Grumpy Old Men (1993)
Jack Lemmon: John Gustafson
Photos
Quotes
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John Gustafson : You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.
Grandpa Gustafson : I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?
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Max Goldman : Good morning, dickhead.
John Gustafson : Hello, moron.
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Max Goldman : You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.
John Gustafson : Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.
Max Goldman : She was to me.
John Gustafson : I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!
Max Goldman : She was to me.
John Gustafson : Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!
Max Goldman : She was the best.
John Gustafson : Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!
Max Goldman : Yeah!
John Gustafson : Yeah.
Max Goldman : What?
John Gustafson : What?
Max Goldman : Huh?
John Gustafson : Huh?
John Gustafson : What...?
[Both forget what they were arguing about]
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John Gustafson : [Bragging about his sexual escapades] I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.
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Max Goldman : John! John! Are you dead?
John Gustafson : Not yet. But I don't want to die looking at your ugly face.
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Max Goldman : Hey Gustafson, your cat crapped on my steps again.
John Gustafson : Yeah, who says you can't train a cat?
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Ariel Truax : [John is showing Ariel some family pictures] And these two little guys?
John Gustafson : Oh! That's me and the moron.
Ariel Truax : Is that Max?
John Gustafson : Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he?
Ariel Truax : Aw, you mean you were friends?
John Gustafson : I was 10, and didn't know any better.
Ariel Truax : What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting?
John Gustafson : Oh? Guess.
Ariel Truax : A woman!
[John nods]
Ariel Truax : How romantic.
John Gustafson : No, it wasn't romantic at all.
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Max Goldman : You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson : Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman : You bet.
John Gustafson : Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman : Dead! Died on impact!
John Gustafson : Jacob, moron, Jacob!
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John Gustafson : I hit the cans again!
Chuck : I heard. How is the Grinch today?
John Gustafson : Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.
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John Gustafson : [heading to the bedroom with Ariel] Wait a minute. I'm not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do "safe sex".
Ariel Truax : John, when was the last time you made love?
John Gustafson : October 4th...
[Ariel raises her eyebrows]
John Gustafson : ... 1978.
Ariel Truax : Oh, I think we're safe.
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Max Goldman : Did you win the Lottery Dickhead?
John Gustafson : Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?
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Max Goldman : Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?
John Gustafson : Just mind your own business, will ya?
Max Goldman : Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.
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John Gustafson : Moron!
Max Goldman : Putz!
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Grandpa Gustafson : [speaking of Ariel] Did you mount her?
John Gustafson : [disgusted] Oh, *Dad*!
Grandpa Gustafson : Wait, wait. Has she got big thighs?
John Gustafson : [thinking] No.
Grandpa Gustafson : No? Then what's the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I'd be mounting - every woman in Wabasha.
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John Gustafson : We did the horizontal mambo.
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John Gustafson : Ohh you don't know a damn things about me...
Ariel Truax : I do too! And I also know the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take.
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Ariel Truax : Gay or straight?
John Gustafson : Huh?
Ariel Truax : Heterosexual or homosexual?
John Gustafson : Geez Louise!
Ariel Truax : Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question.
John Gustafson : Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Who-ho-ho-ho!
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Ariel Truax : All the ideas that you brought to those young minds.
John Gustafson : Yeah, but kids, they think they know it all, right?
Ariel Truax : Oh, once in a while you reach one. You touch them somehow.
John Gustafson : I did that once.
Ariel Truax : Really?
John Gustafson : It was my Roosevelt's New Deal lecture. I touched a kid in the back of the head while he was snoring.
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John Gustafson : ...very interesting woman.
Jacob : Sounds like a wacko to me.
John Gustafson : I haven't had sex for fifteen years.
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John Gustafson : Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?
Max Goldman : Hypothermia's a bitch. Not quick like a stroke.
John Gustafson : A stroke is no good. You could end up like a vegetable. Give me a cardiac any day.
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Ariel Truax : I do so love bathrooms. You know, you can tell an awful lot about a person from his bathroom. Did you know that?
John Gustafson : No. I didn't know that. There's a guest bathroom...
Ariel Truax : Oh, there it is! I can't wait I find in there. You know, it's better than having a palm-read. You give me 30 seconds in a person's bathroom and I will give you a complete and accurate profile.
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John Gustafson : I've had a lot on my mind lately.
Grandpa Gustafson : I'll tell you what's on my mind. It's butt-cold out here and I'm fresh out of beer.
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Chuck : Can I get something for ya?
John Gustafson : Yeah. I need a six-pack of Schmidt and I'm out of bait.
Chuck : Shiners or wax worms?
John Gustafson : Oh, Hell, I can't afford those damn shiners, give me wax worms.
Chuck : The wax worms are 75 cents.
John Gustafson : 75 cents? Crime in Italy. Chuck, we're talking about worms not caviar.
Chuck : You go through that *every* time. Now, where you think you're going to get worms this time of year? It's supply and demand.
John Gustafson : You could retire in Florida just from selling me worms.