- Reese: So, "Dad", you gonna ground me?
- Ed: Geez, your counselor was furious.
- Reese: All right, now that that's done, why don't we just go home? I could jump in your Jacuzzi, and you could throw something on the barbecue for me.
- Ed: I have a better idea. Why don't we just go home? I could jump in *my*Jacuzzi, and *you* could throw something on the barbecue for *me*.
- Reese: What are you talking about?
- Ed: Well, let's just say, that with the information your counselor gave me, I could call your mom, and you won't see daylight for years.
- Reese: Oh, yeah? Well, I'll tell your secret to your wife.
- Ed: Well, I guess the question is, am I more scared of my wife... or are you more scared of your mother?
- [Malcolm is playing the video game "The Sims" with his family]
- Malcolm: Why am I five hundred pounds?
- Dewey: [Dewey's Soccer team go out of control when Hal tells them they are superheroes and the opposition are the bad guys] Eat chalk, evil-doer!
- [rubs other kid's face into chalk line on field]
- Malcolm: Sorry, Damn. Stupid. I can't do it. I'm stupid and I'm terrible. I suck at everything... and I'm fat.