L.A. Law (TV Series)

Bound for Glory (1990)

Dan Hedaya: Michael Roitman

Quotes 

• Ray Breecher : I was shocked. They're running a frog jumping contests. It's supposed to be a legitimate thing. I show up with my frog and they won't let him jump.

  Michael Roitman : What reason did they give for excluding you, sir?

  Ray Breecher : And they say it was too big. Now there's nothing about size in the rules and suddenly they go too big. The fix had a be in.

  Jonathan Rollins : Objection.

  Judge Walter Green : Sustained.

  Ray Breecher : I paid 1,300 bucks for this frog, plus travel.

  Michael Roitman : Plus travel?

  Ray Breecher : I had him flown in from Africa. There's a lot of paperwork to be done on that, I tell you.

  Michael Roitman : You also put him to, uh, rigorous training camp, did you not?

  Ray Breecher : And we did sprints, jumps, squats, big hops, little hops, and I even put him on his little wheel for aerobic conditioning.

  [Scoffs] 

  Ray Breecher : I tell you, I push that frog.

  Michael Roitman : How much does this, uh, arbitrary disqualification cost you, sir?

  Ray Breecher : The winner gets 40,000, which would have been mine. You get an extra 10 grand for setting a record, which my frog could have done on one leg, easy.

  Michael Roitman : I have nothing further, sir.

• Jonathan Rollins : Are you real concerned with fairness, Mr. Breecher?

  Ray Breecher : What's a contest without fairness? Yeah.

  Jonathan Rollins : 4 years ago, you attempted to enter a tiny but long leaping run toad, didn't you?

  Ray Breecher : Well, I look like a frog. I was mistaken.

  Jonathan Rollins : And 2 years ago, you're winning entry tested positive for cocaine, did it not?

  Ray Breecher : I don't know how he got the drugs. Frog had a life.

  Jonathan Rollins : Mr. Breecher, your reptile has been known to... to eat small rats.

  Michael Roitman : Objection, Your Honor, it is not a reptile. It is an amphibian.

  Judge Walter Green : Sustained.

  Jonathan Rollins : How large is your amphibian, sir?

  Ray Breecher : It's big.

  Jonathan Rollins : Exactly, how big?

  Ray Breecher : How? With legs extended, I'd say he was about 3 ft. long.

  Judge Walter Green : 3 ft.?

  Ray Breecher : That's one big mother frog.

• Gretchen Wynn : It wasn't that his frog would have won. I don't know it would've even budged. It was very obese.

  Jonathan Rollins : Why did you disqualify it?

  Gretchen Wynn : Because it was dangerous. He's trying to enter this giant African thing with teeth, and I had to be concerned for the other frogs.

  Michael Roitman : Come on, Your Honor.

  Judge Walter Green : Mr. Roitman.

  Gretchen Wynn : It's true. The people spend a lot of money on them. They're like pampered athletes. And if one of them gets eaten by his entrant, then we've got a lawsuit on our hands.

  Michael Roitman : Move to strike, Your Honor, there's no evidence that my client's frog eats it's competition.

  Judge Walter Green : Denied.

  Gretchen Wynn : I'm sorry, but the committee couldn't consider this a normal frog within the spirit of the rules. And we felt that disqualification was warranted.

  Jonathan Rollins : Thank you, Mrs. Wynn.

• Michael Roitman : Mrs. Wynn. Uh, Ms. Wynn. Are there, uh, rules guiding these competitions?

  Gretchen Wynn : There are.

  Michael Roitman : Do these rules limit the size of the entrance?

  Gretchen Wynn : Who would've thought they could get so big?

  Michael Roitman : Is it not true, Mrs. Wynn, that you disqualified my client's frog because you knew that would break the world's record? You didn't want to be on the hook for extra 10 grand?

  Gretchen Wynn : Not true. That frog was fat, and languid, and it probably wouldn't have budged.

  Ray Breecher : You lying cheat.

  Jonathan Rollins : Objection.

  Ray Breecher : It jumps huge!

  Judge Walter Green : Hey, Mr. Breecher.

  Gretchen Wynn : We also suspected steroids.

  Michael Roitman : Objection, Your Honor.

  Ray Breecher : Defamation of character, Judge.

  Judge Walter Green : That's enough. All right, I wanna see this thing. Can you bring it in here?

  Gretchen Wynn : In a truck, maybe.

  Judge Walter Green : Mrs. Wynn, I'm going to lose my patience.

