Married... with Children (TV Series)
Where's the Boss? (1987)
Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy
Photos
Quotes
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Al Bundy : You know what really bothers me? There is a guy lying dead at the bottom of the ocean, and he never even took the time to meet me.
Peggy Bundy : Well, I bet he's sorry now, honey.
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Peggy Bundy : You ever think about sending me flowers, Al?
Al Bundy : Why would I do that? You're still alive.
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Al Bundy : I'm not going to just disappear. You'll see me again. Wherever a fat woman shoves a smelly foot in front of some poor guy's face, I'll be there. Wherever someone comes into the store and tries to exchange a pair of shoes he's been wearing for 3 months, I'll be there. And whenever kids come into the store, take off their old shoes and try to sneak out with new ones, I'll be there too.
[to Nancy]
Al Bundy : Madame, when Shamu needs a mate, you'll be there.
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Al Bundy : [after quitting] Look, it's not like I haven't checked out the want ads. Look at this. All these jobs want a college degree, o-or computer skills, or worse- references. What am I supposed to do? Stoop as low as this cheap blonde who can't read or write?
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Al Bundy : Hey, you know Gary, the guy who owns the shoe store. Well, he was in a plane that crashed into the ocean off the coast of Hawaii.
Peggy Bundy : Gee, everybody gets to go to Hawaii but us.
Al Bundy : Peg, for a change, you don't understand. A human life has just been snuffed out. Who's going to sign my paycheck?
Peggy Bundy : What's to sign? They just hand you a roll of nickels.
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Peggy Bundy : [after hearing about Gary's plane crash] You know, Al, maybe we should send something special to the family.
Al Bundy : Yeah? How about some scuba gear and a body bag?
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Al Bundy : Come on, phone, ring. Tell me you got the flowers. "What a guy! We're gonna give you a raise." Come on, ring.
[the doorbell rings]
Al Bundy : [picks up the phone] Hello?
Peggy Bundy : Al, it's the door.
Al Bundy : Well, get it. I'm on the phone. Hello?
[Peggy answers the door and Steve and Marcy appears]
Steve Rhoades , Marcy Rhoades : Hi.
Peggy Bundy : Hi.
Steve Rhoades : Hey, Al, did you hear about Gary?
Al Bundy : Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's dead. Great tragedy and all that. Stay off my phone.
[a ring is heard]
Al Bundy : [picks up the phone] Hello?
Peggy Bundy : That's the oven timer, Al.
Al Bundy : You cooked?
Peggy Bundy : Nah, it's just a reminder to order dinner.
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Al Bundy : Doesn't anybody understand what I'm talking about? I work for a guy who wouldn't spit on me if he saw me.
Steve Rhoades : Ah, come on, Al. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure he'd spit on you if he saw you.
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Al Bundy : [while watching TV] Who's that?
Peggy Bundy : That's Jade, the one with the haunted past.
Al Bundy : I thought Iris had the haunted past.
Peggy Bundy : That's another show.
Woman : [on TV] Ooh, this really is better, Jane.
Al Bundy : Who's that?
Peggy Bundy : Al, that's the lady who sells soap. It's a commercial. I can't stand this anymore. You have been home for one day and you are driving me crazy.
Al Bundy : What did I do? How am I driving you crazy?
[looks at TV]
Al Bundy : Who's that?
Peggy Bundy : Oh...
[starts choking Al]
Peggy Bundy : Go back to work!
[the doorbell rings]
Al Bundy : Who's that?
Peggy Bundy : Oh!
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Steve Rhoades : So, how you doing, buddy? Enjoying your first day out of work? Ooh, ooh, nice pajamas. Unemployment's really agreeing with you, big guy.
Al Bundy : Well, it all comes down to priorities. What's more important: pride or money?
Steve Rhoades : Money, Al. I love it. I love to look at it, and be around it, and count it. That's why I went into the bank biz, but that's me, and you're out of work. But hang in there, there's plenty of work for a man with your qualifications. Did you ever try to, uh, shoe a horse, Al? You know, you are tall enough to be Goofy at Disney World. Of course, you'd have to relocate, but they have real nice trailer parks down there.
Al Bundy : You're enjoying yourself, aren't you, Steve?
Steve Rhoades : [chuckles] Remember what you did to my dog, Al?
Al Bundy : Yes, I do.
Steve Rhoades : To continue, then. You could get yourself some flowers and sell them at the expressway off-ramp.
Marcy Rhoades : Now, Steve...
Steve Rhoades : Oh, can't I do one more?
Marcy Rhoades : Well... okay.
Steve Rhoades : You could sell your blood, Al. They give you juice and cookies afterwards.
Peggy Bundy : Gee, Al, if you could manage to stagger home without spilling the juice, that would be dinner for the family.