A Fish Tale (2000)

Jeff Pace: Fly

Quotes 

• Fly : [chasing Joe in the water pipes as he escapes with the antidote]  Wait! Wait, come-come back, you-you stupid fish!

  Joe : [coldly]  I'm sufficiently intelligent enough to kill you... if you don't stop bothering me.

  Fly : So what? Any brute could do that. But can you tell me what the square root of... 6,561 is?

  Joe : [stammers]  Uh, 300 divided by 40, minus 3 is... .

  [he turns to drink more of the antidote and develops a swollen head] 

  Joe : Ah! 81!

  Fly : Yeah! But do you know what happens if an object travels at the speed of light?

  Joe : [drinks more of the antidote and sprouts spines, legs and arms, and tears his pelvic fins off]  Ah! It turns into pure energy!

  Fly : What came first, the-the chicken or the egg?

  Joe : [drinks more of the antidote and grows in size, grows hair and longer limbs, now resembling a fish-human]  It depends on the relative amount of molecules in the universe!

  Fly : What happens to a fish if he drinks too much antidote?

  Joe : It... becomes...

  [wheezes for breath] 

  Joe : HUMAN!

  Fly : [coyly]  Can a human breathe underwater?

  Joe : OF COURSE NOT!

  [he realizes he can no longer breathe underwater and drowns, sucked away by the pipe's current] 

• [first lines] 

  Fly : [skateboarding down the hall]  Yee-haw! Going fishing!

• Fly : [trying to take back the potion from Joe]  I'm convinced your words are true.

  Joe : Who's this?

  Fly : Please let me follow you.

  Joe : What a nice young fish.

  Fly : I'll hold the bottle, too.

  Joe : Oh no, that won't be necessary.

  Fly : I insist, just let me hold it.

  Joe : [crossly]  The bottle stays with me.

  Fly : Just let me have a little sip.

  Chuck : No Fly, no! We're at the bottom of the sea, you'll drown!

  Joe : Hmm... arrest them!

• Fly : [Fly and his friends are trapped in a cage with a crab guarding them]  Hey, you! Crab!

  The Crab : It's against military regulations for a guard to converse with prisoners!

  Fly : You are one poor excuse for a soldier, buddy. Pretty wimpy.

  The Crab : Whaddaya mean wimpy?

  Fly : A soldier is disciplined, brave, and above all, strong.

  The Crab : What?

  Fly : [standing in front of cage bar]  Well, for starters, I bet your pathetic claw can't even put a dent in this iron bar.

  The Crab : Oh yeah? Check this out! Watching?

  Fly : Yeah.

  The Crab : Ready?

  Fly : Yeah, yeah!

  The Crab : [gets ready to cut cage, but hesitates]  Nah, too easy.

  Fly : [points to another bar]  Wait, wait, what about this one?

  The Crab : Trivial!

  Fly : No no, this is the perfect test for your strength. We're talking one hundred percent titanium here.

  [the crab decides to snap the key instead] 

  Fly : No, not-not the key!

• Bus Driver : [driving a larger fish as a bus and addressing another fish]  That will be two clams and five stones, madam.

  Fly : [gathers a few clams and gives them to the driver]  Here: keep the change.

  Bus Driver : [clears his throat]  Just a second! These are not valid.

  Fly : Not valid?

  Bus Driver : You'll have to get off.

  Fly : W-what? Chuck, give me your glasses.

  [to driver, handing him the lenses of the glasses] 

  Fly : Here, then; have these Transatlantic, Transpacific, worldwide, oceanic-approved deluxe coins.

  Bus Driver : Very well, then. Here are the tickets.

  Fly : Hold on. Uh, these two

  [gesturing to Stella and Sasha] 

  Fly : are less than six years of age. They ride for free.

  Bus Driver : Oh. Yes. Of course,

  [hands Fly back one lens] 

  Bus Driver : here's a refund.

  Fly : [gesturing to Chuck]  And this poor fellow is half-blind.

  Bus Driver : Well...

  Fly : It's not fair that he should pay full price.

  Bus Driver : I-I-I-I suppose that's...

  Fly : And while we're at it, could we sell back the tickets we don't need?

  Bus Driver : Uh, well, um...

  [Fly gives back the unneeded tickets] 

  Bus Driver : Next time, have exact change!

  Chuck : [to Fly]  And what would have happened if it *didn't* work, genius?