and baby powder] I've got to change you.
- Gwen Harper: I can change you!
- Tutti Bomowski, Gwen Harper: Change you... change you... change you...
- Joe Brofmowski: [terrified, firing gun in the air] WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME?
- Tutti Bomowski: [singing softly and contentedly as she sloshes and scrubs Joe's prized .45 in the dishpan] This is the way we wash our gun... wash our gun... wash our gun...
- Ross: [to Joe] Is there anything else you or your *mother* would like to tell me?
- Tutti Bomowski: Yes, Detective, there is. Both my son and I think you're an asshole!
- Tutti Bomowski: [to the flight attendants] It was so cute, when he was 6 years old he walked into the kitchen and said "Mommy! My peepee's stuck in my zipper!"
- Joe Brofmowski: Mom, I don't like eggs.
- Tutti Bomowski: If you don't eat them now, they'll be waiting here for you at dinner.
- Joe Brofmowski: Why didn't you answer when I called?
- Tutti Bomowski: That was you? You never called.
- Joe Brofmowski: That was me, why didn't you pick up the phone?
- Tutti Bomowski: Every year when I'm about to come out to visit, you call and say it's not a good time, so I decided not to answer the phone this time in case you called.
- Tutti Bomowski: [haggling over automatic machine gun] Do you want to stand out here all week dreaming of a thousand dollars?