Intolerable Cruelty (2003)
Richard Jenkins: Freddy Bender
Quotes
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Freddy Bender : Objection, Your Honor: strangling the witness.
Judge Marva Munson : I'm going to allow it.
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Miles Massey : Were there any other specifications?
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : [in outrageous French accent] She spe-cif-i-cated a silly man.
Freddy Bender : Objection, Your Honor!
Judge Marva Munson : I'm going to allow it.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : She spe-cif-i-cated a man who, though clever at making money, would be easily duped and controlled.
Freddy Bender : Objection, Your Honor!
Miles Massey : Shut up, Freddy. She's allowing it.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : She spe-cif-i-cated a man with a wandering pee-pee. How you say? A philanderer whose affairs would be transparent to the world.
Freddy Bender : Objection, Your Honor!
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Finally, a man whom she could herself brazenly cuckold until such time as she might choose to, uh - We would say, "faire un coup de marteau sur des fesses." You would say, "make hammer on his fanny."
Freddy Bender : Your Honor, objection! I-Irrelevant!
Judge Marva Munson : I'm going to allow it!
Miles Massey : Tell us, Baron - Did you introduce her to such a man?
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Sir, I am the concierge!
Miles Massey : And to whom did you introduce that calculating woman?
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : I introduced her...
[points to Rex Rexroth]
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : to that silly man.
Freddy Bender : Your Honor, objection!
Miles Massey : Let the record show that the Baron has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!
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Miles Massey : All right, so much for the ice-breakers. What are you after, Freddy?
[takes a drink of water]
Freddy Bender : My client is prepared to settle for 50 percent of the marital assets.
[Miles spits out some water]
Miles Massey : Why only 50, Freddy? Why not a hundred? While we're dreaming, why not 150? Are you familiar with "Kershner"?
Freddy Bender : "Kershner" does not apply.
Miles Massey : Bring this to trial, we'll see if "Kershner" applies.
Rex : What's "Kershner"?
Miles Massey : Please, let me handle this.
Freddy Bender : "Kershner" was in Kentucky.
Miles Massey : "Kershner" was in Kentucky?
Freddy Bender : "Kershner" was in Kentucky.
Miles Massey : All right, Freddy, forget "Kershner". What's your bottom line?
Freddy Bender : Primary residence, 30 percent of remaining assets.
Miles Massey : What, are you nuts? Have you forgotten "Kershner"?
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Miles Massey : I guess, something inside of me died, when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.
Marylin Rexroth : Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.
Freddy Bender : No. Both of you wait a minute. Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.
Wrigley : Hear, hear.
Freddy Bender : Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house.
Wrigley : Miles's house.
Freddy Bender : Whatever. A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.
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Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : [in outrageous French accent] She said she wanted a very rich husband. She wanted to know the businesses and the wealths-s - the wealths-s-s - Can I say this? Wealths of our various eligible guests.
Miles Massey : And did she have any other specifications?
Freddy Bender : Objection, Your Honor. Inflammatory.
Miles Massey : What's good for the gander, Your Honor.
Freddy Bender : Is this a legal argument - What's good for the gander?
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Miles Massey : "Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard, they make no battery..." Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?
Freddy Bender : Objection, your honor.
Judge Marva Munson : Grounds?
Freddy Bender : Uh... poetry recitation.
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Freddy Bender : If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it.
Miles Massey : Well, at this point, my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation.
Freddy Bender : My client's ruled that out.
Miles Massey : My client is prepared to entertain an amicable dissolution to the marriage without prejudice.
Freddy Bender : That's a fart in a stiff wind.
Miles Massey : My client proposes a 30-day cooling-off period.
Freddy Bender : My client feels sufficiently dispassionate.
Miles Massey : My client asks that you not initiate proceedings pending his setting certain affairs in order.
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Miles Massey : Your Honor, I call Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.
Bailiff : Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.
Guard #1 : Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!
Guard #2 : Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!
Guard #3 : Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!
Freddy Bender : Problem?
Marylin Rexroth : Puffy.
Guard #4 : Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!
Wrigley : Tenzing Norgay.
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Miles Massey : A husband? That's an unusual request. Did she specify what kind of a husband she was looking for?
Freddy Bender : Objection!
Judge Marva Munson : Grounds?
Freddy Bender : Uh... Hearsay.
Miles Massey : On second hand, Your Honor, this is direct testimony about the Baron's own conversation.
Judge Marva Munson : I'm going to allow it.
Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : She said she wanted a very rich husband. She wanted to know the businesses and the wealthses... wealthses... can I say it... wealthses of our various eligible guests.