- Tommy Solomon: [Tommy enters the room with his hair cut short] Hey, guys!
- Sally Solomon: Who are you?
- Tommy Solomon: It's me, Tommy.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: You can't be Tommy. Tommy looks like a girl.
- Tommy Solomon: I went to Mega Cuts.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: If you're Tommy, answer me this. Are we or are we not aliens?
- Tommy Solomon: Yeah, Dick. We are.
- Harry Solomon: Tommy!
- Dr. Mary Albright: You and your family. I know you mean well, but sometimes it's like being around the Addams Family.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, I admit John Adams' views of a strong central government may have been ahead of their time.
- Dr. Mary Albright: That's not who I meant!
- Dr. Dick Solomon: John *Quincy* Adams? You're comparing me to that freak show?
- [August tosses a coke can in the trash]
- Harry Solomon: Hey, don't throw that away!
- [Harry takes the can out of the trash]
- August: Oh, why? Do you recycle?
- Harry Solomon: No, I'm trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the world's biggest can collection.
- August: How many do you have?
- Harry Solomon: So far... just the one.
- Harry Solomon: Hey, I've seen this before. This is stain-resistant carpet, watch.
- [Harry pours the entire contents of a coke can on the carpet and wipes it with his foot, but nothing happens]
- Harry Solomon: That's a good place for a chair.
- Sally Solomon: It says here the average American uses 4.1 pounds of butter a year.
- Tommy Solomon: Orally?
- Tommy Solomon: Statistically, at least one of us should be divorced by now.
- Harry Solomon: Oooh! Can I have that one?
- Tommy Solomon: And 10% of us should be gay.
- [everyone looks at Harry]
- Harry Solomon: That's not why we got divorced.
- Sally Solomon: [Sally drinks from a carton of milk and spits it out]
- Sally Solomon: Tommy, see if this milk's gone bad.
- August: Not now, we're doing a report on our family's history.
- August: Okay, my family came to America in 1852 on a Dutch schooner. How about yours?
- Tommy Solomon: Well, um, my great-grandfather, uh... escaped from the Nazis through the Alps with his family and their singing nanny.
- August: Uh, Tommy?
- Tommy Solomon: Yeah?
- August: That's 'The Sound of Music'.
- Tommy Solomon: Yeah, I know. And don't think that we're not suing!
- [Dick enters the office, soaking wet]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Damn that Channel 9 weatherman!
- Dr. Mary Albright: What? It's not raining outside.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: No, I cut through his yard and the sprinklers went off.
- [Nina enters and sees that Dick is wet]
- Nina Campbell: Car wash again?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Do you see any soap?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: [Dick is beginning to realise that his experiment to normalise his family - and become less "weird" - has failed] This was a mistake. Becoming more average didn't make us more human, it made us less.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: [Nina finds Dick packing up all his bizarre knick-knacks as he has decided to become the 'average' American] Just have them haul all this away.
- Nina Campbell: Are you sure?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Yes, Nina, I'm sure.
- Nina Campbell: It's just that you're acting kinda strange.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Me? Strange? I'm textbook normal. If anyone is strange, it's you. You exercise too much, you drive a stick shift, you drink root beer. Oh, and you're black.
- Nina Campbell: What's strange about being black?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Let's face it, Nina. Most white people aren't.
- Nina Campbell: But they want to be.