- Dr. Frasier Crane: Is that bird nesting in my cashmere scarf?
- Martin Crane: Yeah, we tried a whole bunch of them and that's the one he likes best.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, that's it! I want that sky rat out of here!
- Martin Crane: Oh, no! Eddie will be crushed. The bird's like his pet.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Eddie *is* a pet. He doesn't get to have a pet.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: The sign said "F Hockey." I assumed it meant "Freshman Hockey."
- Martin Crane: The little plaid skirt didn't tip you off?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I thought it was a kilt!
- Martin Crane: [about Eddie] Oh, he's waiting for a pigeon friend of his. We call him Barney. Flies on the balcony every day and they stare at each other. Those crazy animals. Yesterday they did it for three hours... No, I'm not making it up, I watched them the whole time.
- [before the initial weighing, the staff gorges themselves on junk food to boost their starting weight]
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: We got cheeseburgers, donuts, french fries, tacos...
- Gil Chesterton: And a duck confit that's as rich as Donald Trump and twice as greasy.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Morrie, if you're not cheating on your wife, and she still suspects you, then we're obviously dealing with a trust issue.
- Morrie: More like a crazy issue. And I know where she gets it, from her mother - who, by the way, came for Thanksgiving and still hasn't left. Happy New Year!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Perhaps we should tackle these issues one at a time...
- [Over the line Frasier hears loud knocking]
- Morrie: I'm in the bathroom, Celeste! A little privacy? See how she gets?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, perhaps what is needed here is...
- [click]
- Celeste: You think I don't know who you're talking to in there, huh, Morrie? It's your little whore, isn't it? Hello, whore.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Celeste, if I could interrupt for just a moment...
- Celeste: A man? It's worse than I thought.
- [Another click]
- Celeste's Mother: Celeste?
- Celeste: Hang up, Ma!
- Celeste's Mother: You're all on the radio. I'm listening down in the kitchen.
- Morrie: How about washing a dish or two while you're down there?
- [Yet another click]
- Britney: I cannot stand this yelling! I'm running away from home.
- Morrie: Oh, hang up the phone, Britney, you're going nowhere.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: And neither is this conversation.
- [He cuts off the line]
- [the KACL team is sitting in a steam room]
- Roz Doyle: It's weird, my skin tastes kind of salty.
- [pause]
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Oh, I'd say mostly sweet, but a little salty.
- Roz Doyle: That wasn't me, Bulldog.
- Gil Chesterton: That was me you licked. And if it happens again, I shall consider it strike one.
- Martin Crane: What happened to your wrist?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, uh, she rolled over in her sleep and pinned me again. I even saw it coming this time, like the big rock in that Indiana Jones movie.
- Martin Crane: Shamu jump the tank again?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Fortunately, I moisturized right before bed, so I squirted out like a watermelon seed.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [after watching Eddie's pigeon fall down to his neighbour's awning] Don't you die! I love you, you tough old bird! Not you, Mrs Cunningham.
- Noel Shempsky: [laying on the floor in Frasier's steam room, weakly] Roz... will you take my hand?
- Roz Doyle: [grumbles] Okay, fine, Noel
- [gets lost in the steam]
- Roz Doyle: ... *where* are you? Oh my God! Put on a towel you perv!
- Gil Chesterton: I've heard of this sort of thing happening in locker rooms.
- Noel Shempsky: [bows over in pain] Ohhhh!
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [slapping Noel's head] Shake it off, kid! Nobody likes a whiner!
- Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: Hey! What'd I tell you about smoking in the booth?
- Roz Doyle: Oh, bite me! I need something to kill my appetite - besides your STUPID, UGLY FACE!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I've decided to rededicate myself to this diet. The team is captained by my old high school nemesis, Wayne Shafter.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [Gasps] Which one was he?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Big neck, dead eyed, snapped your PBS umbrella.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, didn't you purchase some sort of stomach-tightening apparatus for dad?
- Daphne Crane: The Ab-Blaster or the Flab-Buster?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Right, I tell you what. Bring me both of them, I'll put them together and see if I can get a real good workout.
- Martin Crane: [a pigeon flies into Frasier's window] Are you happy? You killed Eddie's friend. Poor little guy
- [pause]
- Martin Crane: Now what should we do? Just kick him over the edge?
- Martin Crane: Alright, everyone stay out of the hall. Eddie just threw up a dead pigeon and now he's eating it again.