- Bike Cop: You just ran a red light back there, all right? And you're way over the speed limit.
- Mike McNeill: Hey, you got radar on that thing?
- Bike Cop: Buddy, I don't need radar.
- Mike McNeill: Nice socks, by the way. Let me ask you something. They teach you to ride in academy or did you already have that particular skill?
- Bike Cop: Alright, step out of the car, sir.
- Mike McNeill: I'm gonna reach down here in just a second. Hang on, I want to show you something.
- [Mike shows the Bike Cop his police badge]
- Mike McNeill: Twenty-first precinct and your balls are hanging out. What am I saying? You're a bike cop. You don't have those. Bye-bye.
- Mike McNeill: [Tasting his coffee] What the hell is this?
- Frank Harrigan: Almond maple roast. It's the newest flavor.
- Mike McNeill: When did Baskin-Robbins go into the coffee business?
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: I don't know why he started calling me "Pip". I'm watching this old variety show on cable the other night.
- Mike McNeill: Yeah?
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: I don't look like either one of them.
- Mike McNeill: There are two Pips?
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Yeah. Two or three.
- Mike McNeill: You don't know for sure?
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Well, they were moving kind of fast and your eyes are naturally drawn to Gladys. That's the whole point.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Why are you still taking those things, huh? I ain't no doctor, but I hear before you take painkillers you're actually supposed to have this thing called pain.
- Mike McNeill: I have pain.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Where?
- Mike McNeill: Well, there's the one in my ass - that would be you. And there's the one in my shoulder which happens to be killing me right now.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Yeah, well, one day soon I'm getting rid of that box.
- Mike McNeill: Yeah, let me tell you something: That box and a bottle of Bushmills is the only thing keeping me from taking a hostage, okay?
- Mike McNeill: Where's Kaleel Ojala?
- Ironsides: You looking for a black man so you come after me? I know what that is. I read it in the newspaper. That's racial profiling.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Damn straight it is.
- Mike McNeill: Yeah, see, I'm looking for a black guy, I don't go asking elderly white women. I go right to other black guys. Saves a lot of time. It's like the Puerto Rican Day parade. Who am I gonna pick up for smoking weed at that particular event? Little hint, not Italians, okay? Then again, come March 17th who am I gonna run in for beating up his own cousin and puking up green beer all over Fifth Avenue? Another little hint, not Puerto Ricans!
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Can I ask you something?
- Mike McNeill: Yeah.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Do I look okay?
- Mike McNeill: Yeah, you look fine.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: I look all right?
- Mike McNeill: What do you mean? Yeah.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Last night I'm getting in bed. And my wife said - She says my ass looks fat.
- Mike McNeill: I'm not getting involved.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: I'm asking you, as my best friend, does my ass look fat?
- Mike McNeill: Well, how should I know? I never look at your ass.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Okay, look, I'll get out the car, walk around front.
- Mike McNeill: Yeah?
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: You just take a look at the ass.
- Mike McNeill: What, wha?
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Just tell me what you think.
- [Gets out of the car]
- Mike McNeill: Pip. Hey! Get in the car, pip! Pip. I don't believe this. Get in the car, pip.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Well?
- Mike McNeill: You know, this is, this is how it starts probably. You know, it starts with us talking about your gigantic ass here in a car, and then in about a month we're sitting on a couch somewhere holding hands and watching "The Wizard of Oz" on DVD wide screen.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: What? Gigantic?
- Mike McNeill: Oh, no, no, man. No, that's not, sorry, buddy. That wasn't what I meant to say. You're not fat, man. You're not. You know, you're, uh, you're, uh, big boned.
- Terrence 'Pip' Phillips: Big boned.
- Mike McNeill: That's a good thing, man. There's a lot of good-looking big boned people. You know? What the hell am I saying? You know what? We're not talking about your ass ever again. Don't bring the ass up in the car! You're worried about how big it is, stop eating.
- Mike McNeill: I know you did it, Kaleel. But, it's cool. I'm not pointing any fingers. It's not your fault. Your parents. Those are the ones I blame. Probably a couple real jerk-offs, right?
- Kaleel Ojala: They're dead.
- Mike McNeill: You kill them?
- Mike McNeill: [as a group of older Japanese men enter the squad room] Ah, don't tell me. Somebody stole your golf course.