- [Moss suddenly notices the fire he set and naturally confuses it with golf]
- Moss: Ooh! Fore! I mean "Five!" I mean "Fire!"
- Newsreader: From today, dialling 999 won't get you the emergency services. And that's not the only thing that's changing. Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better-looking drivers mean they're not just "the" emergency services - they're "your" emergency services. So, remember the new number:
- [singing number]
- Newsreader: 0118 999 881 999 119 725... 3
- Moss: [holding a fire extinguisher that is on fire] I'll put this over here, with the rest of the fire.
- Moss: Subject: Fire. Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire that has broken out at the premises of... no, that's too formal.
- [deletes text, starts again]
- Moss: Fire - exclamation mark - fire - exclamation mark - help me - exclamation mark. 123 Cavendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. Yours truly, Maurice Moss.
- [sigh of relief]
- Roy: Come on you crazy bitch. Denholm's called a general.
- Jen: Oh no! Not another one.
- Moss: I bet he declares war on something. He loves declaring wars.
- [now in meeting]
- Denholm: I am declaring war.
- [the employees groan]
- Denholm: I can see that got your attention.
- [camera points to his tight cycling trousers]
- Denholm: What am I declaring war on?
- Roy: [sotto voce] My bollocks?
- Moss: [dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 - 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello?
- [pauses for thought]
- Moss: I know...
- [sits down in front of the computer]
- Moss: Subject: Fire. "Dear Sir stroke Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." no, that's too formal.
- [deletes]
- Moss: "Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Carrendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."
- Roy: I don't know if it's the loss of blood or the melting plastic from the monitor, but I feel great!
- TV Announcer: 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3
- Roy: Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine?
- Moss: Yes.
- Roy: You turned it off?
- Moss: Oh I'm fairly sure I did.
- Roy: Because you remember what happened last time, right?
- Moss: Yes. That was very funny!
- Roy: Well, no, no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died.
- Moss: Right. No. Yeah, I was thinking of a different incident, the one on the golf course.
- Roy: What? I'm talking about the fire.
- Moss: Oh yeah. Fire. Sorry. I always get confused between "golf" and "fire".
- Roy: Just make sure it's off.
- Roy: It is off. I think.
- Roy: Well just make sure it is.
- Moss: I will make sure it is.
- Roy: And if it's already off...?
- Moss: ...I'll just walk away.
- [Roy exits]
- Moss: Get off my back. What is he, the soldering iron police?... It's off. That means I turn in on, and just walk away.
- Denholm: [trying to stress out Jen] Jen, if this needle goes past here, you're fired. Does that make you feel stressed at all? Does it? Jen? Are you sure? Jen? Does it? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?