Family Matters (TV Series)

Food, Lies and Videotape (1992)

Jaleel White: Steve Urkel

Quotes 

• Steve Urkel : Ms Steuben, you taught Laura to slow down and stop taking short cuts. And you taught Cassie Lynn Nubbles, the posterchild for useless people, how to do things for herself. And, my God, look what you've done to Waldo. Do you have any idea how much you changed him?

  Ms. Steuben : Well, I guess he's changed a little.

  Steve Urkel : A little? Why, because of you, he's swapping recipes with Wolfgang Puck. And, he's got something that he didn't have before. Self respect.

• Steven Quincy Urkel : Come on, yeast! Rise! You can do it!

  Ms. Steuben : Steve, it's not a good sign when you have to give your bread a pep talk.

• Ms. Steuben : Listen, now, you tried as hard as you could and I'm gonna be generous and give you a C.

  Steve Urkel : A what? A what?

  Ms. Steuben : A C. A C!

  Steve Urkel : But... but, I never... I never got less than... than an A.

  Ms. Steuben : So?

  Steve Urkel : So, I can't live with that! Why, it'll ruin my transcript!

  Ms. Steuben : Get a hold of yourself, Steven.

  Steve Urkel : I can't! I can't! Oh, the room is spinning. Oh, yes it is! I... I'm getting dizzy. Oh my God! I feel stupid!

• Steve Urkel : You're a wonderful teacher.

  Ms. Steuben : No, I'm a nervous teacher! I have a muscle in my forehead that will not stop jerking!

• Ms. Steuben : All right, class. This semester we're... Steven, you'd better get going. You're late for class.

  Steve Urkel : Oh, no I'm not. I'm in this class.

  Ms. Steuben : That's... that's not funny, Steven.

  Steve Urkel : Oh, I'm not joking. So, what's cookin', good lookin'?

  [laughs] 

  Ms. Steuben : Uh, excuse us... just a minute.

  [Pulls Steve to other side of room] 

  Ms. Steuben : Steven, last semester I specifically asked you what class you would not be taking this semster and you told me HOME EC!

  Steve Urkel : Well, yes, I did.

  Ms. Steuben : But... here you are. It's not fair.

• Steve Urkel : You teach us more than just things out of a textbook. Why, you teach us things about life!

  Ms. Steuben : Oh, you really think so?

  Steve Urkel : Look, I know the pay is lousy, the hours are long, and you hardly ever get the credit you deserve. But, you're a teacher, Ms. Steuben, and a daaarrn good one.

• Harriette : What's goin' on down here and why do I smell cinnamon flavored smoke?

  Steve Urkel : Well, ya see, we had a little muffin mayhem. A small gastronomic goof up. A minor Betty Crocker boo boo.

  Harriette : Laura, translate.

• [after Steve's Urk-yeast exploded all over the room] 

  Steve Urkel : Ms. Steuben... I told the janitor about our little problem here.

  Ms. Steuben : Is he coming?

  Steve Urkel : Uh... no. He opted for early retirement.

  Ms. Steuben : I think he has the right idea.

• [after putting out Laura's oven fire] 

  Steve Urkel : You're safe now, Missy.

  Laura : Thank you, Steve. Now, I'm gonna give you a compliment. But, it's only a compliment and it doesn't mean anything more than that.

  Steve Urkel : Oh, I understand.

  Laura : You did good.

  Steve Urkel : You love me, don't you?

• Harriette : Laura, this oven is set to 550.

  Laura : Well the recipe said to bake at 275 for 20 minutes, so I figured if I doubled the temperature, I'd get it done in half the time.

  Steve Urkel : [laughs]  That's one for the books! How can somebody so smart do something so, so

  [Laura gives him a dirty look] 

  Steve Urkel : So long!

  [runs out the back door]