Bo' Selecta! (2002–2004)

Leigh Francis: Various Characters, Avid Merrion, Craig David, Mel B, Michael Jackson, The Bear, Jimmy Carr, Kelly Osbourne, Morrissey

Quotes 

• Avid Merrion : Hello to you. My name is Avid Merrion. I am number one celabrity superfan here in the world. This is my programme, I hope you like it, it is warm.

• Michael Jackson : Kiss my bad self motherfucker cha'mone!

• Reporter : So, David what's the latest on your transfer?

  David Beckham : It's not a transfer! It's a real tattoo and it says, "My Name is David"! Huh-huh!

• Craig David : Ya wot, Kes? Don't call her that, Kes! She's not a slag, she's me mum!

• Kelly Osbourne : [on Christina Aguilera]  She's one of the most disgusting people in the world! Sure, she had an amazing voice, but that doesn't change the fact she's a total

  [bleep] 

  Kelly Osbourne : ! I mean she looks like a

  [bleeping] 

  Kelly Osbourne : drag queen! Right dad?

  Ozzy Osbourne : You're all

  [bleeping] 

  Ozzy Osbourne : mad!

  Kelly Osbourne : Not me, I'm just slightly overweight.

  Ozzy Osbourne : [mutters]  Fat bitch.

• David Blaine : Later on I'll be milking beer from a cow, keep watching!

• David Blaine : As a kid I would spend many hours in my bedroom jerking off to pictures of beautiful women. Now I can make actual beautiful women appear in my bedroom by using the magic. Shazam!

• Craig David : Channel 55 and a box of tissues, that's what I use for my sexual issues.

• Gandalf the White : Thou shall not pass! Unless you can do a handstand for your grandfather!

• Mary Jane : Do you love me?

  Peter Parker : Um...

  Mary Jane : Do you love me

  [starts to unbutton shirt] 

  Peter Parker : Er...

  Mary Jane : [shows chest]  Do you love *these*?

  Peter Parker : Ooh!

• Marilyn Manson : This is the living room, where I like to relax and sometimes stick my penis between my legs and pretend I'm a lady.