- Jack Gallo: Dennis, these grades stink. They're C's and D's, and an F that you changed to an E.
- Dennis Finch: Hey, I earned that E.
- Dennis Finch: It's all too much to take. It's all write this down, and read that, and learn this theorem. What the hell is a theorem? I think I'm in over their head.
- Jack Gallo: Well, maybe you shouldn't be taking advanced astrophysics.
- Dennis Finch: I wanna be a spaceman.
- Jack Gallo: Ancient Greek architecture?
- Dennis Finch: I want my spaceships to have columns.
- Jay: Nina? Come on, Nina, it's either you or an open bottle of vodka.
- Nina Van Horn: It was gin! Ha-ha! Joke's on you!
- Maya Gallo: Are you all right?
- Jay: That depends. How's my hair?
- Maya Gallo: It looks fine.
- Jay: Then I'm all right.
- Maya Gallo: What is her problem?
- Jay: She asked me how old I thought she was, and I think I guessed a little high.
- Dennis Finch: I now realize that college is not just a bunch of educational crap. No, it's a star machine, bigger than Hollywood! What's Meg Ryan have that I don't?
- Dennis Finch: Elliot, I have one more question for you.
- Elliot DiMauro: Shoot.
- Dennis Finch: How does it feel when you... Finch attack!
- [throws water on Elliot, his assistants tie him to the chair and throw confetti over him]
- Dennis Finch: Elliot DiMauro, you have just been Finch Attacked!
- Nina Van Horn: I have dated at least a dozen blind men.
- Maya Gallo: Really?
- Nina Van Horn: Yeah. I don't know why, but they tend to be fantastic lovers. Maybe it's because there's no blood rushing to their eyes, and it goes to all the other places...
- Maya Gallo: Oh, that is ridiculous!
- Maya Gallo: You go to movies?
- Jay: Of course. We blind people enjoy many of the things that sighted people enjoy. Movies, art galleries, sunsets...
- Maya Gallo: Really?
- Jay: No, I'm blind. I do go to movies, though.
- Jay: I am glad that God plucked out my eyeballs and then, then stomped them with his giant hiking boots, and crammed the useless wreckage back into my head!