- Jack Gallo: [admiring his new engraved Louisville Slugger bat] Check it out, right there: Jack Gallo. Every great ballplayer has had his name engraved on a Louisville Slugger.
- Dennis Finch: Yeah, I know. My niece Tiffany got one.
- Dennis Finch: Today I'll be interviewing candidates for the new intern spot.
- Nina Van Horn: Ooh, new interns.
- Dennis Finch: Which brings me to my next point. Please do not talk to the recruits, please do not offer encouragement, please do not handcuff them to your desk.
- Nina Van Horn: I was merely trying to... Okay, I won't.
- Jack Gallo: Just be careful. Don't get all goofy.
- Maya Gallo: I won't, I'm not a teenager anymore. Duh!
- Nina Van Horn: Be honest, Elliot. How old do I look?
- Elliot DiMauro: Do you still have a gun?
- Nina Van Horn: Yes.
- Elliot DiMauro: Twenty.
- John Kenny: It's just like I say at the end of my second act: sometimes, the brightest room in the house of me is the one with the lamp called tomorrow.
- Dennis Finch: And sometimes you want to puke in a toilet called yesterday.
- Jack Gallo: We must keep our eye on the ball. Cosmo may be on a winning streak, but the game's not over until the bottom of the ninth.
- Maya Gallo: Dad, could you pleasetake it easy on the baseball metaphors?
- Jack Gallo: Sure thing. Nina, you're up to plate.
- Dennis Finch: This is a fashion mag-o-zine, and we may put on our pants one leg at a time, but they're nice pants with belts that match our shoes.
- Dennis Finch: Who are you, Toliver? Says here you're from Manchester. The only things they have in Manchester are pools and fools. I don't see a diving board, which one are you? You must be a fool!
- Nina Van Horn: My first love was a peanut farmer named Lyle. God, he was handsome. We used to make love in his barn 'til the cows came home, at which point we'd moved to the grain silo.
- Maya Gallo: How did it end?
- Nina Van Horn: I was terribly allergic to peanuts, and he couldn't give up the farm.
- Maya Gallo: That's so sad.
- Nina Van Horn: Yes, I know. It's just like Romeo and Juliet, only with peanuts.
- Dennis Finch: Brian Toliver. Your middle initial wouldn't be L, would it?
- Brian Toliver: M.
- Dennis Finch: Yeah? Well if it was L, you'd be B.L.T, wouldn't you?
- Nina Van Horn: It's just that I haven't been in television since I played a Fembot in "Bionic Woman."
- Elliot DiMauro: That's not true. You were in that episode of "Cops".
- Nina Van Horn: They pushed my face in the grass. You can't even tell it's me.
- Maya Gallo: What's your character like?
- John Kenny: He's a bit of an odd bird, a dreamer.
- Elliot DiMauro: You just said he was a racist.
- John Kenny: He dreams of an all white country.
- John Kenny: Sorry, man. Now that I got a job, I won't be needing those headshots.
- Elliot DiMauro: Oh, darn. And I knew just where to put my tripod.