The Office (TV Series)

Sexual Harassment (2005)

Steve Carell: Michael Scott

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael Scott : Attention, everyone. Hello. Yes, I just want you to know that, this is not my decision, but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work-associated things. And you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer ever do any of those things.

  Jim Halpert : Does that include "that's what she said"?

  Michael Scott : Mhmm. Yes.

  Jim Halpert : Wow, that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...

  Michael Scott : That's what she said!

• Michael Scott : Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of *his* family.

• Michael Scott : You know what? I love Phyllis. And know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here, give me a kiss, come on.

  Phyllis Lapin : Michael, come on, you don't have to worry. I'm not gonna report you to HR.

  Michael Scott : I'm not... I'm not worried! You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.

• Michael Scott : I am "King of Forwards." It's how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We're like "Friends." I am Chandler and Joey. And Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

• Michael Scott : [regarding the sexual harassment policy]  Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.

  Pam Beesley : [cut to Pam]  He said what?

• Michael Scott : Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic school girl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, the best part of my morning is staring at it. But what, are we gonna just take it away?

  Stanley Hudson : That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girl's school. I'm taking it down right now.

• Toby : I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds.

  Michael Scott : Literally two seconds?

• Michael Scott : Todd Packer and I are total "BFF." "Best Friends Forever." He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out, and we met this set of twins, and Packer told them that we were brothers.

  [giggles] 

  Michael Scott : And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought them back to the motel, and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.

• Michael Scott : A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?" This is what's at stake.

• Michael Scott : [questioning the company's sexual harassment policy]  What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? Would that be crossing the line?

  Toby : No.

  Michael Scott : What if they made out in front of everybody?

  Toby : Well, that would be...

  Michael Scott : At home? And I told everybody everything about it?

  Toby : Okay, I'm lost.

  Michael Scott : Okay. Well, then, let's act it out. Pam, you will be Girl A, and Girl B will be...

  [scans the room, but finds no one attractive] 

  Michael Scott : Okay, we'll use the doll.

  [grabs inflatable sex doll] 

  Michael Scott : Pam? Pam.

  [shot of Pam, horrified] 

• Michael Scott : Man, that Todd Packer can do anything.

  Jim Halpert : [mutters]  Except pass that Breathalyzer.

• Michael Scott : We are a family here, and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.

  Phyllis Lapin : I'm the same age as you, Michael.

  Michael Scott : Well, I don't know about that.

  Phyllis Lapin : We're in the same high school class.

• Michael Scott : Oh, okay. Grade A gossip for you right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.

  Todd Packer : Are you kidding? Everyone knows why. You don't know? Oh, okay, check this out. All right, so here's the story. So Randall is nailin' his secretary, right, and she is totally incompetent.

  Michael Scott : Really? Here we go. Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy one!

  Todd Packer : We are talkin' "blonde" incompetent, right? Like, uh, ten words a minute. Talking.

  Michael Scott : Well, to be fair, blondes, brunettes, you know, there are a lot of dumb people out there.

  Todd Packer : They *are* women, right?

  Michael Scott : Ohh! Wow! I didn't say it, I didn't say it!

  Todd Packer : I said it!

  [Todd and Michael laugh maniacally] 

• Michael Scott : I think the old honor system is fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee, and believe me, I could have.

  Dwight Schrute : Yeah, Meredith.

  Michael Scott : No, no. Katherine, remember her? Remember how hot she was? She would have definitely slept with me.

  Kevin : She wasn't *that* hot.

  Michael Scott : [angrily]  Yes, she was; dammit, Kevin!

  Michael Scott : Okay. You know, Michael...

• Michael Scott : Okay, you are never gonna believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that corporate gave us, Darryl banged her!

• Michael Scott : There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.