- Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's a perfect way to start the day.
- Michael Scott: Dwight, what is your middle name?
- Dwight Schrute: Danger.
- Michael Scott: Something with a "K."
- Jim Halpert: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that.
- Michael Scott: You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.
- Phyllis: Oh, we wouldn't do that. We love Stevie Wonder.
- Michael Scott: [holds up his injured foot, which is wrapped in plastic] What does this look like to you, Stanley?
- Stanley: Mail Boxes Etc.
- Michael Scott: I want you to rub butter on my foot.
- Pam Beesly: No.
- Michael Scott: Pam, please? I have Country Crock.
- Michael Scott: Can I have everyone's attention, please? Phyllis. Oscar. Ryan, who is supposed to be dead.
- Michael Scott: Help! Oh, God! Oh, help! Help me.
- Toby: What happened?
- Michael Scott: I fell off the toliet. I'm caught between the toliet and the wall.
- Toby: What do you need?
- Michael Scott: Not you. Someone else. Get Pam.
- Toby: I don't think Pam's gonna wanna come in to the men's room.
- Michael Scott: Get Ryan. He needs to lift me up, and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.
- [Ryan's eyes widen, as he shakes his head]
- Toby: Ryan is dead.
- Michael Scott: No, he's not. I just saw him.
- Toby: Dead. No. Can you just get up yourself? You only grilled your foot.
- Michael Scott: Forget it. I'll just get up myself.
- [Michael is still on the phone asking for someone to pick him up for work]
- Michael Scott: Pam, could you come get me?
- Pam Beesly: Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone.
- Michael Scott: Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan?
- Phyllis: Michael, you should stay home and rest.
- Michael Scott: There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell him that?
- Kevin Malone: Can you hop?
- Michael Scott: I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a "protruberance".
- [long beat]
- Michael Scott: Nobody wants to come and pick me up?
- [everyone stays silent as Dwight enters]
- Dwight Schrute: What is going on? What is going on?
- Pam Beesly: Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him.
- Michael Scott: I'm not sick! I'm burned!
- Dwight Schrute: I'm coming Michael!
- Jim Halpert: Oh...
- Dwight Schrute: [shouting at the speakerphone] I'm gonna save you!
- Michael Scott: Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight.
- [Dwight's already halfway out of the office]
- Dwight Schrute: Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there!
- Michael Scott: I DON'T WANT DWIGHT.
- Pam Beesly: Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend?
- Michael Scott: [dryly] I don't have a girlfriend.
- Jim Halpert: But you said that you went out with her this weekend.
- Michael Scott: [still dryly] It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight.
- [all of a sudden, everyone hears a car crash coming from outside]
- Jim Halpert: What was that...
- Pam Beesly: What was that?
- [Everyone rushes to Michael's window to see that Dwight has collided with the front gate with his car]
- Jim Halpert: Oh!
- Pam Beesly: Ohhhhhh!
- Jim Halpert: He hit the pole! It's broken, right? He can't...
- [Dwight stumbles out of the car in a stupor]
- Pam Beesly: Oh, my gosh.
- Jim Halpert: Oh, Dwight, Dwight.
- [Dwight proceeds to puke all over his back windshield]
- Jim Halpert: Ohhhhhh!
- Jim Halpert, Pam Beesly: Oh my God!
- Pam Beesly: Is he okay?
- Jim Halpert: He's still driving...
- [Dwight gets back in his car and drives away]
- Jim Halpert: Dwight, you forgot your bumper!
- Michael Scott: [still on speakerphone] Hello?
- [beat]
- Michael Scott: Please don't send Dwight.
- [first lines; Pam is working reception when she gets a phone call]
- Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
- Michael Scott: [over the phone] Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now.
- Pam Beesly: [genuinely concerned] Michael, what's wrong?
- Michael Scott: I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God!
- Pam Beesly: Ok, wait wait wait wait...
- Michael Scott: No, I want you to pick me up.
- Jim Halpert: What?
- Pam Beesly: Ok...
- Jim Halpert: [walks over to reception] What's going on?
- Pam Beesly: Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt.
- Michael Scott: I am hurt. I hurt my foot.
- Jim Halpert: I'm sorry? Pam.
- [Pam is exasperated]
- Jim Halpert: What is going on?
- Michael Scott: I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up.
- [Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone]
- Michael Scott: [screaming] OH GOD!
- [Everyone in the office looks up at hearing Michael]
- Jim Halpert: Hey, whoa, Michael...
- Michael Scott: Oh God!
- Jim Halpert: It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, *really loudly* what happened.
- Michael Scott: OK,
- [makes pained goofy moan]
- Michael Scott: I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work.
- Jim Halpert: You burned *your* foot on a Foreman Grill?
- Michael Scott: Hey.
- Ryan Howard: I found the pudding cups you wanted at a gas station in Carbondale!
- Michael Scott: You did it. Look at you. And with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan.
- Ryan Howard: You are very welcome.
- Michael Scott: Did you get the yams?
- Ryan Howard: No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams.
- Michael Scott: Oh, okay. I'll just have the pudding.
- Ryan Howard: You sure?
- Michael Scott: [sighs] Yeah.
- [frustrated that no one is showing him sympathy for his burned foot]
- Michael Scott: I burned my foot! Okay! 20 minutes! Conference room! EVERYBODY'S IN THERE!
- Dwight Schrute: [making gun noises]
- Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
- Dwight Schrute: Vietnam sounds...
- Jim Halpert: Stop, stop. Stop.
- Pam Beesly: You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate.
- Michael Scott: Oh, did you explain why?
- Pam Beesly: No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot.
- Michael Scott: Burned my foot, Pam.
- Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute
- [looking upwards and over his shoulder at Creed]
- Dwight Schrute: : "Dad?"