- Garth Marenghi: [narrating the episode] I ran the only way I knew how: by placing one leg in front of the other in quick succession.
- Thornton Reed: [firing a shotgun at possessed kitchen equipment hovering outside his office window] Hurry up, Liz, I can't hold these plates off forever!
- Thornton Reed: God, I wish I was out hitting the ward with those young bucks. But I'm old, tired, spent, busted, rusted, stuck in a moldy old office with just a moody woman for company...
- [Liz uses telekinesis to blow out a light bulb in a fit of rage]
- Thornton Reed: Liz, that bulbs gone again, you couldn't fish another one out from the draw could you?
- Garth Marenghi: [reading an excerpt from one of his novels] Mike stared in disbelief as his hands fell off. From them rose millions of tiny maggots. Maggots? Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. Maggots... all over the floor of the post office in Leytonstone.
- Garth Marenghi: I portended that by the year 2040, the world might see its first female mechanic. And who knows, she might even do a decent job. Still, I wish her the very best.
- Garth Marenghi: [interviewing himself] In times of conflict, when you're up against an aggressor... be he human, be he inhuman, whoe'er he be; often he's both...
- Dr. Lucien Sanchez: [on phone] Yeah, it's me Dag. I'm at a dead end. I've been cornered by some cutlery; I think I can take them. A whisk, a tin opener, and a spatula. Yeah, I'll take the whisk out first and hold them off as long as I can.
- [whisk flies at his leg]
- Dr. Lucien Sanchez: Ah! I'm hit, I'm down. Yep. Got me in the leg. They'll be after you next. Bye!
- Dean Learner: Not since Orson Welles had one man had so many fingers in so many pies, and been the chef as well. And then looked like he went and ate them all. The guy was out of control.