- Joyce Barnaby: You're gonna be late.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah, it's really quite a treat. Got a couple of burglaries, car theft. Nothing much to hurry in for.
- Joyce Barnaby: If someone doesn't get murdered soon, you'll only get touchy.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: No, I won't.
- Joyce Barnaby: See, you already are.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: No, I am not.
- Max Jennings: [to his wife who's pouring herself some whisky] Isn't a little early for that, darling?
- Selina Jennings: I'm awake, right?
- Cully Barnaby: [Cully introduces her cute kitten to her parents] His name's Killmouskie, he's a Russian Blue.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: He's yours?
- Cully Barnaby: Yeah, I sort of adopted him.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh don't tell me you're looking for new foster parents.
- Cully Barnaby: Well it's just while I'm away. He's very clean, he won't be any trouble. I'll bring you some Polish Vodka.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I still haven't met anyone who actually knew Gerald Hadleigh. He had a wife. What was her name? What did she die of? Where did he come from?
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: There's still Laura Hutton.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: What?
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: We still haven't questioned her, and according to Brian Clapper, her and Gerald Hadleigh could have been banging each other.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Banging each other. What a delightfully picturesque turn of phrase.
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: It could have been opportunistic, sir. A sneak thief caught unawares. He could have been surprised in the bedroom and just panicked.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You see that Rolex watch on the bedside table, Troy?
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: Yeah.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Well, a sneak thief would hardly leave that behind, would he?
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: She was definitely lying about that husband of hers.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Which is why we must try to get to him first before she reaches him.
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: Causton Comprehensive.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You have a problem?
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: I went there, sir. '83 to '90.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: [Troy swerves to avoid another car] A pity they didn't teach you how to drive.
- Honoria Lyddiard: Can't you read? No hawkers, no circulars. Go away. I shall call the police.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Mrs. Lyddiard?
- Honoria Lyddiard: Miss Lyddiard, yes.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: We are the police. Causton CID. Can we go inside?
- Honoria Lyddiard: If you must.
- Joyce Barnaby: So who was he, the victim?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I'm not sure. The more I hear about him the less I seem to know him. He was Gerald Hadleigh, ex-civil servant from Kent. But that's all. His house didn't tell me a thing about him.
- Joyce Barnaby: What do you mean?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Well, it had no character. No souvenirs, no mail, no personal documents, not even a driving license. Just a photograph of his dead wife. Just one photograph. Doesn't that strike you as strange?
- Joyce Barnaby: How many have you got of me?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Well, I have two of you in my wallet.
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: [at Causton Comprehensive] That's the library. Science block over there. They also hoped I'd never come back.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You weren't happy here, then?
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: I couldn't wait to get out.
- Mr. Belgrove: Yeah, I know you, don't I. Gavin Troy.
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: Hello, Mr. Belgrove.
- Mr. Belgrove: [to Barnaby] Who are you, then?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I'm Chief Inspector Barnaby. I'm with the police.
- Mr. Belgrove: Oh, yeah. I always said he'd come to no good. Bit like bringing him back here, doesn't it?
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: See what I mean?
- Sue Clapper: And my husband's writing a play.
- Brian Clapper: Actually, i'd say I was, uh, building it. For me it's a totally passé word, and elitist.
- Max Jennings: Which word?
- Brian Clapper: What?
- Max Jennings: Which word is elitist? Building? Writing? Or play?
- Brian Clapper: Writing. You know, we're rapping. We're about free association. You should come to one of my rehearsals, Max. You might find it... dangerous.
- Max Jennings: Well, I'd love to, but, uh, unfortunately, I have to go. I have a long journey tomorrow. Thank you very much for inviting me. It's been, uh, a most instructive evening.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Gresham House. Honoria Lyddiard's home.
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: You ever seen Frankenstein, sir?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: No.
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: This must be where they filmed it.
- Selina Jennings: He's signing books. Max is very big in Denmark.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Did he come back here after the writer's group meeting, Mrs. Jennings?
- Selina Jennings: No. It was easier to overnight at Heathrow.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Do you remember the name of the airline?
- Selina Jennings: No.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Well, do you know how we can reach him?
- Selina Jennings: No. I'd have to ask his secretary, Bouncing Barbara. She makes the reservations.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Barbara?
- Selina Jennings: Barbara Neale is her name.
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: Do you know where we can get in touch with her?
- Selina Jennings: No, not really. Look, will you excuse me? I really don't think this has anything to do with me.
- [jumps into the swimming pool]
- Sgt. Gavin Troy: Swimming in her jewels.
- Sue Clapper: Aren't you coming to bed?
- Brian Clapper: No, I'm not sleepy. I'm going out.
- Sue Clapper: You were out last night, too.
- Brian Clapper: You didn't tell them that?
- Sue Clapper: Who?
- Brian Clapper: Dixon of Dock Green and his fascist sidekick.
- Sue Clapper: No.
- Brian Clapper: Goose-stepping in. Trying to trick me into...
- Sue Clapper: Trick you into what?
- Brian Clapper: It doesn't matter. You didn't tell them.
- Sue Clapper: No. But you were out last night, Brian. Where did you go?
- Brian Clapper: Round the green. Blow the cobwebs.
- Sue Clapper: Then why didn't you tell them that? Why did you have to lie?
- Brian Clapper: Oh, forget it. Just forget it.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah, I thought - I thought Troy was going to have a seizure.
- [laughing]
- D.C.I. Barnaby: it was really very funny.
- Joyce Barnaby: So, Gerald Hadleigh was a transvestite.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah. He parked his car close to the club, and then he must've walked back to it in full woman's dress. But, of course, it wasn't there. Well, he just couldn't walk into Causton CID dressed as he was, and that's why he didn't report his car as stolen until he got home.
- Joyce Barnaby: And the woman Laura Hutton saw?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Wasn't a woman at all.
- Joyce Barnaby: Did you see Dr. Preston?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes, I did.
- Cully Barnaby: It's not serious, is it?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I'm afraid it is, yes. It seems I have an allergy.
- Joyce Barnaby: An allergy?
- Cully Barnaby: What to?
- [pause]
- Cully Barnaby: Oh, no.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, yes.
- Joyce Barnaby: What?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Cats.
- Cully Barnaby: Kilmouskie.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes.
- Joyce Barnaby: You mean all that scratching and sneezing?
- [laughs]
- D.C.I. Barnaby: It's not funny.
- Joyce Barnaby: No, no.
- [laughs]
- Joyce Barnaby: No, I'm sorry.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Cully?
- Cully Barnaby: You're not going to take this out on me, are you, Dad?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes, I'm going to make your life hell.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: That cat is not sleeping in our bed.
- Joyce Barnaby: He's lonely.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I don't care if he's manically depressed.
- Joyce Barnaby: next scene the cat is sleeping in their bed with them