The Gamers: Dorkness Rising (2008)
Nathan Rice: Sir Osric, Lodge
Photos
Quotes
-
Luster : This flask is now full of holy water. Tell us what we want to know... or I'll give you a bath!
Drazuul : Your threat's empty. A paladin cannot stand by while torture takes place.
[Luster looks over at Sir Osric]
Sir Osric : [sighs] My, what fine yet rustic architecture. I think I will examine it more closely.
-
Brother Silence : He who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blind. But he who... sticks out in darkness... is... fluorescent!
[beat]
Lodge : Lose fifty experience.
-
Lodge : [narrating] Flynn is alone with the Grimmoire.
Leo : I stab it! Wait! I BACKSTAB it!
Cass : Good call.
Lodge : Y-y-you can't backstab it! You can't *sneak-attack* an inanimate object!
Leo : Why not? It's PRONE!
Lodge : It doesn't have a discernible anatomy!
Leo : It's got a SPINE! Doesn't it?
[Leo rolls a fumble, causing Flynn to stab himself]
Leo : [in shock] Bards suck.
Lodge : That... was unprecedented, Leo.
-
Flynn the Fine : [singing] Dear Goblin friends, dear Goblin friends, please hear my song...
[Flynn gets shot with arrows by the Goblins]
Lodge : [rolls] Yeah. Yeah, you're dead.
Gary : [holds stopwatch] At 29 minutes, 42 seconds. New personal best, Leo.
Leo : There are so many places I could put that stopwatch!
-
Gary : I'm a wild mage. WILD! But you losers can call me "sorceress". That's right. I'm playing a chick.
Leo : Dude, you hot?
Gary : Seventeen charisma.
Leo : Wanna have sex?
Gary : Totally.
Leo : Great! I seduce him, uh her.
[Leo rolls his die]
Leo : Yes! I can totally seduce any homophobe with that roll!
Lodge : We *haven't* started yet. You guys *haven't* met!
-
Flynn the Fine : What is that heavenly music?
Priestess : The Hymn to Therin. It calls to our goddess.
Leo : [voice-over] I seduce the priestess!
Lodge : [voice-over] She's taken a vow of celibacy!
Leo : [voice-over] Dude, 20 ranks in seduction!
Flynn the Fine : [to priestess] Hey, baby. Wanna tune my mandolin?
[rolls and the priestess and Flynn leave the room]
Daphne : [to Hierophant] Please understand the horny Bard does not represent us.
-
Gary : [voice-over] What is that?
Lodge : [voice-over] The Heart of Therin. Legend has it the gem is composed of solid light.
Gary : [voice-over] Can I steal it?
Lodge : [voice-over] Well, considering it is one of the holiest symbols of the church and that the cathedral is swarming with paladins, that would most likely be suicide. Go right ahead.
-
[after donning the Mask of Death, Mort Kemnon easily brushes off the party's attacks]
Mort Kemnon : Surely you can do better.
Brother Silence : As you wish.
[Brother Silence suddenly pulls out a shotgun and cocks it]
Lodge : [voice-over] What the fu-!
Cass : [voice-over] It's from the trunk.
-
Lodge : I am never gonna finish this frecking module!
Mark : Party die again?
Lodge : They don't try anything new and then they blame *me* when they die. Ungrateful munchkins. I'm really kinda pissed off.
Mark : This has nothing to do with your writer's block.
Lodge : I do not have writer's block! I know exactly how the story ends. I just... don't know how to get there.
Mark : Obviously neither do your players.
Lodge : How am I supposed to write a module based on an adventure if we *never* finish the adventure?
Mark : Just run 'em through it until they win... or your head explodes.
Lodge : [sigh] We're gonna start all over again once we have a few more players.
[pause]
Lodge : Mark! Why don't you join? You used to game all the time in college.
Mark : I haven't gamed since... the Incident.
Lodge : [confused] Total party wipeout?
Mark : Like you can't even imagine.
Lodge : [Cass walks up] Hey, Cass.
Cass : Lodge. Mark! Haven't seen you in a long time. It's like I forget you even exist.
Mark : Yeah, I get that a lot.
-
[after Sir Osric has looked away so Drazuul could be tortured]
Flynn the Fine : Total waffle for the paladin!
Sir Osric : [sad] I feel dirty.
-
Lodge : You can't use a lightsaber! It... it's not even the right system!
Cass : I see no lightsaber. That would be a copyright infringement. I see a psionic spirit blade.
Lodge : You do not have my permission to use that in my campaign!
Cass : Fine! Then you do not have *my* permission to use *my* old character!
-
Cass : [as Silence and Luster are being taken by a Death Demon] Why don't I get a save?
Lodge : It's a Death Demon. It's fear aura is too strong. You *can't* roll a successful save.
Cass : Incorrect.
Lodge : What's your willpower save?
Cass : Plue nine.
Lodge : The DC to beat his aura is 32. You would need to role a 23, on a twenty-sided die in order to succeed. Now, I don't have a math degree. But that's impossible.
Cass : [holds up his d20] A natural twenty is an automatic success no matter the circumstances.
Lodge : You still have only a five percent chance of rolling that twenty.
Cass : Can I make the roll? I mean it's in the rules. Or is it okay if we play by the rules?
[Cass rolls his d20 and it lands on a one: automatic failure]
Lodge : Ooooooohhh! Oh, fumble! That means you're *completely* compelled and *I* get to control your character until you snap out of it!
[Cass angrily gives Lodge his character sheet]
Lodge : Since we're playing by the rules, I know you don't mind.
Cass : Oh, shut up, Kevin.
-
The Inquisitor : Hail, Flynn the Fine.
Flynn the Fine : Hail, random creepy knight guy.
Lodge : [voice-over] Dumbass, bardic knowledge.
Flynn the Fine : Oh, yeah, right! You are totally...
Lodge : [voice-over] The Lord High Inquisitor...
Flynn the Fine : The Lord High Inquisitor...
Lodge : [voice-over] ... of the Grand Illuminated Holy Order of Therin.
Flynn the Fine : [pause] What he said! Hail.
-
Lodge : Story trumps Rules.
