The IT Crowd (TV Series)

Fifty-Fifty (2006)

Richard Ayoade: Maurice Moss

Photos 

Quotes 

• Roy : I didn't know you did the whole lonely hearts thing.

  Moss : I'm a 32 year old IT consultant who works in the basement. Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.

• Moss : If you were a murderer, what would your nickname be? Mine would be 'The Gardener', because I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.

  Roy : What would your murder weapon be?

  Moss : A hammer.

• Roy : "Shut up! I'm not interested! These are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself. PS: No dogs."

  [to Moss] 

  Roy : How does yours sound?

  Moss : Well, mine doesn't sound any good now.

  Roy : Lets hear it.

  Moss : [hesitates]  "I'm going to murder you, you bloody woman!"

  Roy : [thinks]  You might want to play a bit hard to get.

• Moss' Mum : [Moss is in toilet]  Moss, what are you doing?

  Moss : Number twos, leave me alone! Stop doing this, you're always doing this, you're making it go back in!

• Moss : You're not going to Adam and believe this!

• Jen : Moss, Moss, there's a spider in my office. Could you deal with it? I just hate spiders.

  Moss : Hahaha! Oh, ah. Yeah. I'm not overly fond of them myself there, Jen. Um, how... how... How big is...? Whoa! Hey, now. I tell you what, I'd actually recommend my good friend Roy there as the go-to guy on anything with more than seven eyes. Um... He's on a very brief personal call right now...

  Jen : Come on, Moss. Don't be silly.

  Moss : You're right, I'm being silly. WRAP IT UP, ROY! No, it's just a spider. It's fine. It's just a spider. Oh, look, it seems to have left of its own volition.

  Jen : Oh, be a man, Moss.

  Moss : You're right. I'll be a man. I'm a man... Please don't shut the door.

  Jen : I won't.

  Moss : Goodbye, Jen.

• Moss : I went to a good place recently. Nice atmosphere. Food's great.

  Jen : Really?

  Moss : Yes. What?

  Jen : Sorry, I just didn't have you down as a restaurant person.

  Moss : I'm a restaurant person. Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person? Cheese string?