- Lorelai Gilmore: He's totally fine having his personal freedom slowly stripped away, as long as he's completely unaware that it's happening. Just like a true American.
- Rory Gilmore: What's the worst that can happen? We won't be speaking anymore? Gee, that would suck.
- Lorelai Gilmore: Wow. Ice, ice, baby.
- Lorelai Gilmore: Hi, Dad. It's Lorelai.
- Emily Gilmore: Lorelai?
- Lorelai Gilmore: Mom?
- Richard Gilmore: Emily?
- Emily Gilmore: Richard?
- Lorelai Gilmore: Rowan? Martin?
- Richard Gilmore: Lorelai called me, Emily.
- Emily Gilmore: She did? What for?
- Richard Gilmore: I don't know, she hasn't told me yet.
- Emily Gilmore: Lorelai, why did you call your father?
- Lorelai Gilmore: Well I just wanted to know how he was doing.
- Richard Gilmore: I'm doing fine.
- Lorelai Gilmore: Very glad to hear that.
- Richard Gilmore: All right. It's good of you to check in.
- Emily Gilmore: Goodbye, Lorelai.
- Lorelai Gilmore: Whoa, guys, wait.
- Richard Gilmore: Is there more?
- Lorelai Gilmore: More than the nothing there just was? Yes, there's more.
- Rory Gilmore: Grandma said she was 'into this'?
- Lorelai Gilmore: Well, you know, she didn't say it like that, but she said,
- [English accent]
- Lorelai Gilmore: 'oh! Dinner with Rory! How delightful! Well, spit-spot. Alert the corgis'.
- Lorelai Gilmore: [Outside her parents house] Once upon a time, there was a big house with thick glass windows and heavy stone walls and a slightly pornographic fountain in the driveway. And all the animals in the forest were scared of the house 'cause they thought that the house was haunted, and so did all the villagers in the small hamlet of Hartford... shire... ville. "Maids go in, but they never come out," they would whisper on the street.
- [to Rory]
- Lorelai Gilmore: How are we doing?
- Rory Gilmore: Keep going.
- Lorelai Gilmore: One day, a beautiful young cowherderess walked by the house.
- Rory Gilmore: Cowherderess?
- Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, we could just go in, you know?
- Rory Gilmore: Cowherderess is walking by.
- Lorelai Gilmore: And suddenly she felt the unbearable need for a strand of pearls and a snifter of 100-year-old scotch. So, abandoning her cows, she climbed over the high walls and dropped onto the just-redone tiled walkway and rushed toward the enchanted French doors that the queen had never been happy with because the hardware was not what she had picked, and she refused to pay that idiot designer that she hired off of a recommendation, and
- [to Rory again]
- Lorelai Gilmore: okay, seriously, this didn't work when you were 4. I am not sure why you thought it would do any good now.
- Lorelai Gilmore: I can't believe you didn't dress crazy like we agreed.
- Rory Gilmore: We never agreed to dress crazy.
- Lorelai Gilmore: What are you talking about? We did so, on the phone last night when we made our lunch plans.
- Rory Gilmore: You saying, "hey, let's dress crazy," does not equate to us agreeing to dress crazy.
- Lorelai Gilmore: For years, it did.
- Rory Gilmore: Well, for years, you bought my clothes for me, so I had very little choice.
- Rory Gilmore: I let him pay for Yale. He's my father.
- [Emily laughs]
- Lorelai Gilmore: You know something I don't, Mom?
- Lorelai Gilmore: I just wanted to tell you that there was no mistake with your Yale check.
- Richard Gilmore: There wasn't?
- Lorelai Gilmore: No, um, they sent you back your check because Yale has already been paid for.
- Emily Gilmore: By whom?
- Lorelai Gilmore: By Christopher.
- Emily Gilmore: Christopher who?
- Lorelai Gilmore: Christopher Isherwood. That "cabaret" money was burning a hole in his pocket. You know what Christopher, Mom... His grandfather passed away recently and left him some money and he just wanted to do something for Rory. He's trying to be a dad for once. I thought it seemed like a good idea.
- [Emily slams down the phone]
- Lorelai Gilmore: Hello? Guys, are you there?
- Richard Gilmore: [deflated] I'm here, Lorelai. Your mother had to go.
- Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, Dad, please don't read too much into this. I mean, when was the last time Christopher wanted to do anything for Rory? He wants to contribute. This is a good thing... This is not a snub, dad, I swear. Rory and I are so grateful for everything you and mom have done, all the help you've given her. She would not be in Yale right now if it weren't for you and she would never have gone to Chilton. She would have graduated Stars Hollow High and then gone to community college and then beauty school.
- Richard Gilmore: I have to go, Lorelai.
- Lorelai Gilmore: Dad!
- Richard Gilmore: I appreciate the phone call. I simply wish it had come before I called every person in the bursar's office a moron.
- Lorelai Gilmore: Well... if it will make you feel any better, odds are, at least two of them truly deserved it.
- Babette Dell: [phone message] Hey, sugar. I heard some terrible crashing sounds coming from your living room today. I tried to get in, but Luke fixed the back door, so you can't jiggle it off the hinge anymore. You should really talk to him about that, sweetie.
- Rory Gilmore: Where is Michael and everyone else?
- Bill: Well, let's see. The sports department, city department, entertainment department, and feature department, other than you, have quit. Michael quit. Sylvia quit. Joni quit. Sheila's sick tonight, but as soon as she's better, she's going to quit.
- Rory Gilmore: Great.
- Bill: Oh, not done. The senior editor quit. The entire copy department quit. The little fellow who brought around sandwiches in the basket quit.
- Rory Gilmore: Okay, fine, I get it. Everyone quit.
- Bill: Not everyone, but close. It was quite an exodus, very biblical. All that was missing were the Cabala bracelets and the Matzo.
- Rory Gilmore: Whatever. We'll figure that out later. Right now I just need to finish my article, so I guess you and I can do it together.
- Bill: We could, but I quit too.
- Rory Gilmore: What?
- Bill: Right after Joni. I bowed out. I actually bowed, physically bowed.
- Rory Gilmore: Then what are you doing here?
- Bill: Are you kidding, I'm going to have a ringside seat for the event of the century. Tonight will be the first time ever in the history of the Yale Daily News that the paper does not come out.
- Rory Gilmore: Very nice.
- Bill: D-Day, the paper came out. Kennedy gets shot, the paper comes out. But three months of the Geller reign of terror, and the whole damn institution comes tumbling down.
- Rory Gilmore: You suck, Bill.
- Luke Danes: I actually bought a book, "Geometry for Dummies"; I stashed it in the kitchen and run back there every time she asks me a question thinking I could keep up with her, but I can't figure out what the hell it says. I mean, it's just this mess of weird symbols and shapes... I wonder if there's another book I could get.
- Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, "Geometry for Dummies for Dummies"?
- Paris Geller: Our pictures have sucked eggs lately, and so I sent out two photographers to cover the same story. They each came back with about 40 of the crappiest pictures ever to have been committed to film, completely unusable.
- Rory Gilmore: It was supposed to be a picture of a football game.
- Paris Geller: I know.
- Rory Gilmore: Well, was there one with a guy in a helmet holding a football? Because that's really all you need.
- Paris Geller: They were predictable and standard.
- Rory Gilmore: Guy in helmet holding ball.
- Paris Geller: Cover of the Harvard Crimson, after the big game, guy with helmet holding ball. Stanford game, guy in helmet holding ball. I wanted something more, okay, something that really said something about the game.
- Rory Gilmore: Like "we forgot to go"?
- Sookie St. James: Oh my God.
- Lorelai Gilmore: What?
- Sookie St. James: I wonder if Jackson has a love child.
- Lorelai Gilmore: What?
- Sookie St. James: I saw this kid wandering around town the other day. He looked exactly like Jackson and his voice was exactly like Jackson's, plus he was holding a banana, so I think he likes fruit.
- Sheila: Printer's on the phone. We're losing our spot.
- Rory Gilmore: [Takes the phone] Hello? Who am I speaking to? Hello, Russell. This is Rory Gilmore. What's this I hear about us losing our spot?... Yes... Well, we had an epidemic hit our staff this week, and, unfortunately, it has put us a bit behind. However, we are quickly getting back on track, and maybe, considering the circumstances, you could cut us a little slack, give us a bit of an extension... I know, but we've never asked for it before, and we will never ask for it again... By the way, you sound like a very handsome man, Russell... Yes, I'm using my wiles and everything else I can to get you to... one hour. I'll take it. Thank you, Russell. You have a slightly inappropriate Christmas card coming your way this year.