- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I like her and all, but, uh... It's not exactly like she's fresh off the vine She never walked the streets... Strictly telephone... That's all over with now.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I don't know what it is Barn, I --I seemed to get hooked up with fallen women. It's like I need to think they need saving and I'm the only guy in the world to do it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, look, it's always tough to make any kind of commitment. I can't say anything to you other than go with you feelings
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You know, what my problem is, I'm a prisoner to my biological urges... I mean, my sex life is running the whole damn show.
- Harriet Brauer: Captain, he's at it again
- Capt. Barney Miller: He is, how consistent of him ?
- Harriet Brauer: Harriet Brauer, you remember, you arrested my husband last year
- Capt. Barney Miller: We did ?
- Harriet Brauer: The tall man with the crazy eyes. The nut with the gold
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh yeah.
- Det. Ron Harris: Of course
- Harriet Brauer: He -- He even sold you a gold coin, remember ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Vividly, it's gone down 28 bucks, since I bought it
- Capt. Barney Miller: What's the problem ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Too many speculators
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, I still not convinced, there is anything illegal about this
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, we're coming to that. You see, apparently, Brookburn Enterprises, also supplies it applicants with weapons
- Harriet Brauer: Last week, he brought home a Bazooka
- Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe you should check it out. Take a couple of uniforms with you
- Det. Ron Harris: Right , Barn
- Nells Finney: He had hit me from no reason
- Frank Mallory: I had a right, he put me through hell
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Can you stop yelling, it's an old building
- Capt. Barney Miller: What do we got here ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That's Frank Mallory and this Nells Finney. We found them rolling around the gutter in front of Finney's business.
- Frank Mallory: I was just trying to get a refund.
- Capt. Barney Miller: A refund ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, uh, Finney here owns a travel agency
- Nells Finney: Jolly Jaunt Tours.
- Frank Mallory: 13 hours on a plane, 5 hours in customs, and 2 hours in a dirty taxi.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Mr Mallory returned from a trip to Europe, this morning that Mr. Finney had arranged.
- Frank Mallory: 28 days of horror
- Nells Finney: I told you it wasn't our deluxe package
- Frank Mallory: Listen, my wife had been planning this trip for ten years. It was going to be the honeymoon we never had. We were gonna revitalize our relationship and now she wants a divorce. Did you know that?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Just... just take it easy, take it easy, Mr. Mallory. Whose charging who ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It's mutual
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm gonna slide Mr. Mallory around here to your desk
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Come on, Mr. Mallory, here we go
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo , you got Mr. Finney
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Have a seat there, Mr. Finney
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Right this way !
- Phillip Brauer: I know, I know, I have been here before ?
- Det. Ron Harris: He hasn't.
- Phillip Brauer: You getting a big kick out of this, don't you ?
- Harriet Brauer: I'm doing it for you
- Phillip Brauer: I don't want you to
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey... Hey. You remember Captain Miller ?
- Phillip Brauer: You can't stop me. This is America.
- Det. Ron Harris: You do remember Mr. Brauer ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Now I do .
- Phillip Brauer: A man has a right to give his life meaning. A man has a right to participate
- Capt. Barney Miller: In what?
- Phillip Brauer: In the ebb and flow of current events.
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's very conscientious of you, but your wife is very concerned for your safety
- Phillip Brauer: I don't care what she told you, I want you to understand one thing. I have thought this thing over very carefully and calmly. This is not the act of a crazy man
- Harriet Brauer: Look at the eyes, the eyes
- Phillip Brauer: My eyes have always look like this.I've had pictures since I was a little kid.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Why don't you have a seat, Mr Brauer, we'll try... ?
- Phillip Brauer: Your a very sick woman
- Harriet Brauer: Coming from you, that's a compliment
- Phillip Brauer: Oh, really...
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr Brauer, why don't you have a seat, huh ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Expecting trouble ?
- Col. Charles Dundee: I keep it mostly for sentimental reasons
- Capt. Barney Miller: According to your advertisement, you run some kind of recruitment agency
- Col. Charles Dundee: We're looking for a few good men.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Is, uh... that one of them
- Col. Charles Dundee: Brauer is a good man.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You would send a fifty year old appliance salesman off to fight in some guerilla war
- Col. Charles Dundee: You say war, like it's there's something dirty about it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Must have slipped out
- Capt. Barney Miller: Captain, war is the one thing we can depend on, in a crazy, mixed-up uncertain world.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Why don't you have a seat over at Sergeant Harris's desk and he'll get some further information out of you.
- Det. Ron Harris: Thank's Barn... Mr. Dundee
- Col. Charles Dundee: Colonel
- Det. Ron Harris: Approximate date you purchased the weapon ?
- Col. Charles Dundee: Your ever consider it ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Consider what ?
- Col. Charles Dundee: Merc work
- Det. Ron Harris: Merc work
- Col. Charles Dundee: Half dozen places in Africa. You could name in your own ticket -- Angola, Ethiopia, The Congo.
- Det. Ron Harris: No thanks
- Col. Charles Dundee: Why not ?
- Det. Ron Harris: I can't wear Khaki .
- Frank Mallory: How'd you let me miss that ?
- Nells Finney: What ?
- Frank Mallory: The Congo
- Nells Finney: I'd just about had it with your sarcasm. You should be grateful, you even got to go Europe
- Frank Mallory: Big deal, Everybody's been to Europe
- Nells Finney: I haven't
- Frank Mallory: Your kidding
- Nells Finney: I haven't been anyplace
- Frank Mallory: I thought you people went on these special junkets.
