- Phil Gordon: Even Jesus wouldn't bet all of his chips on a Jack-three!
- Dave Foley: Or, well, if he did, by the time the cards hit the table they'd be different.
- Phil Gordon: [stands up] I'll read the chip count if you can put your hand on the top of my head.
- Dave Foley: [looks at Phil's crotch, which is eye level with him] Which one?
- Kevin Nealon: You do any voice-over work, Robert?
- Robert Thompson: No, but can you give me some?
- Kevin Nealon: Nope.
- Robert Thompson: Okay.
- Dave Foley: Okay, why don't we see how the chips are stacking.
- Phil Gordon: Ask nicely.
- Dave Foley: Would you please do a chip count?
- Phil Gordon: Okay.
- Travis Tritt: [using smokless tobacco] Just remember, nobody has ever died from secondhand spit.
- Wanda Sykes: They will if they spit on the wrong motherfucker.