- Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.
- Dwight Schrute: Damn it! Jim! He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
- [Points to Michael]
- Dwight Schrute: You can be a witness. Can you reprimand him, please?
- Jim Halpert: [eating Jell-O] How do you know it was me?
- Jim Halpert: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt? Which is mixed berry.
- Pam Beesly: Jim said mixed berries? Oh wow... Yeah, he's on to me.
- Michael Scott: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out. We had to let him go. He sucked.
- Michael Scott: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.
- Dwight Schrute: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
- [Jim sets a fence of pencils up between Dwight and his desk]
- Dwight Schrute: You can't do that.
- Jim Halpert: Why not?
- Dwight Schrute: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
- Jim Halpert: We'll see.
- Pam Beesley: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might...
- [pauses]
- Pam Beesley: It's just... I don't think it's many girls' dream to be a receptionist.
- Dwight Schrute: [deleted scene] Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland.
- Michael Scott: [holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world.
- Jim Halpert: My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens, literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows, you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean... or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know.
- Michael Scott: [deleted scene] So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money.
- [comes to a screeching halt and laughs]
- Michael Scott: This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient.
- [camera zooms in on Kevin]
- Michael Scott: Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting.
- [hides behind office plant]
- Michael Scott: "Very interesting, but stupid." Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place.
- Todd Packer: Does the carpet match the drapes?
- Dwight Schrute: [deleted scene] People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, "Hello, how are you? How's business been going?" And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?" And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that.
- Angela: [deleted scene] My name is Angela and, um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar.
- Oscar Martinez: It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor.
- Angela: Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down.
- Oscar Martinez: There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house.
- Kevin: I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band.
- Angela: Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and, um...
- Oscar Martinez: Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know, 'cause... Yeah, we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back.
- Angela: I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too.
- Michael Scott: [deleted scene] What's that?
- Pam Beesley: Wired.
- Michael Scott: Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.
- Pam Beesley: Oh, yeah.
- Michael Scott: Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?
- Pam Beesley: Smoked turkey.
- Michael Scott: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.
- Michael Scott: [deleted scene] What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least.
- Michael Scott: [deleted scene] Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?
- Pam Beesly: I guess.
- Michael Scott: Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.
- Pam Beesly: What?
- Michael Scott: Messages?
- Michael Scott: [deleted scene] All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence, that furry monster.
- [imitating monster]
- Michael Scott: "I'm gonna get you, downsizing." No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do.
- Documentary Crew Member: [deleted scene, boom microphone drops into the camera shoot] Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work?
- Dwight Schrute: That's fine.
- Documentary Crew Member: [new take] No, you don't even need... That's fine. We'll keep it...
- Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry. It makes me nervous.
- Documentary Crew Member: Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you're saying as clearly as possible.
- Dwight Schrute: I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head.
- [new take]
- Dwight Schrute: This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow.
- [does a martial arts move with his hands]
- Dwight Schrute: I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but...
- Documentary Crew Member: [talking over Dwight] It's...
- Dwight Schrute: I'm doing my job.
- Michael Scott: [deleted scene] I think better to be a happy idiot than a, um... Than someone who knows the truth.
- Dwight Schrute: It's okay here, uh, but people sometimes take advantage, because it's so relaxed. And, I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy on the weekends, and you cannot screw around there. It's sort of one of the rules.
- Michael Scott: [deleted scene] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five.
- [Michael and Ryan high five]
- Michael Scott: Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam.
- [camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael]
- Michael Scott: Now, who was the one before Curly?
- Ryan Howard: Uh, Shemp.
- Michael Scott: Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita.
- Ryan Howard: Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different.
- Michael Scott: Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go.
- [Yelling in cod German]
- Michael Scott: I'm Hitler. Right.
- [Continues with cod German]
- Michael Scott: Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler.
- [laughs]
- Michael Scott: Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
- Jim Halpert: Okay, Dwight, I'm sorry because I have always been your biggest flan.