- Shirley Schmidt: [Shirley walks in, turns on a faucet, and glares into a mirror at Alan] Who the hell are you?
- Alan Shore: It's not who, so much as what. This is a men's room. What's your name, fella?
- Shirley Schmidt: I'm Shirley Schmidt. Pardon the intrusion, but one of our assistants is suing us under Title IX, claiming, among other things, the men have better fixtures.
- Alan Shore: So, you're Shirley Schmidt, of Crane, Poole, and...
- Shirley Schmidt: - Schmidt.
- Alan Shore: Alan Shore, it's a pleasure.
- [He turns from the urinal and extends his hand to her]
- Shirley Schmidt: [scoffs] Surely, you intend to wash that first.
- Alan Shore: I keep an extremely clean penis.
- [He then turns to wash his hands]
- Shirley Schmidt: I know all about you.
- Alan Shore: And I, you. There's much written in stall #2. I pictured you younger. Much.
- Shirley Schmidt: A smart attorney recognizes who he can or cannot rattle.
- Alan Shore: He also knows a good rattle when he sees one.
- Shirley Schmidt: Since I'm your boss, I can't return your sexual banter, but I will say, for the record, that if I were looking for a rattle? He would be taller. He would be better looking. He would be more evolved than a junior in high school...
- Alan Shore: I prefer the juniors in high school.
- Shirley Schmidt: - He would be something other than a self-loathing narcissist with a dwarf fetish, and yes, judging from what I got a glimpse of in the mirror when I first entered the room? He. Would. Be. Bigger. Much.
- [She turns and walks out]
- Alan Shore: My, my, my...
- Denny Crane: I'm Denny Crane. Crane comes before Schmidt.
- Shirley Schmidt: You refer, of course, to when we were intimate.
- Denny Crane: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
- Shirley Schmidt: It was the Secretary of Defense.
- Bernard Ferrion: Mom? Mom? It's me... Bernard.
- Mrs. Ferrion: Bernard.
- Bernard Ferrion: The doctors say you're gonna be just fine. You just need to rest, Mother.
- Mrs. Ferrion: My Bernard.
- [to Dr. Kohler]
- Mrs. Ferrion: He hit me on the head.
- [Dr. Kohler looks up suddenly from Mrs. Ferrion's chart]
- Mrs. Ferrion: I think with a skillet.
- Bernard Ferrion: [scoffs] Ma! What are you talking about? You fell.
- Mrs. Ferrion: You tried to kill me.
- Alan Shore: She's a Chatty Cathy!
- D.A. Bret Haber: [about Bernard Ferrion] He is a threat to society.
- Alan Shore: Nonsence. He only kills mothers, allegedly and he's fresh out of them.