- Malcolm: I'm a Krelboyne with a brother who's a cheerleader. I could wet my pants in public and it would be a lateral move.
- Malcolm: [Malcolm has just learned Reese wants to be a cheerleader] Reese, you're a guy. Guy cheerleaders are the lowest of the low. Worse than band. Worse than Krelboynes. The only thing lower is that guy that never takes his hand out of his butt.
- Reese: Oh, Chester? He's a cheerleader, too. Does a lot of solo work.
- Malcolm: I tried to help him. I gave him advice. I tried reasoning with him. There's only one thing left to do. Sit back and laugh my ass off.
- Commandant Edwin Spangler: [to Francis] I am tired of all the things you didn't mean to do. You didn't mean to come in four hours after curfew. You didn't mean to replace the morning reveille with a selection from trip-hop wizard Tricky. Maybe I should just rename this Francis' "I didn't mean to" file.
- Lois: Hal, it's time for the talk.
- Hal: I don't know what you mean.
- Lois: The talk, Hal.
- Hal: Oh, geez. He's a little young, don't you think?
- Lois: You waited so long with Francis. Look what happened there.
- Hal: All right, but if I'm giving the talk, all three boys are getting it at the same time. And I'm not doing it again, so if we have any more kids, they're on their own.
- Reese: [to Malcolm] Does this look anything like a "Q"?
- Malcolm: Reese, just stop this. You're acting like a moron and you're making no progress with Wendy. And what the hell do you need a "Q" for anyway?
- Reese: You're right. I'm terrible. I'm just not coordinated unless I'm hitting somebody. But I really like her. I have to get good.
- Malcolm: Listen to the words: Good. Boy. Cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.
- Malcolm: [to Reese] You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
- Reese: There's six steps?
- Malcolm: Yes. It's just right, left, right, left, reverse pose.
- Reese: You remember that from just watching?
- Malcolm: You guys did it like 10 times.
- Reese: So, you know my routine.
- Malcolm: It's not that hard.
- Reese: But you know my routine.
- Malcolm: Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going.
- Reese: No, you don't. You're going to help me.
- Malcolm: That is where I was going.
- Reese: Oh, good. Let's get started.
- Malcolm: No!
- Malcolm: Come on, you have to!
- Malcolm: No! Don't you know how embarrassing that could be for me?
- Reese: I know what's more embarrassing.
- Malcolm: What?
- Reese: Getting beaten into a coma by a good boy cheerleader.
- Malcolm: [sees Reese cutting up his cheerleading uniform] What are you doing?
- Reese: What's the point? You heard Dad. I'm doomed.
- Malcolm: You can't quit. I've worked too hard for you to quit.
- Reese: I hate to inform you, brain boy. It's not about you, it's about me.
- Malcolm: That's before I spent an entire day with your hand on my ass. You owe me.
- Reese: I can't help you.
- Malcolm: Yes, you can! You can break the cycle Dad was talking about. You have to talk to Wendy.
- Reese: I can't. I freeze up!
- Malcolm: Do you want to end up like Francis or Uncle Pete?
- Reese: I don't even care anymore! Anything's better than this.
- Malcolm: Even marrying Mom?