- [Richie and Eddie are taking part in an identity parade, the suspect hasn't arrived yet. A slouching man enters]
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Oh dear, whoops-a-daisy, here he comes, dear, oh dear, oh dear! Look at that Neanderthal gait! Probably only learned to walk upright this morning! Hanging's too good for you, buster! Hah! I'm surprised he manages to mug old ladies with his knuckles scraping along the pavement like that!
- [impersonates a gorilla]
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Hello! Hello!
- [twiddles his lips]
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Me respectable citizen! Ugh, it's making my flesh creep. You vile scuuum!
- Chief Inspector Grobbelaar: Do you mind?
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Oh, it talks! It talks! What are you going to do next, go on a quest for fire?
- Chief Inspector Grobbelaar: Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am Chief Inspector Grobbelaar.
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: [mimicking him in the gorilla/Neanderthal voice] Chief Inspector Grobb...
- [he realises who the man is]
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Ah.
- [he looks awkward then gives the Chief Inspector a smarmy smile]
- [Richie has been lying to a barmaid that he has been trying to pull that he is a Falklands war veteran only to discover the man next to him at the bar is one as well]
- Mr N. Stiles: You all right mate?
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Ha, ha, oooh yees, yes, yes, hahaha. I always get like this when I meet one of the old compadres. So... shit... great... You were there too, were you?
- Mr N. Stiles: Yeah, I was in Two Para.
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: What, you went twice?
- Mr N. Stiles: What regiment was you in then?
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Well the English one of course! What are you suggesting?
- Mr N. Stiles: No, what outfit was you in?
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Well, the green patchy one most of the time. With the twigs and the bit of leaf, you know, camouflage. I mean, ah, some of the chaps had their busbies on but, hur-hur, not many of them came back. No, I just remember looking down my rifle-sights at hordes of screaming Argies, all going "Nein nein, ve surrender Tommy-schweinhund!"
- Eddie: So, er, what did you do then?
- Falklands War Vet: Well, I'd rather not talk about it.
- Eddie: Why? Is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you?
- Falklands War Vet: Quite the opposite, actually.
- Eddie: What, you sucked water in through your eyes?
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: [to an attractive new barmaid] May I say, how attractive you look in that short summer frock. It's quite lovely, isn't it? Tell me, do you use Timotei? I'm sure that, with beautiful hair like that you probably have to pop up a mountain, don't you... find a stream and dip it in and flick it about the place! Are you a page three girl? Because I'm sure if you wanted to be you could be.
- Pawnbroker: Oh, there's a nice little piece of object d'art! Must be worth at least two an' a half grand... I'll give yer £1.50 for it!
- Eddie: Uhh... let's haggle.
- Pawnbroker: OK, a quid.
- Eddie: No, let's haggle upwards.
- Pawnbroker: OK, 50p!
- Eddie: God, they don't call you Harry The Bastard for nothing, do they?
- Pawnbroker: No. They call me Ted.
- Richie: I've done it mentally. Boy, have I done it mentally. Look at that bicep! You're bloody lucky I didn't hit you with that one, mate!
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: [Richie is urinating, Eddie is laughing at his genital size] Alright, alright, you'd be laughing on the other side of your face if you were in my shoes.
- Eddie: No, I wouldn't, I'd have very wet feet if I was in your shoes.
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: What?
- [Looks down]
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Oh damn! Oh who cares? We'll be living in fur-lined, lizard skin thigh boots from here on in if my plan comes to fruition. Now let's go over it again.
- [Turns to Eddie still urinating]
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Oh sorry, sorry! Now this is the plan, OK? We take off his leg, we take it down the pawn shop, put all the money on the horse, win, redeem the leg and put it back on. He'll never know! What could possibly go wrong? Especially with a horse like Sad Ken!
- Eddie: You're right!
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Okey-dokey, I'll distract his attention, you swipe the leg.
- Eddie: Righty-dokey, matey bloke, flap, old salty sea-dog amigo, skip jack, jock strap, piano tuner! Let's see you balls this one up!
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Right-o!
- Eddie: How much for this carved wooden leg?
- Ted Nugent: Now there's a nice bit of objet d'art, must be worth at least two and a half grand. I'll give you £1.50 for it.
- Eddie: Let's haggle.
- Ted Nugent: Alright, a quid.
- Eddie: No, let's haggle upwards.
- Ted Nugent: Alright, 50p!
- Eddie: Blimey, they don't call you Harry the Bastard for nothing, do they?
- Ted Nugent: No, they call me Ted!
- Eddie: Well listen, Ted. I've still got a photograph of you, a Chippendale and an industrial sized drum of Swarfega.
- Ted Nugent: Have you?
- Eddie: Uh-huh.
- Ted Nugent: Then I'll give £500 for the leg, now bugger off!
- Chief Inspector Grobbelaar: Happy with the line up, gentlemen?
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Not really, you know that it's us, don't you? We don't stand a chance.
- Chief Inspector Grobbelaar: That's the beauty of it, sir.
- Richard 'Richie' Richard: Well, don't we get a make-up artist or something? Or some time to grow a moustache, or have a sex change?
- Eddie: I demand to see a lawyer! Preferably a female, nudie one.