- Nells Finney: Sure, just take off, huh? Whose going to watch the store ?
- Frank Mallory: Oh, yeah. I know what you mean?
- Nells Finney: You people, taking off to London, Rome, Rio de Janeiro. I stuck in a cold filthy, city. In a box of an office.
- Frank Mallory: I didn't realize
- Nells Finney: I know, you didn't realize it. Staring all day at travel posters of juvenile girls in native costumes. Day after day, staring at the that damn poster of Greece
- Frank Mallory: Aren't they beautiful ?
- Nells Finney: Rhodes, Corfu, Lesbos -- warm blue waters, music, ouzo
- Frank Mallory: Take it easy Finney
- Nells Finney: Oh, God ! I want to go someplace!
- Phillip Brauer: Harriet, the opportunities are incredible. Listen, a few years ago, few years ago, a band of mercs captured an island off Africa. They owned the whole country, and lived like kings.
- Harriet Brauer: Oh, Phil, if something happens over there that solves your problems but I still have the rest of my life to get through
- Phillip Brauer: But, Harriet, I can do something. I can affect something.
- Harriet Brauer: But Phil, I need you here, not 5000 miles away. Phil... I want you here
- Phillip Brauer: Well, alright, maybe I don't have to go to Africa. Maybe I can go the Caribbean or South America or Mexico City
- Harriet Brauer: What are you gonna do, commute?
- Harriet Brauer: I want you here... I need you
- Phillip Brauer: Don't do that Harriet.
- Harriet Brauer: What ?
- Phillip Brauer: Turn me on ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, Barney, uh, I finished checking out the Colonel. He's got a Collector's License for the weapons.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, how about Brookburn Enterprises
- Det. Ron Harris: Tacky, but it's legal
- Col. Charles Dundee: Anything else you need, Captain ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, not at the moment Colonel . Thank you for your cooperation
- Col. Charles Dundee: My pleasure, ready Brauer ?
- Phillip Brauer: Look, uh, Colonel there's, uh... there's been a change of plans . I can't go with you
- Col. Charles Dundee: Oh.
- Phillip Brauer: It's, uh, it's my wife, she's unstable. I can't leave her alone.
- Col. Charles Dundee: Well, that's too bad. It would have been great fun.
- Phillip Brauer: Yeah
- Col. Charles Dundee: But... there will be other chances -- Middle East, Asia, Cleveland... Touch of humor
- Phillip Brauer: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks
- Col. Charles Dundee: Don't mention it
- Harriet Brauer: Phil ?
- Phillip Brauer: Yeah.
- Harriet Brauer: Can we go ?
- Phillip Brauer: Yeah, We can go .
- Harriet Brauer: Oh. Oh. Thank you so much
- Det. Ron Harris: Anytime
- Harriet Brauer: Everyone
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mrs. Brauer
- Harriet Brauer: Oh, Captain, thank you, everyone
- Capt. Barney Miller: Good luck, Mr. Brauer.
- Phillip Brauer: Be seeing you. Yeah, I'll bet you anything . I'll be seeing you
- Col. Charles Dundee: Captain , see you around
- Capt. Barney Miller: Probably, we're going to keep an little eye on your collection
- Col. Charles Dundee: No problem. Oh, uh... you know, a man of your experience, you'd be a major, easy
- Capt. Barney Miller: Captain's plenty
- Col. Charles Dundee: Anybody else ?
- Frank Mallory, Nells Finney: No... No
- Col. Charles Dundee: Stand easy, men ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Captain, I checked Mallory and Finney for priors. There both clean
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fine, Gentlemen, we have no reason to hold you. Want to hold each other ?
- Frank Mallory: Huh ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Who is charging whom ?
- Nells Finney: Well, if it's alright with you, I just want to get out of here
- Capt. Barney Miller: Good. Mr. Mallory ?
- Frank Mallory: I just want to get to bed. I'm starting to hallucinate.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fine. Let them loose.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That's an interesting tactic, you used.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What's that ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Whenever we have assault cases. You always put the two combatants in the cell, give them the opportunity to reconcile
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Or beat the hell out of each other again
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, I have faith in human nature. I figure, two intelligent adults -- give them the opportunity...
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I better get them out of there
- Nells Finney: What's going to happen now ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sergeant Wojciehowicz is going to book you
- Nells Finney: It's very ironic, isn't it ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: How so?
- Nells Finney: The way different professions use the same terminology ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: If you say so ?
- Nells Finney: I book people in my business , you book people in your business. It's very ironic
- Capt. Barney Miller: Of course, around here you don't need a reservation.
- [Miller directs Wojo]
- Capt. Barney Miller: Book 'em.
- Det. Ron Harris: Barn... This is Charles Dundee
- Col. Charles Dundee: Colonel Dundee
- Capt. Barney Miller: Colonel, are you presently in the Army ?
- Col. Charles Dundee: Several. I take it, you are the Commanding Officer
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm Captain Miller, yes.
- Det. Ron Harris: He's the main honcho over at Brookburn Enterprises.
- Col. Charles Dundee: I'm the President and Supervising Officer of Worldwide Operations.
- Det. Ron Harris: Got a room above a pizza joint over on 44th street
- Col. Charles Dundee: We like to keep a low profile
- Col. Charles Dundee: You also like to keep a couple of firearms.
- Col. Charles Dundee: I got a right to secure my place of business
- Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe it's... Maybe it's just that you can see worthwhile qualities, a vulnerability, even spirituality, that other people miss.