- June Cleaver, TV Mom #1: Girls kissing girls... vulgar language, and teenaged sex!
- Roseanne Conner: Yeah that stuff is kinda bad... you wanna hear how much I make?
- [everybody huddles, Roseanne tells them]
- June Cleaver, TV Mom #1: Oh my God... why, *I'd* make out with a chick for that kind of cash!
- Louise Jefferson, TV Mom #3: Any one of you, let's go.
- June Cleaver, TV Mom #1: [Roseanne talks about finding reefer and thinking it's David's] Reefer?
- Roseanne Conner: Ask Eddie Haskell.
- Roseanne Conner: Maybe if you would've spoken your mind once in a while, Beav wouldn't have gotten killed in Nam.
- June Cleaver, TV Mom #1: That's a rumor, Beaver's alive!
- Roseanne Conner: Well he ain't working.
- Self - Norma Arnold, TV Mom #4: You mean, you're the boss in your own family?
- Roseanne Conner: Yup. And I get all the good jokes too. Pretty sweet, ain't it?
- Self - Ruth Martin, TV Mom #2: On my show, the dog got all the good lines... I just translated. And then they shot me off into outer space and I had that annoying Doctor Smith and that damn robot.