Roseanne (TV Series)

December Bride (1995)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Quotes 

• Leon Carp : [having a bad case of cold feet]  What if I am not even really gay?

  Roseanne : You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.

  Leon Carp : Oh, yeah! Well, you just think about it, young lady. Hmm? I hate to shop! Huh, I am absolutely insensitive. I detest Barbra Streisand. And for God's sake, I'm a Republican!

  Roseanne : But do you like having sex with men?

  Leon Carp : Well, it's...

  Roseanne : [shouts]  Gay!

  Leon Carp : Oh, yeah?

  Leon Carp : [plants a huge kiss on Roseanne]  I'm gay. Let's do it.

• Leon's Mother : Oh, Roseanne. Oh, Leon's told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.

  Roseanne : How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding!

• Roseanne : [to Dan and Nancy]  Now, you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.

• Roseanne : This guy writes out a check for his meal and he screws me out of a tip.

  Nancy Bartlett : Oh, great, now I have to follow him home and drive around on his lawn.

  Roseanne : [to Scott]  We'd fire her but she's got the best attitude here.

• Scott : Where do I go to get a good price on flowers?

  Roseanne : Well, the dumpster behind Spiegelman's Funeral Home.

• Leon Carp : Roseanne, what is all this?

  Roseanne : It's a gay wedding!

  Leon Carp : This isn't a wedding, it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and just--roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacal ball of wrong!

• Scott : [to Roseanne]  Let me see that check.

  [dials the phone] 

  Scott : You really shouldn't have to... Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come-and-Go Motel. Last time you and your husband were here, you left some of your private garments here and... You haven't? Well, aren't you a 20-year-old busty blonde? Oops, my mistake.

  [hangs up] 

  Roseanne : He stiffs me out of a tip and you wreck his whole marriage? This is great! I've got other checks, let's do more!

• Scott : So this is Roseanne. Prove it. Do that thing where you spew bile and scare young children.

  Roseanne : Oh, I only do that at the Christmas party.

• Leon Carp : Marriage is permanent.

  Roseanne : No, it isn't. I wake up every single morning knowing I could leave Dan if I wanted to. I'm just too damn lazy.

• Leon Carp : The wedding is off!

  Roseanne : Well, of COURSE it's a little off, it's TWO MEN, for God's sake!

• Roseanne : [explaining the wedding cake-topper]  They wouldn't do two guys, OK so we broke off the bride and replaced it with one of the action heroes from Pocahontas.

• Dan Conner : Where's Leon?

  Roseanne : Locked in the bathroom.

  Dan Conner : [laughing]  He locked himself in the bathroom? Is he crying?

  Roseanne : Well, he might be crying by now. I locked him in.

  Dan Conner : Why?

  Roseanne : He was going to leave!

• Roseanne : [to Dan]  So you're gonna have to tackle Leon and drag him down the aisle, but do it so it looks like you're giving him away.

• Leon Carp : What if he doesn't like my cooking?

  Roseanne : Then eat out.

  Leon Carp : What if I don't like his mother? Hmm? What then?

  Roseanne : Then stay in.

  Leon Carp : Scott says he's not himself in the morning until he has a Pop-Tart. What if they stop making Pop-Tarts?

  Roseanne : [as they yell over each other]  Leon, Leon, LISTEN TO ME. They will *NEVER* stop making Pop-Tarts!

• Roseanne : When you pictured him getting married, you probably weren't expecting this, but you probably pictured him marrying somebody who truly loves him, and that is what's going on here. Love is blind. At least you're getting a nice addition to your family. That's my son-in-law over there.

  Leon's Mother : Oh, I am *so* sorry.