Family Guy (TV Series)
Holy Crap (1999)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Tom Tucker, Vern, Doctor on TV, Picnic Judge, Gnome #2, Pawtucket Mill CEO, Isaac, Police Officer, Co-Worker #1, Golf Competitor, Jesus Christ, Pope's Assistant #1, Pope Manager, Sheriff
Photos
Quotes
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Peter Griffin : My dad's worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years!
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Peter Griffin : Dad, my God, are you okay?
Francis Griffin : [Francis slaps Peter in the face] Don't be using the Lord's name in vain.
Peter Griffin : He's okay, thank God.
[Francis slaps Peter again]
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Francis Griffin : I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! God watches you do it all the time, you know!
Chris Griffin : God watches me go #2? Ohh, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.
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The Pope : Are you sure this is Boston?
Peter Griffin : Yeah, it's Boston. See, look, there's Harvard.
The Pope : That's just a barn.
Peter Griffin : Ooh, someone went to Yale.
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[Peter is trying to figure out how to earn his father's respect when he sees a news report of the Pope visiting Quahog]
Peter Griffin : I just got a crazy idea.
[putting a waffle iron on the table, he sticks his hand into it and closes the lid]
Peter Griffin : AHHHH!
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The Pope : [after meeting Francis] I've never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint.
Peter Griffin : Well, he's my dad. I just want him to love me.
Francis Griffin : Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart.
Peter Griffin : [he gestures for the band to play the sentimental tune] You do?
Francis Griffin : Of course. I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you.
Peter Griffin : [the band stops] No, keep playing, you guys. I think this is as good as it's gonna get.
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Stewie Griffin : I love God. He's so deliciously evil.
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Francis Griffin : [at his retirement party] At mass this morning, it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who have forced a hardworking old man to retire. So you can take this shiny watch and shove it.
Stewie Griffin : I adore this man!
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Peter Griffin : Hey, that was some speech, dad.
Lois Griffin : Yes, it's a shame grandma wasn't there to hear it.
Francis Griffin : Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.
Mrs. Griffin : [cut to a Vegas casino] Hit me, you five-card stud.
[hacking cough]
Mrs. Griffin : Cocktail!
Francis Griffin : [return to the car] Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.
Lois Griffin : [uneasy laugh] Oh, Francis, this must be embarrassing for you. I'm in the car.
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Peter Griffin : Dad, now that you're retired, you're coming to stay with us. No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down.
[he steps on the brake pedal; Brian flies forward and hits the dashboard]
Peter Griffin : Hey, Brian, buckle up.
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Lois Griffin : He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter Griffin : I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.
Brian Griffin : I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
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Diane Simmons : Well, Tom, the City of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope.
Tom Tucker : That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined: this cock.
[holding up a rooster]
Tom Tucker : Yes, the Rhode Island Cock Society will be sponsoring free checkups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. Don't know why they went with such a suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster".
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Stewie Griffin : [reading the Bible] My, my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2x4s. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.
Chris Griffin : [groaning] Please don't say "poo".
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Lois Griffin : Peter, are you all right? Where's your father?
Peter Griffin : Still at the factory. He's turning the break room into a chapel.
Lois Griffin : A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch?
Peter Griffin : Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me... me and dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best...
[as he falls asleep, his head falls forward, the fork in his hand sticking into his forehead]
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Peter Griffin : Tomorrow night, they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him.
Meg Griffin : Why? We barely know him.
Chris Griffin : Yeah, how come he never visits us?
Lois Griffin : Well, kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic.
[flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding; a sign on their car reads "Just Married", and taped underneath is another sign reading "To a Protestant whore"]
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Peter Griffin : Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!
Francis Griffin : Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin : Ah... um... ah... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?
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Stewie Griffin : You know, I rather like this God fellow, very theatrical, you know. A pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that, hmmm?
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Peter Griffin : [in hell] Oh, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth ... hey, what are you doing here?
Superman : I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book.