- Sergeant Gavin Troy: [rhetorically, after seeing Salter put an anti-theft boot on his steering wheel] Why is it that people who use that thing always drive cars that no thief would touch with a barge pole.
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: [mildly shocked to see Salter answering the door clad only in a woman's apron] I'm not sure that's legal, sir.
- Colin Salter: A man can dress as he wishes in his own home.
- D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: [clearly uncomfortable] Would you mind putting something on, Mr. Salter, I'd like to ask you a few questions.
- D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: ...and the kitchen staff can confirm that you were here?
- Tristan Goodfellow: ...until 10:30, and then Julia Gooders can confirm I was in the meeting with her, so just when I was getting changed that I was alone - about 10 minutes.
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: You didn't have any help from Mrs. Chambers then, sir?
- Tristan Goodfellow: Not on that particular occasions, but you're right, I do like Susan to undress me whenever possible. She's rather an expert.
- D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: She's got quite a reputation does Evelyn. There was a woman here in the village been battered by her husband awfully for years, but she refused to take any action. And Evelyn's Punch and Judy show included some not too oblique references to the husband. And the next day she walked into Causton nick and pressed charges.
- Joyce Barnaby: Really?
- D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: There's always one or two locals holding their breath when Mr. Punch takes the stage in Midsomer Magna.
- Gregory Chambers: [First line]
- [Speaking into a tape recorder]
- Gregory Chambers: Agaricus silvicola, on leaf litter in association with oak.
- Colin Salter: They found a severed hand in the woods.
- Florence: Yes, I heard.
- Colin Salter: But what if someone saw the car? They'll be asking questions. They'll be snooping.
- Florence: Then they'll find out just what a naughty boy you've been, won't they?
- D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: Ah, Troy. Check the hospitals?
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: No reports of any one-handed maiming casualties, sir.
- D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: So we can reasonably assume that Gregory Chambers is dead.
- Sergeant Gavin Troy: Just as well when you think about it. Well, he'd have only been able to manage a Judy show after that.
- [laughs]
- Evelyn Pope: I can't pretend I liked Kenneth Gooders. He was a sneery little man. And the cook wasn't a great favorite, either.
- Woody Pope: He did a damn good steak sandwich.
- Evelyn Pope: For pity's sake, Woody.
- Woody Pope: Well he did. Best in the county.
- [last lines]
- Joyce Barnaby: [Joyce and Tom are playing croquet] You liked her, didn't you?
- D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: What, me a Detective Chief Inspector liking a mass murderer? Yeah, yeahI did.
- Joyce Barnaby: I won't tell anyone.
- D.C.I. Tom Barnaby: [misses shot badly] Really got the hang of this game, haven't you?