  Michael Roitman : Uh, yes, Your Honor. We can have said frog here, uh, in the A.M.

  Judge Walter Green : Good. I want to see if it's really a frog. And I want to see if it jumps. Have it here at 10:00 tomorrow morning.

  [Judge Green puts his glasses back on, and warned Mr. Breecher, remember to stay clean and drug-free without steroids] 

  Judge Walter Green : Drug-free. We're adjourned.

• [the box has caution and warning says in the box of a frog, "Handle with Care." When Mr. Breecher and his lawyer Michael Roitman helped open the box, Mr. Breecher brings out the frog named Richard with a little ace bandage in his left leg to get started. And they're ready to begin the demonstration. The frog croaking] 

  Michael Roitman : As you can see, Your Honor, this is clearly a frog.

  Judge Walter Green : It's very big frog. What's that on it's leg?

  Ray Breecher : It's a little ace bandage, Your Honor. He pulled the hamstring during a workout yesterday.

  Gretchen Wynn : Show him the teeth.

  Judge Walter Green : All right. All right. I'm sure it is bigger than any of the contest commissioner's ever imagine. But, Mrs. Wynn, that is a frog.

  Michael Roitman : Thank you, Your Honor. May we expect the judgment?

  Judge Walter Green : Hold on, I don't see it doing much jumping. There's no evidence that it would definitely won the event.

  Ray Breecher : Oh, I'd like to demonstrate then, Your Honor.

  Michael Roitman : May I remind the court of the hamstring injury?

  Judge Walter Green : Just make it jump.

  [Judge Green will make himself smile happily and see the frog demonstration. And Judge Green will be proud of it] 

• Ray Breecher : Okay, Richard, inhale, and leap. Come on, boy. Inhale. I just had breakfast, Your Honor, so...

  Gretchen Wynn : Probably a donut.

  Michael Roitman : Objection, Your Honor. May I ask the defendant to cease the harassment during this demonstration?

  Judge Walter Green : What demonstration? It looks dead to me.

  Ray Breecher : He's gathering himself, Your Honor. He's not ready to jump. Look at his eyes.

  Judge Walter Green : Oh, for God's sake.

  Michael Roitman : Oh, no, I can see it.

  Jonathan Rollins : Hey, he's sticking him with a pin.

  Ray Breecher : Prodders are allowed.

  Judge Walter Green : Oh, just get on with it, would you?

  Gretchen Wynn : I told you, it doesn't jump.

  [Then watch Ray do the demonstration when he kick the frog and have Richard the frog jump higher to take off and landed on Judge Green] 

  Judge Walter Green : Yaah!

  Michael Roitman : He's attacking the judge!

  Gretchen Wynn : Look at the teeth.

  Ray Breecher : [Frog croaked]  I told you to sit! Stay! Stay right there!

  Gretchen Wynn : It's vicious. It's a vicious frog.

  Judge Walter Green : Get this thing now!

  Ray Breecher : [Ray got his pet frog Richard]  I got him. I got him, Your Honor. Oh, uh, I think he pulled another muscle.

  Ray Breecher : Ask you've recuse yourself, Your Honor.

  Judge Walter Green : Forget it. I'm going to take this stupid thing under advisement. I want everybody back here at 2:00 tomorrow.

  [Richard the frog croaking] 

  Judge Walter Green : Oh, for God's sake.

  [Judge Green heads back to his chambers and closed the door. Frog ribbit. The crowds are laughing. Jonathan felt dejected] 

• Judge Walter Green : Be seated.

  [the plaintiff and the defendant seated] 

  Judge Walter Green : First of all, let me thank all of you for entertaining demonstration.

  Ray Breecher : I decided to muzzle him, judge.

  Judge Walter Green : I don't care. Be glad I don't have him put to sleep. First of all, I find it under these very unusual circumstances, the creature did pose a safety risk.

  Michael Roitman : Your Honor, how can you be objective? It bit you.

  Judge Walter Green : Mr. Roitman, if you make one more objection or moved for a mistrial one more time, I shall order you to bathe with it.

  [That's great for Judge Walter Green with happy smile. Mr. Roitman take a seat and then listen] 

  Judge Walter Green : The exclusion, however, was nevertheless illegal. The event was an invitational open to all frogs, and Mr. Breecher did in fact proffer a frog albeit a gigantic one. There's no evidence that the physical size was drug induced, and so the disqualification was therefore capricious. I find for the plaintiff and order the defendant to pay damages in the amount of $50,000. That's all.