- Henry Clark: Do you know what your problem is?
- Mr. Mersault: No, what's my problem?
- Henry Clark: You live here. You're jaded. What you need is a fresh perspective from an outsider from say Ooo-hio! Because you have forgotten just how amazing this city is. I have had more experiences in this city than many people who have lived here their whole lives. I mean, I met colorful characters. I've taken a breathtaking cab ride through Central Park. I climbed to the top of a luxury hotel. Not in the elevator, actually on the hotel. And then, I fell - in love with my wife all over again at Tavern on the Green, on the actual green itself. And - and then I had *sex* in front of the Mayor! I mean, where else can something like this happen? Only in New York!
- Mr. Mersault: What did you just say?
- Henry Clark: You mean the whole thing or the tag line for your new campaign, "Only In New York"? Which, incidentally, I copyrighted just before I came up here, along with the visual of the Statue of Liberty giving the high five to a family of tourists.
- Bill: Oh, this guy's very good.
- Henry Clark: Can I have a doughnut?
- Henry Clark: Were we nuts?
- Nancy Clark: Well, we just got lost in our essence.
- Henry Clark: There's cops everywhere, we have to lay low for a while. There's something I never thought I'd hear myself say.
- Henry Clark: You want to know what my version of marrow-sucking is?
- Nancy Clark: What?
- Henry Clark: It's being with you. That's how I suck.
- Lost Baggage Clerk: Where are you staying in the Boston area?
- Henry Clark: In the Boston area we are staying in New York.
- Henry Clark: Look, Alan, you're going abroad for the first time. You're gonna be in a foreign country. You might even, you know, go to Amsterdam. And, you know, just - just - European women are different.
- Alan Clark: How do you know?
- Henry Clark: James Bond films, mostly.
- Nancy Clark: I thought you hated New York.
- Henry Clark: I only hated New York when it was hip to hate New York. Now it's not hip to hate it anymore, so I don't hate it. I'm in advertising. I'm weak and I follow the crowd.
- Nancy Clark: Honey, I want to get to the hotel. How do we get there?
- Henry Clark: That's very simple. You see, the streets of New York are laid out on a rigid grid.
- Nancy Clark: Yeah, like somebody else I know.
- Sheena: I would love to sleep with you, Henry. I find failure very erotic. Or success. Doesn't matter.
- Dr. Faber: So your problem is lack of sex. Tell us more.
- Henry Clark: You know something? We're from Ohio and we really don't discuss sex in public. It's sort of our state motto.
- Edward: I'd like to start off by letting everyone know how much your support has meant to me. As you know, I've been masturbating up to 17 times a day.
- Mr. Mersault: Mrs. Wellstone, I just love those shoes. Don't break my heart and tell me they're not real leopard.
- Nancy Clark: Embrace life! I want to live! I want to feel useful! I want to explore and experience! I - I want to suck the *marrow* out of life, Henry! What do you want?
- Henry Clark: Well, I - I definitely want to do some marrow-sucking.
- Nancy Clark: You were fired? I don't believe it! Not only do I hear it for the first time, but I hear it in front of a bunch of perverts? Oh, God! How could you not tell me?
- Henry Clark: Hey, you lied to me about Susan.
- Nancy Clark: It wasn't really a lie. It was an incremental accumulation of half truths.
- Henry Clark: Oh, really. Well, then mine wasn't a lie, either. It was spin.
- Henry Clark: I'm not getting this job. Not without a shave and a clean suit and a good night's sleep. By tomorrow morning, I'm gonna look like Keith Richards.
- Mr. Mersault: How was Monte Carlo?
- Mrs. Wellstone: Oh, it would not stop raining.
- Mr. Mersault: Damn the French!
- Greg: Some women might find this kind of scenario a little intimidating.
- Nancy Clark: Oh, I don't find this scenario intimidating. I find it kind of, um, dangerous in an erotic sense.
- Greg: Oh, I love the way you put words together.
- Nancy Clark: Well, I've always been good with my mouth.
- Henry Clark: I barely recognized you. You were so animalistic. You were so hedonistic. You were so naughty.
- Nancy Clark: Oh, you're so sweet, honey.
- Nancy Clark: Oh, Henry, you know me. When I'm hungry, I'll seduce anyone.
- Henry Clark: Oh, well that's comforting.
- Mr. Mersault: [singing] Bad girls, Talking 'bout the sad girl, Sad girl, Talking 'bout bad, bad girls, yeah...
- Henry Clark: You might think we're insignificant out-of-towners from Ohio, but I happen to know what our rights are.
- Greg: Hey! Hey, you're the manager, right? Hello! You checked me in! Let me tell you something. Norman Bates could do a better job of running this hotel than you could.
- Mr. Mersault: Oh! All right, all right. Don't get your knickers in a twist. Look. Can't a girl have some fun? I could've danced all night.
- Henry Clark: My wife and I give you our oath we will not bear witness. Nancy, tell them we will not bear witness.
- Nancy Clark: No, we will not bear witness. We don't know how to bear witness.
- Nancy Clark: They're chasing us!
- Henry Clark: "Public fornication" won't look good on my resume.
- Nancy Clark: Oh, Henry, I got grass - grass - grass in my ass.
- Nancy Clark: I need bail money at the 15th Precinct, and I need it here right now. And bring some muffins!
- Sergeant Jordan: Lady, give me a break, okay?
- Nancy Clark: Give you a break? Give *you* a break? Hey! Let me share something with you. In the last 24 hours, I have been rerouted, mugged, evicted, chased by a dog, kidnapped, chased by a horse, and seen in a compromising position by the Mayor. I just found out that my daughter is spending us into the poorhouse and that my husband has no job. I'm angry, I'm tired, and I'm hungry, and I'm running with the wolves! And right now, I am one crazy bitch from Ohio! So why don't you give me a break!
- Mr. Mersault: Mrs. Clark, let me explain. If you are a paying guest at this hotel, I fawn, I grovel. I am, in fact, your very plaything. But if you're not a guest, you do not exist.
- Receptionist: [on the phone] It's permanent. You never have to wax again... Of course it hurts. Oh, it is so totally worth it. I mean, what, with global warming, you're gonna be in a bathing suit all year long.
- Paul: Gimme a break, okay?
- Henry Clark: Give you a break? Give you a break? Hey! Listen. In the past 24 hours, I have destroyed a car, been thrown out of a hotel, forced to reveal my most intimate secrets to a group of nymphomaniacs and masturbators, watched my wife seduce a man for dinner, threatened with divorce, arrested for public urination, and drugged by Jacko, my new prison pal. I have a house, and a mortgage, and a son in college, and a daughter in the theater. And I'm one of those nice, quiet Midwestern guys that no one expects to snap, but when we do, watch it, baby!
- Mr. Mersault: Such a good idea to get a head start to the airport. Visit those fine shops. Get to know a Hare Krishna, perhaps.
- [last lines]
- Mr. Mersault: Isn't the theater magical? What?
- Nancy Clark: Are those my earrings?
- Mr. Mersault: Bravo! Bravo!