Barney Miller (TV Series)
Hair (1975)
Hal Linden: Capt. Barney Miller
Quotes
-
Detective Paul Gardeno : [after Barney asked him to shave off his large beard] Cute, ain't I? Clean cut. Charming. Now when I bust some punk in the street and I say, "Freeze! I'm a police officer", he's gonna look at me and laugh, and say "Ha ha ha, look at that kid". Then he'll pull out a piece and blow my keister off.
Barney Miller : Don't be ridiculous.
Detective Paul Gardeno : Freeze! I'm a police officer.
Yemana : Ha ha ha.
-
Detective Paul Gardeno : I just wanna do my job. I don't wanna shave.
Barney Miller : What's the matter, you got a skin condition?
Detective Paul Gardeno : If necessary.
Barney Miller : And the earring?
Detective Paul Gardeno : I'm engaged.
Barney Miller : You go home, shave, put on a clean shirt, break your engagement, and report back to me.
Detective Paul Gardeno : What about my transfer?
Barney Miller : What the hell for? They'll just send you to somebody who's not nearly as sweet as I am.
-
Yemana : You know those cute little Japanese dolls that you rub on the belly for luck?
Barney Miller : Yeah.
Yemana : I'm taking one out to dinner tonight.
-
Barney Miller : Okay, okay, guys from Narcotics aren't used to conforming. Give him a while. He'll adjust
-
Barney Miller : Wojo, you and Harris, fill out paperwork
Det. Ron Harris : Whose the new man ?
Det. Ron Harris : His name is Paul Gardeno, spent a couple years over in Narcotics. He's got a good street record. Tough, efficient, he's a loner
Det. Ron Harris : Sound's charming
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Hey, why don't you team him up with me. We can make a very exciting couple !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : We haven't even got our plumbing fixed it ?
Det. Ron Harris : Hey man, what's that got to do with Gardeno ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : We need a plumber, a lot more than we need a new cop ?
Barney Miller : Maybe he's handy around the house ?
Barney Miller : Chano, you and Fish . You can take care of these
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Alright
Barney Miller : Nick, you and me, we got to work on these extract reports
-
Barney Miller : I could make other arrangements to get you some temporary space around here.
-
Detective Paul Gardeno : Captain Miller, would you be offended, if I put in a transfer ?
Barney Miller : Probably, I'm a very sensitive man .
Detective Paul Gardeno : Look, this isn't my bag. I'm no good for busting Winos, picking up kids for stealing fruit.
Barney Miller : Arresting Jaywalkers ?
Detective Paul Gardeno : You know what I mean. I like narcotics and I like working alone.
Barney Miller : I know, I read your record.
Detective Paul Gardeno : I didn't ask to come here. I don't why I was transferred.
Barney Miller : Probably, the commissioner's way of saying, your still a member of the New York City Police Department, not the Green Hornet You know, they sent you to some little dull out-of-the-way precinct, to get you back to basic training, to remind you, your still part of a team.
Detective Paul Gardeno : Is that the way you figure it ?
Barney Miller : It's happened to guys.
Detective Paul Gardeno : Your team shaves, don't they ?
Barney Miller : That's the nature of a team, a team does the same things for the same reason. If you don't shave, we are all going to have to grow beards.
Detective Paul Gardeno : Are you telling me, I have have to lose the beard ?
Barney Miller : I'm telling you, while I respect an individual's right to self-expression, you more like a customer than a cop, there are rules and regulations.
Detective Paul Gardeno : Oh, come on with that jazz ? There just climbing up my back. You said so your self.
Barney Miller : So why fight it ? You're smarter than that ?
-
Barney Miller : Anybody seen Fish, its almost 3 o' clock.
Det. Ron Harris : He's probably still eating, you know how long it it takes him to chew.
Barney Miller : Check with dispatch, see if he called in.
Det. Ron Harris : Okay
-
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : What's the address?... Okay, don't move in there we will be right over... .Right... Goodbye. Oh, boy, everybody's going bananas today. Here's a guy shooting at his wife, closes himself in the bathroom, and still got the gun with him
Barney Miller : Take Gardeno with you
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Come on Gardeno, let's go
Detective Paul Gardeno : You sure you want me to go with him.
Barney Miller : You can't hang around here waiting for your beard to grow.
-
Bernice Fish : Aren't you ashamed?
Det. Phil Fish : Bernice. Barney may I use your office.
Barney Miller : Help yourself.
Det. Phil Fish : Get in there
-
Det. Ron Harris : Hey Wojo, for crying out loud, man.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Well, I thought he was... there for official business, wasn't he Barn ?
Barney Miller : Probably
Elizabeth Miller : Did you send him there, Barney ?
Barney Miller : I didn't have to. Fish has initiative.
-
Barney Miller : Look, your not the first cop to hide behind a reputation or a image. You just did a hell of a job without it , Chano told use the whole story
-
Barney Miller : Result are what's important. not direction. You sure you don't need anything.
-
Barney Miller : Hey Fish...
Det. Phil Fish : Yeah
Barney Miller : You didn't qualify.
Det. Phil Fish : It was cold, I wore gloves
Barney Miller : Now, you are going to have to go back next week. This time practice, huh ?
Det. Phil Fish : Practice. That means I have to buy my own bullets. You know how much bullets are today?
Barney Miller : There's big demand between between the Middle East and Television
Det. Phil Fish : Used to buy a beautiful bullet for 6 or 7 cents. Today, 13 cents, and lousy quality, in cheap boxes.
-
Barney Miller : Narcotics travels light , huh ?
Detective Paul Gardeno : Yeah... light
Barney Miller : Nick, get him a locker .
Detective Paul Gardeno : I don't need a locker
Barney Miller : Get him a locker anyway man need a place to be alone... We'll talk later
-
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Come on ! , Come On !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Just take it easy Mr. Cooper, your in enough trouble all ready
Lyman Cooper : Self-defense, that guy took a swing at me, first, you know and so did she.
Barney Miller : What's he doing up here ?
Det. Ron Harris : Lyman Cooper -- Drunk. Disorderly. Assault and Battery.
Lyman Cooper : Nobody can take a joke no more. I'm just sitting at the bar minding my own business and this blonde comes over to me and she says "Buy you a drink sweetie" and I says to her "How dare you?" and then this big guy comes over to me. The guy takes a cut at me and then the blonde knocks me right off the barstool. Well, maybe it was the other way around.
Barney Miller : Take a seat, Mr. Cooper
Lyman Cooper : Hey buy you a drink ?
Barney Miller : Uh, no
-
Barney Miller : Hey, hot of the press, tour sheets. And a communique from headquarter. Gardeno goes back to narcotics as soon as he gets out of the hospital
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Oh, yeah, I'll tell you, he's going to be glad to hear that because he has a four-day growth of beard and he's polished his earring
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : I still don't understand why the guy needs gimmicks to do his job ? He's good enough without them.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : What's that around your neck ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : My Marine dog-tags, but I don't need them. I just wear them for... luck
Det. Ron Harris : Ah, he wouldn't be caught dead without them.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Right
Barney Miller : What about the slave bracelet ?
Det. Ron Harris : Hey, man, that's a genuine antique. That belonged to my great-grandfather
Barney Miller : Everybody needs something
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Yeah, listen, I got a good luck tattoo but you can't see it because it's under my cast
[lips "pretty stuff?"]
Det. Phil Fish : I got lucky teeth
Yemana : How come there lucky ?
Det. Phil Fish : My dentist died before they were half-paid for .