- [Alice has just split her pants open, revealing her underwear while on a secret spy mission]
- Alice: I need assistance. I'm exposed.
- Earl Unger: I can't tell you how much I appreciate you hitting me with the minivan.
- Burton Jernigan: Never let your emotions get the best of you. You weren't paying attention. You should have been more vigilant.
- Earl Unger: You should've taken driver's ed. I'm gonna have bad knees when I'm old and I'll have Burton Jernigan to thank.
- Burton Jernigan: [Jernigan has been hit in the groin by Alice with a crowbar when she tried to get Alex's pet rat, Doris] You... smacked my winkie.
- Alice: Well, if you changed your shorts once in a while, maybe you wouldn't have rats in your pants!
- Alice: You got hit with a book?
- Earl Unger: Books, plural. A trunk full of books. Then a set of weights. I got hit twice, you dumb broad!
- Peter Beaupre: [as he sneaks into the mailslot of Alex's house] You can run, but you can't hide, Junior!
- Alex: Surprise!
- [Beaupre screams while Alex sprays black paint over his eyes]
- Burton Jernigan: Unger. What's your position?
- Earl Unger: Heading to Washington Street.
- Burton Jernigan: I didn't copy. Where?
- Earl Unger: I said, I'm heading to Wuh-ah-ah-ah...
- [Jernigan hits Unger while driving]
- Earl Unger: Stop, you nitwit!
- [the car stops and Unger screams, then collapses into the snow]
- Molly: [pushing the office door closed to stop Agent Stuckey] The 'it' you're referring to, is my little brother!
- [Alex is hiding in the closet and Mr. Unger tries to unlock the door]
- Earl Unger: I'm coming for you, shorty, to pay you back for all the misery you caused me.
- Alice: Mr. Unger, what are you doing?
- Earl Unger: He's in the closet. Scaring him a little, just before I grab him. And behind door number one!
- [Mr. Unger opens the closet door and Alex just disappeared]
- Earl Unger: Towels.
- Burton Jernigan: Hmph.
- Earl Unger: I saw this door close.
- Alice: Idiot.
- Earl Unger: Would I make it up? Why? What's the point? We working on commission here?
- Alex: [calls out to the crooks] You're not gonna find me up there, you big, dumb, law-breaking knuckle-heads!
- Earl Unger, Alice, Burton Jernigan: He's outside!
- Alex: [holds the chip] Recognize this?
- [while Beaupre, Unger, Jernigan and Alice are sitting at the dinner table, they discuss their plans to steal Alex's toy car]
- Earl Unger: Tomorrow, whack every kid in the neighborhood. Burn them all!
- [the other three "spies" all stare at him]
- Earl Unger: Then look for that stupid car.
- Peter Beaupre: My thoughts keep turning to number 3026. It's within the operating radius of the toy car. It's in sight of all the houses I've been in.
- Peter Beaupre: You are dead, kid.
- [opens closet door, only to get punched in the crotch with a boxing glove]
- Karen Pruitt: You get in that bed, young man.
- Alex: Excuse me, but I saw a man in Karen Stephan's bedroom. A white male, a little older than Dad, and he was wearing butt inspection gloves.
- Karen Pruitt: I have warned you about that telescope. You look through it long enough, you're gonna start seeing things, whether or not they're there.
- Alex: Well, I guess you have to be 35 before anyone around here listens to you!
- Karen Pruitt: Don't get smart with me, Alex! Sick or not, I am very angry with you. You caused a lot of trouble today. Dad and I have to replace a door at the Stephans'. Do you think we're happy about that?
- Alex: I saw what I saw!
- Alex: There's a senior citizen across the street who needs some soup and a doctor to look at her feet. There's two guys in our pool and a woman in our basement. The other one's gone.
- Agent Stuckey: [shows Alex the picture of Beaupre] Is this him?
- Alex: Yep.
- Agent Stuckey: For seven years, we've been after this guy. He always manages to slip away. Thanks.
- [Mr. Unger and Mr. Jernigan meet Beaupre, who just found Alex's toy car, at the Alcott's house]
- Burton Jernigan: It's a video camera. Someone's onto us.
- Earl Unger: Do you think this really matters? Chip's in the car. We're at the airport in 45 minutes.
- Peter Beaupre: Where's Alice?
- Alice: [as she pushes a baby stroller to the Alcott's shed] What happened?
- Peter Beaupre: There's a woman in the house. I'll go back in and deal with her. Get the chip.
- [Beaupre then hands Alice the car]
- Alex: Heads up!
- [unleashes booby trap that releases dumbbells on two criminals]
- Peter Beaupre: How did that happen?
- Earl Unger: I don't know.
- Alex: [donging is heard] Ouch.
- Peter Beaupre: There are 14 houses. The toy car must be in one of them. We're going have to search them all. We'll come back when it's light.
- Earl Unger: We're gonna work houses in broad daylight?
- Peter Beaupre: It's the suburbs, Mr. Unger. Nobody's home during the day.
- Police Captain: Son, this is the 2nd time in 2 days that you've called the police. It's a very serious matter when a person calls the police.
- Alex: I saw a burglar yesterday and I saw a burglar today.
- Karen Pruitt: Alex, listen to the chief.
- Police Captain: There was no one in that house.
- Alex: What about Johnny Allen's dog? I talked to Johnny last night. His dog was kidnapped after Monday morning.
- Police Captain: Did he see it happen?
- Karen Pruitt: Alex, apologize to the chief and go up to your room.
- Alex: [sarcastically] Excuse me for being a good citizen.
- Karen Pruitt: Alex, I'm very sorry. This will not happen again, will it honey?
- Alex: [Looking at a hand drawn map of the neighbourhood with Doris the rat] First the Stephans', then Mrs Hess. I agree, Doris - the next stop is the Alcotts' house. What kind of a burglar goes into a house and doesn't take anything? Do you know what I think? I think they're looking for something special, and they're looking in everybody's house because they don't know who has it. The question is, what is it?
- [Lies back on his bed. The toy car is next to him]
- Peter Beaupre: Well... It's Alex, isn't it? Today you learned something, there is a price to be paid for being a good citizen. In your zeal to aid your neighbor, you finally step into one of my traps.
- [takes toy car and takes it apart, only to find nothing, and drops them to the floor, then yells at Alex in Polish]
- Alex: Can Mrs. Hess go inside? She's very old and very cold. Please?
- Peter Beaupre: [takes bag and spills out everything, then grabs Alex and sits him on the shelf] Give me the chip!
- Alex: It doesn't belong to you. It's not yours.
- Peter Beaupre: [takes out gun and points it at Alex] The chip, son. Give me the chip.
- Alex: [sees Beaupre's gun and smirks] And that doesn't belong to you either.
- Peter Beaupre: What?
- Alex: That's not your gun.
- [Beaupre shoots, out a dart from the gun, and Alex takes out another gun]
- Alex: This is your gun.
- [Alex points his gun at Beaupre, then scares him away]
- Alex: Gotcha.
- [Alex's gun is revealed to be his bubble gun]
- Alex Pruitt: Have you ever had the chickenpox?
- Mrs. Hess: I had the chickenpox when Herbert Hoover was in the White House.