Are You Being Served? (TV Series)
His and Her's (1973)
Trevor Bannister: Mr. Lucas
Photos
Quotes
-
[Mr. Lucas is interrupting a salesgirl's tape-recorded sales pitch with a radio]
Female voice on tape : Don't move, you man you. Cover your body with me. You're sophisticated and dangerous. You're slightly aloof...
Mr. Lucas : Bald as a coot with only one tooth.
[Later]
Male voice on tape : Stay just where you are. Don't move a muscle.
Mr. Lucas : She's wearing a tin bra and starch in her bustle.
Male voice on tape : If you want a real "he-man," you'll find I'm a killer.
Mr. Lucas : With a face like yours, you'll end up with Guy the Gorilla.
-
Mr. Ernest Grainger : I shall take no part in it!
Mr. Lucas : Ha, ha! Mutiny on the counter!
Captain Peacock : Now, come, come, Mr. Grainger, that's not like you.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Well, even in the French Revolution, the victims weren't expected to chop off their own heads.
Captain Peacock : I'm sure it won't come to that, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Nevertheless, my staff will not cooperate in the outfitting of that stand.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : I'm behind you, Mr. Grainger.
Mr. Lucas : And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries. Yes, unless Captain Peacock says I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries. In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.
-
Mr. Lucas : That must be the salesgirl from His and Her's. She's a bit of a turn-on, isn't she?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : That's all you think about.
[points to his head]
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : It's all up here, you know.
Mr. Lucas : Not one hundred percent, it's not.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Who is that young lady engaging Captain Peacock in conversation?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : It's the girl from His and Her's.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Oh. Oh, then I think we'd better ignore her.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Lucas is trying, but he's not doing very well at the moment.
Mr. Lucas : Just my luck isn't it, for a bird like that to sail into my life on a Thursday? Look at that! One lousy quid. Where can you take a bird like that on one quid?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : You can buy her six penneth of worms, and take her for a walk along the canal bank with your bent pin.
-
Mr. Lucas : Old Peacock's chatting her up a bit, isn't he? Look at him. Look at him.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well he's probably hoping she goes for the father figure.
Mr. Lucas : Yeah. More like the grandfather figure.
-
Mr. Ernest Grainger : I think you'll find that will fall into your shape, Sir. And don't worry about the sleeves. They'll ride up with wear.
Mr. Lucas : And don't worry about the color being too bright. It will wash out in the rain.
-
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Are you being served, Sir?
Second Customer : It's all right, thanks. Just looking.
Mr. Lucas : That's all I've had this morning. - Four "just lookings", three "no thank you's" and two "where's the gents"?
-
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, I was just having a chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr Grainger. But I am free, aren't I, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas : Oh, yes, you're free, Mr. Humphries.
-
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr. Lucas : Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Grainger was just observing the young lady on the centre stand and was wondering what's on the cards.
Mr. Lucas : Well, at his time of life, very little, I should think.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : The print, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas : Ah, yes.
[reads]
Mr. Lucas : "With every bottle of His perfume you purchase, you get a free tie".
-
Mr. Ernest Grainger : "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Lucas : I beg your pardon, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Grainger's quoting from "Henry II", when he wanted to bump off Beckett.
Miss Shirley Brahms : Oh, not my nice Mr. Beckett from Hardware?
Mrs. Betty Slocombe : No, no, no. Mr. Grainger played Beckett in Grace Brothers' production of "Murder In The Cathedral".
Mr. Lucas : I'm sorry I missed that.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Mr. Grainger was very good, in spite of his gammy leg.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : He fell of the cathedral steps, and Mr. Rumbold and the lads had to murder him in the front row of the stalls.
Mr. Ernest Grainger : It was a very good round of applause.
Miss Shirley Brahms : [about Miss French] Are you suggesting then that we should stab her in the staff canteen?
-
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Please, please, please! Let's marshal all our facts, and find out precisely why this young lady left. Now, first of all, whose finger was it on the button that ruined the tape?
Captain Peacock : Well, it was my finger, but it...
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : No, no, no, no. Just the facts. Now, how did the other voice come into it?
Mr. Lucas : Well, I was talking through my hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Could you be more explicit?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, there was a microphone in his hat, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : I see. Why?
Mr. Lucas : Ah, well... You see, Mr. Grainger said, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Did you say that, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Well, actually, Henry the Second said it.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Perhaps I can explain. It wasn't Mr. Grainger who said it in the play, it was Becket. You remember, Mr. Rumbold, he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : That's why he got such a good round of applause.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Now, I may be dense... but has the play got to do with this girl leaving?
Mr. Lucas : Ah, well, you see, Mr. Grainger drew our attention to the fact that Henry the Second wanted to get rid of Becket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Becket?
Miss Shirley Brahms : Not Beckett from Hardware, no.
-
Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Mr. Granger's trousers are missing, and so is the central display stand.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : I noticed as soon as I came in, didn't I, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Lucas : Oh yes you did, Mr. Humphries. Yes, "My goodness," you said, "it's gone!" you said. "What?" I said. "Mr. Grainger's center display stand," you said. "Oh dear!" I said. "My goodness, Mr. Grainger will have a fit when he sees it," you said.
[Mr. Granger walks in, gasping with shock]
Mr. Lucas : And you were right.