- Peter Griffin: Oh jeez. This hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.
- Peter Griffin: [flashback to when he was a kid] Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
- Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
- [Peter hangs his head in shame]
- Brian Griffin: [drunk and encouraging Peter's drinking] Go! Go! Go!
- Lois Griffin: [entering the room] Peter, it's 6 o'clock in the morning!
- Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
- [Peter and Brian laugh]
- Lois Griffin: You're drunk again!
- Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
- Glen Quagmire: Hey gorgeous! You want to come home with me?
- Woman in Bar: I'm with my husband!
- Glen Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero.
- [Quagmire's face punched by husband]
- Glen Quagmire: Little violent for you, don't you think?
- [punched again by husband]
- Glen Quagmire: Huh, I'll be right over there.
- Game Show Host: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
- Password Announcer: The password is... flaming.
- Peter Griffin: You...
- Tony Randall: Actor.
- Peter Griffin: You...
- Tony Randall: Tony?
- Peter Griffin: You...
- Peter Griffin: Oh Lois, thank God it's you! The last three houses I went to were very rude.
- Lois Griffin: Have you been drinking?
- Peter Griffin: Why yes I have... thank you.
- Peter Griffin: This is it, pal. We're goners.
- Brian Griffin: Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship.
- Peter Griffin: Me, too. That's why I was holding this in. But since we're gonna die anyway...
- [Peter farts]
- Brian Griffin: Peter, that's it!
- [Brian farts]
- Peter Griffin: Hey, pull my finger.
- Brian Griffin: My pleasure.
- [Peter farts]
- Brian Griffin: Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog.
- [Brian farts]
- Peter Griffin: Silent but lifesaving.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, talent just doesn't disappear.
- Peter Griffin: It can, I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
- [cutaway to Peter on his bed]
- Peter Griffin: Come on, move around. Jeez, it's like I'm doing it with a pillow.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's house that night.
- Peter Griffin: [with an embarrassed look] Oh.
- Pawtucket Pat: Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation. You'll be tanked, like the whole Irish nation. When you drink enough of my beer, you will find this magic rule. Make your every joke a jewel. You'll drive drunker than... Oksana Baiul. Go on buds, drink my suds, 'til you've reached that pure inebriation. Though the beer, may be free... you're just renting it from me.
- Peter Griffin: It's like I died and went to heaven. But, but then they realized that it wasn't my time, and so they sent me back to a brewery.
- Son: I cant believe I'm missing Ronnies party for this.
- Mother: That Ronnie is a very bad influence.
- Father: Yeah that little bastard sold me some very bad crack.
- Mother: Stay out of it Herb your not even his real Father.
- Peter Griffin: Jeez Lois, still with the Piano? What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that's incredible!
- [plays perfect piano]
- Lois Griffin: I don't understand how... you're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet. Keep playing, keep playing!
- The Don: You come to me and ask me to kill a man I do not know. Now I ask you... why should I kill this Count Chocula?
- Cap'n Crunch: Because that son of a bitch has been spreading lies. My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth... with all respect.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, you don't get it. The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences. You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine.
- [Peter has lost his ability to play the piano]
- Lois Griffin: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that!
- Peter Griffin: Well, sometimes it does. I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
- [Flashback]
- Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, move or something! Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
- Peter Griffin: Oh.
- Mayor Adam West: All right, listen to me you long-neck bastard. You give me the scroll and I make you Head of Sanitation Services for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweetcake.
- Lois Griffin: Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery?
- Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery. Now, now help me drink these beers.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, it's 7 in the morning.
- Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben!
- Lois Griffin: You're drunk again.
- Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
- Lois Griffin: Listen Peter, if you keep this up, something terrible is gonna happen.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, something terrible... all the way to the bank.
- Brian Griffin: Nice.
- Tom Tucker: It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons, but I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch."
- Peter Griffin: Oh man, this is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin.
- Joe Swanson: Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?
- Pawtucket Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
- [Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out]
- Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.
- Chumba Wumba #1: What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
- Chumba Wumba #2: Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
- Chumba Wumba #3: What do you think of the one you call God?
- Chumba Wumba Chorus: Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?
- Chumba Wumba #4: Maybe He's forgotten you.
- Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue!
- [the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory]
- Joe Swanson: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!
- Chumba Wumba #2: Gobbledy glue!
- Stewie Griffin: Ahh! Trying to watch the history channel here.
- [piano in the background continues]
- Stewie Griffin: Not talking to myself.